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Just found out. And I was pregnant!!!! :(

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Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 07:22 AM

My husband cheated on me after 5 yrs of being together and 3 months after marrying him in 2005. We had 2 boys and it was weeks before my sons 3rd bday. He told me 1 week later because he felt guilty, was looking at porn (I found out later) and was drinking a lot. He told me he'd never do it again and that he was sorry. I forgave him. In 2008 we had another daughter. i thought he was a changed man and in my stupid head, i thought he would be faithful and a child could renew our love. In 2011 I found emails to a woman I know. Sex talk. I confronted him, he said he'd never do it again. In 2012 we started drinking heavily, tried Molly together, and had several threesomes. I never really wanted to but was talked into it by him but still take tesponsibility because I gave in and followed through with it. But I knew he was still interested in other woman, so I went along with it in fear that he'd do it behind my back. Biggest mistake I ever made!!! I was so embarrassed and pissed I let this happen and old him I never wanted to do it again. N

Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 07:38 AM

Sorry, I wasn't done and accidentally posted... Anyway,
: at this point, he felt like I was blaming him. I didn't know if our relationship would even last. And then, I found out I was pregnant again with our fourth. I didnt even think it was possible because we were using protection and i was not prepared dor another child. I was hurt and didn't know what to do. I contemplated abortion because I was in a horrible emotional state. We talked and he said we'd work it out. I agreed. I was soooo emotional tho and knew it would take my whole pregnancy to heal. Well, I thought we got through it. my daughter was born in January. My daughter is now 8 months old and I just had an overwhelming feeling he wasn't being honest with me. So I got on his smartphone and found several emails and woman he was sex talking to including one that started 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I confronted him and he tried to lie about it. I grabbed my daughter and left sobbing and THEN, he told me he'd slept with her. He said it was only one time and that as soon as it happene he realized what a mistake he made. For almoat a year and a half I've been lied to. And now I still feel like he's not being truthful. I feel so betrayed. And the worst part is that I was pregnant :( I'm so hurt. I've stayed in our home only because we now have 4 children and I don't want to ruin them but now I feel sooo stupid for staying and allowing this to happen. Im so torn am confused! I was in love and completely unaware of this. What a blow. I just don't know what to do and have no one to talk to. I feel so alone. I can't keep it together. It's been 2 weeks and my kids desperately need my attention and all I can do is cry and feel sorry for myself and kids. He says he's a changed man and will prove it with his actions because at this point, all words are lies. He says it happens when he drinks and he hasn't touché alcohol since. He says he'll do ANYTHING to fix this for me an our family and it seems he's really trying but we've been through this before and in afraid of getting hurt more and now I'm so traumatized I always think he's lying. WHAT DO I DO????? I'm so lost and alone. In tears :'(

Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 07:52 AM

Did I mention we have no money? So even if I wanted to go somewhere, I'd have to seek family help and expose our whole story in order to do so.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/13/2013 08:34 AM

SeekingGuidance, this man has cheated on you over and over and over and over and over again and has CONTINUALLY promised that he'd "never do it again."

It's been an unfortunate continuous cycle that's repeated itself over and over.

How many gifts of forgiveness are you supposed to give him? 10? 20? 30? 50? How many?

I so completely understand why you did the threesome thing in the hopes that doing it WITH him would prevent him from doing it behind your back - because you know he'd do it without even blinking an eye.

He has zero integrity and zero credibility and doesn't deserve your trust or loyalty. That much is apparent.

It's unfortunate, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results. I think you're at that point. He cheats, you're devastated, he promises never to do it again and then you're lulled into a false sense of security until he does it again and the same cycle repeats itself all over again, like Groundhog Day (the movie).

The cycle stops when YOU make it stop. To forgive him again is just a guarantee that you'll be forgiving him yet again a year from now or 2 years from now.

Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.

Find a lawyer who gives free consultations and book an appointment with him. Find out what you can realistically expect if you were to file for divorce. Start looking into getting a job and becoming financially independent from this man. One of your biggest problems is that you have no options due to having 4 kids and no financial means of your own. That's unfortunate because it doesn't allow you to make choices based on what's best for you - it merely paints you into a corner with no way out.

Be sure to read the articles here in the Library. You're not alone, there are plenty of women living parallel lives to your own and have a lot of valuable input for you, Seeking.

I'm wishing you peace of heart.

heforgotme posted 9/13/2013 08:38 AM

I'd have to seek family help and expose our whole story in order to do so.

If you want to leave, then please don't be afraid to do this. There is nothing wrong with talking about this unless YOU don't want to. You need support (of all kinds) and your loved ones won't know this if you suffer in silence.

Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 08:57 AM

What do I tell out children, tho?? I feel like I'm being selfish. Why ruin their lives when I could just try to work it our?? And if we do seperate and split out family up, is it really possible he'll change and we can get back together? I love this man and am so torn.

allusions posted 9/13/2013 09:55 AM

YOU have been trying to work it out. He has not. It's not being selfish. It is you taking care of yourself and your children and showing them by example that it's not ok to let your relationship partner disrespect you.

There is no way to know if he will ever change, but if he goes to individual counseling, is motivated and really works at it he could. Right now he has no consequences for his behavior and no motivation to change.

Stillkicking posted 9/13/2013 10:07 AM

Would you rather your children grow up with one stable parent in a stable home or in a broken home where their mother is not and has never been respected or treated with dignity? That is what they will learn, just to roll over and play dead? Let someone use them?

There is a saying here: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Your husband has proven who he really is numerous times yet you pretend that he has changed and then the cycle repeats itself. This is NOT a healthy environment for you or your children, he is putting you at risk of STDs and maybe a psychotic OW.

He won't change because he doesn't have to, he does the bare minimum for x amount of time then it is right back into his old ways.

I am sorry you find yourself here, but you will survive. If you haven't already, in the top left corner is a yellow box, click on the healing library and read it then read it again. Read up on the 180, it is designed to help YOU detach and start working on yourself. Remember to stay hydrated, drink lots of water, and eat when you can. If you can't manager food try meal replacement shakes they are easy to get down and easy to keep down.

Keep posting often as there are a lot of people here with a wealth of knowledge. Good luck and welcome.

movingforward13 posted 9/13/2013 10:15 AM

You guys need counseling. If he is willing to do anything, then prove it with counseling.

Stillkicking posted 9/13/2013 10:35 AM

I don't think that MC is a good idea at this point, he needs to be remorseful, I mean TRULY remorseful otherwise he is just going to continue to lie and cheat. You need to show him that you will be just fine without him.
He needs IC and you could also benefit from IC as well.

You need to show him that this is last time he gets to fuck with your heart.

Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 11:27 AM

I told him today I'm getting phone records and he admitted to more of the lies. He told me of other emails/texts and other woman he'd made out with and sent pics and received pics from. He told me things I could never find out on my own. Is he really telling me the whole truth now? He says if I need to be away, I should but he's a changed man and will prove it. Should I give another chance?

Skan posted 9/13/2013 13:19 PM

Good lord, no, don't give him another chance! You gave him one last chance to come clean and now you've found that he's lied to you again! Get to a lawyer and find out what your options are. (((hugs)))

Stillkicking posted 9/13/2013 14:04 PM

Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. They will tell you what's really going on

Seekingguidance1 posted 9/13/2013 15:07 PM

I appreciate your responses! Thank you!!! I posted my story again in its entirety in hopes of hearing other people's takes on it

doesitgetbetter posted 9/13/2013 20:39 PM

He tossed out some "confessions" that you would never find out on your own hoping that you would stop digging and think you "know it all now" so that the REAL depth of what he's done would never be discovered. It's classic, it's just as classic as the "parking lot confessions" to avoid actually having to take a polygraph test.

Listen, this guy is NO good for you! He's cheated on you since day 1. He's exposed your unborn children to potentially life threatening infections and disease's repeatedly. You take drugs with him (seriously, you're a mother, knock it off!), drink with him, and then have threesomes because he convinced you to do it? You thought this might keep him from cheating? Letting him have sex with other women might stop him from cheating? Ummmm, no.

He's not going to change, and he's proven that he's a master manipulator and will continue to lie to you EVEN when you are giving him the things that he wants (threesomes and drugs). He can't be trusted, and he's spent the past almost decade proving that to you.

How "good" is it for your kids to see their parents getting high and drunk and maybe waking up with strangers in their house or hearing the arguments about OW? The lifestyle you're both living is a huge detriment to both of you, and ALL of your children. I would recommend leaving this guy before CPS takes your kids away from you and won't even return them when you leave him. Seriously.

Seekingguidance1 posted 1/10/2014 22:53 PM

It's been 4 months since I found out... I stayed. It's been the hardest 4 months of my life! He is doing everything right. Stopped drinking completely, has changed so drastically I really believe he is a changed man. The problem is, I have not healed. How long will it take for my heart to stop hurting everytime I'm reminded of his lies from the past. How do I move past this. I can't keep beating him up over all his mistakes when he has apologized over and over and over and is doing everything and anything he can to keep me in his life and his family together. Now I feel like IM the one causing the problems cause I just can't get over the past... Lost and confused all over again. :'(. Any advice?

RyanCL posted 1/10/2014 23:19 PM

Seekingguidance1, I'm happy that he is trying to change for you and your family but please understand from what I'm told and learned from past experience there is no time table to heal from what you have gone through. It will never be your fault that you are having a hard time with this. If he can't understand that your still hurting after only 4 months then he really hasn't changed. I've heard people say after 4 years they are still on the road to recovery. Please don't beat yourself up or let him off the hook because you love him. I did that when my husband cheated the first time and now I'm dealing with a second time. As much time as you need is as much time as you need. Keep trying to heal your self don't try to rush it.

EasyDoesIt posted 1/10/2014 23:47 PM

Get yourself in to a doctor and get tested for EVERY single STD test on the plant: blood, urine, and swab. Tell them EVERYTHING. And make that sorry piece of shit do the same, and make him sign whatever HIPPAA and/or tell the doctor that his results are to be released TO YOU.

There are members on this site who have contracted STDs from their WS, and at least one who has HIV.

Staying with this man puts your life in danger.

Skan posted 1/11/2014 11:39 AM

Hi again. I'm glad to hear from you.

Listen, it's only been 4 months. At 4 months, I was still hurting and was really going through the anger phase, along with anguished weeping at night and night terrors. And this was with us still attending MC every week and talking there and at home.

It's going to take as long as it takes. If you're not in MC, I would urge you to seek a good councilor. That really helped us with our communications with each other and gave us a safe, neutral person to talk to and to guide us.

If you're comfortable with it, you might suggest that your WH joins and goes to the Wayward Forum and posts there. It could give him a lot of insight as to what you're going through. (((hugs)))

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