It's been an unfortunate continuous cycle that's repeated itself over and over.
How many gifts of forgiveness are you supposed to give him? 10? 20? 30? 50? How many?
I so completely understand why you did the threesome thing in the hopes that doing it WITH him would prevent him from doing it behind your back - because you know he'd do it without even blinking an eye.
He has zero integrity and zero credibility and doesn't deserve your trust or loyalty. That much is apparent.
It's unfortunate, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results. I think you're at that point. He cheats, you're devastated, he promises never to do it again and then you're lulled into a false sense of security until he does it again and the same cycle repeats itself all over again, like Groundhog Day (the movie).
The cycle stops when YOU make it stop. To forgive him again is just a guarantee that you'll be forgiving him yet again a year from now or 2 years from now.
Nothing changes if NOTHING changes.
Find a lawyer who gives free consultations and book an appointment with him. Find out what you can realistically expect if you were to file for divorce. Start looking into getting a job and becoming financially independent from this man. One of your biggest problems is that you have no options due to having 4 kids and no financial means of your own. That's unfortunate because it doesn't allow you to make choices based on what's best for you - it merely paints you into a corner with no way out.
Be sure to read the articles here in the Library. You're not alone, there are plenty of women living parallel lives to your own and have a lot of valuable input for you, Seeking.
I'm wishing you peace of heart.
I'd have to seek family help and expose our whole story in order to do so.
If you want to leave, then please don't be afraid to do this. There is nothing wrong with talking about this unless YOU don't want to. You need support (of all kinds) and your loved ones won't know this if you suffer in silence.
There is no way to know if he will ever change, but if he goes to individual counseling, is motivated and really works at it he could. Right now he has no consequences for his behavior and no motivation to change.
There is a saying here: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Your husband has proven who he really is numerous times yet you pretend that he has changed and then the cycle repeats itself. This is NOT a healthy environment for you or your children, he is putting you at risk of STDs and maybe a psychotic OW.
He won't change because he doesn't have to, he does the bare minimum for x amount of time then it is right back into his old ways.
I am sorry you find yourself here, but you will survive. If you haven't already, in the top left corner is a yellow box, click on the healing library and read it then read it again. Read up on the 180, it is designed to help YOU detach and start working on yourself. Remember to stay hydrated, drink lots of water, and eat when you can. If you can't manager food try meal replacement shakes they are easy to get down and easy to keep down.
Keep posting often as there are a lot of people here with a wealth of knowledge. Good luck and welcome.
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.
You need to show him that this is last time he gets to fuck with your heart.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Listen, this guy is NO good for you! He's cheated on you since day 1. He's exposed your unborn children to potentially life threatening infections and disease's repeatedly. You take drugs with him (seriously, you're a mother, knock it off!), drink with him, and then have threesomes because he convinced you to do it? You thought this might keep him from cheating? Letting him have sex with other women might stop him from cheating? Ummmm, no.
He's not going to change, and he's proven that he's a master manipulator and will continue to lie to you EVEN when you are giving him the things that he wants (threesomes and drugs). He can't be trusted, and he's spent the past almost decade proving that to you.
How "good" is it for your kids to see their parents getting high and drunk and maybe waking up with strangers in their house or hearing the arguments about OW? The lifestyle you're both living is a huge detriment to both of you, and ALL of your children. I would recommend leaving this guy before CPS takes your kids away from you and won't even return them when you leave him. Seriously.
There are members on this site who have contracted STDs from their WS, and at least one who has HIV.
Staying with this man puts your life in danger.
Listen, it's only been 4 months. At 4 months, I was still hurting and was really going through the anger phase, along with anguished weeping at night and night terrors. And this was with us still attending MC every week and talking there and at home.
It's going to take as long as it takes. If you're not in MC, I would urge you to seek a good councilor. That really helped us with our communications with each other and gave us a safe, neutral person to talk to and to guide us.
If you're comfortable with it, you might suggest that your WH joins and goes to the Wayward Forum and posts there. It could give him a lot of insight as to what you're going through. (((hugs)))