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I Have Limits... And She Does Not

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SAHMAW2011 posted 9/13/2013 09:41 AM

My story is pretty cut and dry, I though that I was providing all that he needed in the bedroom, and clearly I was not. So last week my WS found someone who would provide for him in ways that I am just flat out not comfortable with. The thing is, she is my neighbor... my married neighbor. And while I bless the day her drunk a$$ stumbled across the street to tell me she had rocked his world, in MY home, I want to write them both off like they never existed. When I confronted him about what they had done.... he denied it all, then when I fished through our trash can and found three used condoms, he fessed up. They did things that made my stomach flip and I literally puked.
It's obviously a physical thing, but now I'm left wondering how many times he has done this before?
I don't want him or his disgusting self near me or our small child. I've already ordered him to go get tested. I'd really like to just crawl in a hole and die. I don't have the strength to deal with knowing for certain I am not enough for him. He has begged me not to leave him and I cant imagine why I should stay. I want to honor my vows, but he clearly doesn't honor his half. Our Pastor is urging me to give him another chance provided his meets certain set conditions set forth by me. IDK! I feel stomped on. Taken advantage of. I trusted him to never cross the line with any female friend he has. He brought it in our home. My house feels tainted. To make matters worse, we recently moved because we just bought a house together and I don't have a single friend who isn't 400 miles away.

daybyday83 posted 9/13/2013 09:59 AM

I was sick to my stomach too. Still am, when I think about it. You have kids involved I don't know what I would do. When I confronted my spouse he was honest about it and told me the truth, that why I choose to work it out. If you do, its not easy. Its been 9 months and I still question it. Sometime I think I made the wrong choice. I know you're in a lot of pain and nothing is going to take that away. Nothing but time and even then it still hurts like hell. You need to talk to him, ask him all the questions you want to know and if he doesn't want to talk about it, than I wouldn't advise trying to work it out. You have to find out why it happened. And no matter what, its not you.

daybyday83 posted 9/13/2013 10:00 AM

Oh and get angry, that's okay too.

SAHMAW2011 posted 9/13/2013 10:21 AM

Trust me, I'm angry as hell. I did ask the ugly questions and I got the answers I expected. "I don't know why I did it..... She was an easy target.... You wont let me do that to you.... I got caught up in the moment...." The ONLY thing he has said that I have enjoyed hearing is that none of it was worth it, she has clearly been bagged and tagged by many before him. BUT that almost makes me feel worse! So this used trash bag gets your rocks off more than I do?! He is practically my first! I've invested all my learning and memories in him, and he goes and adds another name to the list with her! Now I'll never be "The One", I'll never get to say I gave him everything, I made him the happiest. No, now she gets to have that position in his memory and mine. Living across the street from her hurts like Hell too. I see her every morning and every night. I pass her in my car, her kids ride their bikes in front of my house, every man on our street is itching to get in her pants while her husband is away. It's sickening, I think, without being total B, I can say with certainty I am far better looking than she has ever been, but clearly my lack of confidence compared to hers has made holding my WS's attention impossible.

1Faith posted 9/13/2013 11:30 AM

I don't have the strength to deal with knowing for certain I am not enough for him

This is NOT the issue at all.

As hard as it is to understand the affair has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

He is broken. He is selfish. He put himself and his own selfish needs over the needs of you, your marriage and your family. That is unacceptable.

You can take 50% responsibility of your marriage but zero responsibility of his choosing to cheat. There is never a justification or an excuse.

Don't allow him to blame shift this back to you.

Nope. His decisions, his consequences.

Please know that you can't fix him because you didn't break him. He needs to figure out what was wrong with him that allowed him to travel down that path. Only HE can figure that out.

Then if he truly is remorseful and has done a deep dive on the WHY can you two work together to build a new marriage based on honesty and truth. Your previous marriage is dead. It's gone. He killed it.

IMO, your husband needs to get into IC. It could be beneficial to you as well as these are tough waters to navigate. Seek all the help and insight you can gather. Knowledge is power.

Go to the Healing Library and read, read, read.

I would also consider telling the OW BH. He deserves to know what and who he is married to. If he knew, wouldn't you want him to tell you?

Sorry you have found us but we are here and we've all been through it one way or another.

I promise you that you will make it and you will come out the other side one way or another stronger than you ever thought possible.

Keep moving and know that we are sending love, hugs and prayers.

SAHMAW2011 posted 9/13/2013 14:00 PM

The trouble with the OW BH is that this is round four or five for them, and he has long been over it. He says they are too old to get divorced, so they co-exist in some version of an "open-marriage". Yea, that was a hard pill to swallow as well. This woman is over a decade older than I am....

catlover50 posted 9/13/2013 14:40 PM

Honey, it is not a wife's responsibility to do things sexually that she is uncomfortable with. Your H could certainly have had a deep discussion with you if this stuff was that important, but more likely he was just acting sleazily with someone he didn't respect.

I would focus more on the betrayal and less on how his world got "rocked" This is about HIM and his issues, not you.

Hugs to you.

Tearsoflove posted 9/13/2013 14:48 PM

That woman has to have some serious psychological problems to not only sleep with her neighbor (and everyone else, apparently) but to come over and throw it in your face. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

As for your husband, you decide whether or not you want to try to reconcile. Don't let anyone else make that decision for you. You will have to live with the decision you make, not your pastor. And if your husband doesn't do the work to figure out why he was willing to risk his marriage to sleep with the nasty whore next door, you will find yourself in the same boat down the road.

You trusted him because he is your husband and he did take advantage of that. It will take a long time to rebuild trust. A remorseful spouse is willing to do the work to get there and understands that it will take a long, long time. He/she is open and transparent and goes completely no contact with the OP. He/she is patient and answers any and all questions. A spouse who is only sorry he/she got caught rushes you to get over it and is defensive and argumentative. A spouse who is only sorry he/she got caught is often a repeat offender. Be careful of which one he is if you choose to reconcile.

Best wishes.

cissi posted 9/13/2013 14:57 PM

The trouble with the OW BH is that this is round four or five for them, and he has long been over it. He says they are too old to get divorced, so they co-exist in some version of an "open-marriage". Yea, that was a hard pill to swallow as well. This woman is over a decade older than I am....

How do you know this is true? Did you actually hear the husband say it to you, or is this just what she has said about their marriage?

Regardless, I think he needs to know.

[This message edited by cissi at 2:57 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/13/2013 15:13 PM

Honest to God, you can't even look at a porno film (no, I'm not a porn freak - just making a point) WITHOUT it now including freakin' anal sex. It's as common as oral sex, now.

I'm not a fan of it, never was, never will be. And unlike the young starlets in those movies who will eventually suffer a prolapsed rectum in the future due to having large items continually thrust in that area over and over and over again (and who are too damned stupid to know or care what they're doing to themselves), that won't be a worry of mine.

I'm assuming that Miss Trailer Park allowed your husband to do what he thinks all people are doing because the porn movies tell him so. Well ain't SHE a class act? What kind of pig goes around inviting married men to use her for their butt receptical? Unreal. She sounds like the Pass Around Patty of the neighborhood.

I don't know what the answer is, though. Sure, it would be great if you could just up and move away rather than have to see her skanked out ass (and I mean that literally) every day in the neighborhood.

Your husband is a complete and total ass for humiliating you and your family and making a mockery of your marriage to everyone in the neighborhood. No doubt, his neanderthal buddies from the block have probably been clapping him on the back and congratulating him, slobbering like rabid wolves wondering when it will be their turns with Miss Piggy. I've SO been there and SO done that - and hated the whole ugly business. Ugh.

I do have to say that sometimes, there's no deep, dark psychological "why" for this type of behavior. Sometimes, people just act like pigs and think with their genitals - it has nothing to do with romance or love or anything. Just lust.

And I think that's exactly what your husband did. Thought with his penis and precious little else.

The scope of his selfishness, however, and the fact that he had NO QUALMS about disrespecting your home in order to get his dirty little thrills is a huge issue.

I wish you much luck trying to sort it all out.

SAHMAW2011 posted 9/13/2013 18:42 PM

I really appreciate all the replies. Some even made me laugh a little. I will admit my WH has never looked so rough. Me cutting him off and kicking him out of the bedroom we shared to sleep on the floor of our spare room has taken its toll these past 7 days. Almost makes me feel bad.... but then I realize I look just as rough. So screw him!

cluless posted 9/13/2013 19:26 PM

It's interesting to me that all of our stories have a recurring theme. The wife wasn't enough; the wife wasn't meeting the needs; blah blah blah Then you hear she was an easy "target", did some guy write the script for all these dumbass guys to follow?

DON'T ever believe for one second that you are not enough. THAT IS HIS ISSUE not yours! I'm in the same boat you are except I found "texting" to OP. When confronted, he confessed to an on-line affair only, and then split 4 hours later for a week business trip. I had to start filing for divorce to get her name... his first love, the woman that got away... so many more lies, so much deceit, about 9 months ago we tried to get our marriage back on track. I didn't know that OP scorned husband was blackmailing him for information or he'd tell me the real truth.

So one year to the day later, I'm told by the angry spouse that they not only had a "sexting" affair, but a physical one as well. WS CONTINUED to lie for another 2 days and then finally when I called bull shit did I start getting the truth. That was 12 days ago and I'm still in a fog. One thing is for SURE... WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. Mine keeps threatening to leave or kill himself so I'll stop suffering. I told him "go" I've never asked you to stay and I'm SURE as hell not going to ask you now. He's in the guest room and he wants back in. Hell no! My wedding ring is off (that bothers him) because now other guys are going to swooop in for the kill

Hang in there, the people here have been so helpful for me. I'm trying to get us into MC but I don't know at this point what I'm going to do. The thought of living with a guy that did this to me knowing my past.... can't imagine that happening. But I have his son living here and I have to keep things sane until I decide what to do. You do the same, don't make any rash decisions. Take your time, vent, vent, vent! Oh turns out I was the love of his life, too bad guys don't see that until it's too late.

SAHMAW2011 posted 9/13/2013 21:14 PM

@Cluless, thank you for the support and for sharing so much. I know its his problem, I have spent my day in quiet solitude thinking about it and you all are totally right... its his issue not mine. I asked him if he would feel proud being married to a woman like Her.... he thought for a moment and said No, he would feel like a joke.

Our Pastor seems at a loss for words. We have been seeing him for MC for a few weeks and now this.

The OW wants to wave and act like we are still friendly neighbors.... she even cut my grass while I wasnt home the other day.... and is leaving notes about always being friends and sends me messages on FB about "Loving me" bc Im such a good person. Really Bitch? I have no clue what to do with her right now so Im avoiding her at all costs.

Smokehouse posted 9/14/2013 04:32 AM

File for a protection order. Sounds like stalking, bunny boiling in a pot on the stove. That bitch is a fucking crazy cum dumpster.

If the court won't issue a protection order, contact the police every time she comes onto your property and does something nutty. Get her trespassed from your property.

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/14/2013 08:14 AM

Electric fencing around your garden!!!

The woman is mental!!

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/14/2013 16:09 PM

The OW wants to wave and act like we are still friendly neighbors.... she even cut my grass while I wasnt home the other day.... and is leaving notes about always being friends and sends me messages on FB about "Loving me" bc Im such a good person.
She is not the first OW to act this way. Your WH needs to send a NC letter, and that means stay off his property as well, or he will get a restraining order out on her. Some OW are psycho, and love to have contact with the BW.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this SAHMAW2011

Regarding H's excuses, getting sex acts from her that you didn't want to do...that is garbage. Many, many people are very happy with "normal" sex. If he has a problem with is HIS problem, not yours.

You are hurting right now, and your anger is good. Don't blame yourself for his lousy behavior/choices. Don't feel a bit guilty for his feeling miserable. All actions have consequences.


heartache101 posted 9/14/2013 17:12 PM

Oh just make him sleep on thst floor.
Tell him his ass needs to be there. Pun intended!
He needs to do the hard work as to why he cheated.
You need to realize this will take 2 to 5 years.

I recommend selling the house. Pronto!
Read in the healing library.
Sorry you are here.

doggiediva posted 9/14/2013 18:50 PM

The electric fence around your house and yard sounds awesome..If there is an adjustment to the current of the fence, turn it all the way up!
May work better than having a restraining order, lol..
Seriously, R or no R (as far as the marriage is concerned ) I would consider moving away from the area and making a fresh start!

Gr8Lady posted 9/14/2013 22:48 PM

Something that has resonated with me, is that not only does the OW have no limits nor self respect, but Wh has not one ounce of self respect for him self either. The OW is nothing to us, but we were married and emotionally, and legally committed to our husbands. Our husbands had no respect for themselves, our marriage or wife. Consideration was given to the Affair Partner, and personal gratification.
I have self respect, and maintain dignity and grace.
Trust me, my WH has no clue about emotionally connected mind blowing sex. He only knows about superficial fucking, without connection. That is revenge in the purest form, he has no idea what he sacrificed and gave up with me. Clueless.. WH, empowered BS.

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