I don't have the strength to deal with knowing for certain I am not enough for him
This is NOT the issue at all.
As hard as it is to understand the affair has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
He is broken. He is selfish. He put himself and his own selfish needs over the needs of you, your marriage and your family. That is unacceptable.
You can take 50% responsibility of your marriage but zero responsibility of his choosing to cheat. There is never a justification or an excuse.
Don't allow him to blame shift this back to you.
Nope. His decisions, his consequences.
Please know that you can't fix him because you didn't break him. He needs to figure out what was wrong with him that allowed him to travel down that path. Only HE can figure that out.
Then if he truly is remorseful and has done a deep dive on the WHY can you two work together to build a new marriage based on honesty and truth. Your previous marriage is dead. It's gone. He killed it.
IMO, your husband needs to get into IC. It could be beneficial to you as well as these are tough waters to navigate. Seek all the help and insight you can gather. Knowledge is power.
Go to the Healing Library and read, read, read.
I would also consider telling the OW BH. He deserves to know what and who he is married to. If he knew, wouldn't you want him to tell you?
Sorry you have found us but we are here and we've all been through it one way or another.
I promise you that you will make it and you will come out the other side one way or another stronger than you ever thought possible.
Keep moving and know that we are sending love, hugs and prayers.
I would focus more on the betrayal and less on how his world got "rocked" This is about HIM and his issues, not you.
Hugs to you.
As for your husband, you decide whether or not you want to try to reconcile. Don't let anyone else make that decision for you. You will have to live with the decision you make, not your pastor. And if your husband doesn't do the work to figure out why he was willing to risk his marriage to sleep with the nasty whore next door, you will find yourself in the same boat down the road.
You trusted him because he is your husband and he did take advantage of that. It will take a long time to rebuild trust. A remorseful spouse is willing to do the work to get there and understands that it will take a long, long time. He/she is open and transparent and goes completely no contact with the OP. He/she is patient and answers any and all questions. A spouse who is only sorry he/she got caught rushes you to get over it and is defensive and argumentative. A spouse who is only sorry he/she got caught is often a repeat offender. Be careful of which one he is if you choose to reconcile.
The trouble with the OW BH is that this is round four or five for them, and he has long been over it. He says they are too old to get divorced, so they co-exist in some version of an "open-marriage". Yea, that was a hard pill to swallow as well. This woman is over a decade older than I am....
How do you know this is true? Did you actually hear the husband say it to you, or is this just what she has said about their marriage?
Regardless, I think he needs to know.
[This message edited by cissi at 2:57 PM, September 13th (Friday)]
I'm not a fan of it, never was, never will be. And unlike the young starlets in those movies who will eventually suffer a prolapsed rectum in the future due to having large items continually thrust in that area over and over and over again (and who are too damned stupid to know or care what they're doing to themselves), that won't be a worry of mine.
I'm assuming that Miss Trailer Park allowed your husband to do what he thinks all people are doing because the porn movies tell him so. Well ain't SHE a class act? What kind of pig goes around inviting married men to use her for their butt receptical? Unreal. She sounds like the Pass Around Patty of the neighborhood.
I don't know what the answer is, though. Sure, it would be great if you could just up and move away rather than have to see her skanked out ass (and I mean that literally) every day in the neighborhood.
Your husband is a complete and total ass for humiliating you and your family and making a mockery of your marriage to everyone in the neighborhood. No doubt, his neanderthal buddies from the block have probably been clapping him on the back and congratulating him, slobbering like rabid wolves wondering when it will be their turns with Miss Piggy. I've SO been there and SO done that - and hated the whole ugly business. Ugh.
I do have to say that sometimes, there's no deep, dark psychological "why" for this type of behavior. Sometimes, people just act like pigs and think with their genitals - it has nothing to do with romance or love or anything. Just lust.
And I think that's exactly what your husband did. Thought with his penis and precious little else.
The scope of his selfishness, however, and the fact that he had NO QUALMS about disrespecting your home in order to get his dirty little thrills is a huge issue.
I wish you much luck trying to sort it all out.
DON'T ever believe for one second that you are not enough. THAT IS HIS ISSUE not yours! I'm in the same boat you are except I found "texting" to OP. When confronted, he confessed to an on-line affair only, and then split 4 hours later for a week business trip. I had to start filing for divorce to get her name... his first love, the woman that got away... so many more lies, so much deceit, about 9 months ago we tried to get our marriage back on track. I didn't know that OP scorned husband was blackmailing him for information or he'd tell me the real truth.
So one year to the day later, I'm told by the angry spouse that they not only had a "sexting" affair, but a physical one as well. WS CONTINUED to lie for another 2 days and then finally when I called bull shit did I start getting the truth. That was 12 days ago and I'm still in a fog. One thing is for SURE... WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. Mine keeps threatening to leave or kill himself so I'll stop suffering. I told him "go" I've never asked you to stay and I'm SURE as hell not going to ask you now. He's in the guest room and he wants back in. Hell no! My wedding ring is off (that bothers him) because now other guys are going to swooop in for the kill
Hang in there, the people here have been so helpful for me. I'm trying to get us into MC but I don't know at this point what I'm going to do. The thought of living with a guy that did this to me knowing my past.... can't imagine that happening. But I have his son living here and I have to keep things sane until I decide what to do. You do the same, don't make any rash decisions. Take your time, vent, vent, vent! Oh turns out I was the love of his life, too bad guys don't see that until it's too late.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.
Our Pastor seems at a loss for words. We have been seeing him for MC for a few weeks and now this.
The OW wants to wave and act like we are still friendly neighbors.... she even cut my grass while I wasnt home the other day.... and is leaving notes about always being friends and sends me messages on FB about "Loving me" bc Im such a good person. Really Bitch? I have no clue what to do with her right now so Im avoiding her at all costs.
If the court won't issue a protection order, contact the police every time she comes onto your property and does something nutty. Get her trespassed from your property.
The woman is mental!!
The OW wants to wave and act like we are still friendly neighbors.... she even cut my grass while I wasnt home the other day.... and is leaving notes about always being friends and sends me messages on FB about "Loving me" bc Im such a good person.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this SAHMAW2011
Regarding H's excuses, getting sex acts from her that you didn't want to do...that is garbage. Many, many people are very happy with "normal" sex. If he has a problem with that...it is HIS problem, not yours.
You are hurting right now, and your anger is good. Don't blame yourself for his lousy behavior/choices. Don't feel a bit guilty for his feeling miserable. All actions have consequences.
I recommend selling the house. Pronto!
Read in the healing library.
Sorry you are here.