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Trying to move on

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daybyday83 posted 9/13/2013 09:52 AM

I am 30 years old. I have been with my fiancé for 9 years this march. We've lived together for the last 8 of those years. Our relationship has always has it ups in downs, but not infidelity. Last year I started a new job he was running his business, things were different and I could tell it wasn't us. We were having money issues, he was drinking all the time. we got new neighbors across the street (lesbians) our age. I didn't care, but he started hanging out with one of them all the time. I think that freedom feeling is where it started. Anytime I got home at 9pm he was there. She didn't like me and the feelings were mutual. Last October, we decided he would move in with his mom and I would do the same. We were still together just trying to get our finances together. He came over a few nights and we hung out all the time. I really thought things were getting better. 10/30/2012 I got a phone call telling me to go to this bar where he always hangs out. So I did, and there he was with her. I left. I wish I had done more. I didn't call him for 3 days. I was crushed. I finally called him and we talked on the phone and he told me he had sex with her and we were over. . A month later, we had to go to our old house to do an inspection and we saw each other, everything came back like a tidal wave just hit me in the face. I was so upset, hurt angry but In love with him. We ended us talking all night and wanted to try again. I agreed. ( I know to soon) Everything was great no more, calls being avoided, hanging out, just us. Than, 12/23/2013 I had a weird feeling he was supposed to come over and didn't answer his phone, nothing. The phones are in my name so I checked. He had talked to her for an hour the night prior. I called him the next morning and ended it! He told me she called him that night, nothing happened he didn't even see her. She just called to see how he was. Well I didn't care so I turned off his phone and that was it. He begged me not too. That night I went out with my friends and I ran into him and her. I lost it, it was physical, me not him. I wasn't about to leave this time with out saying my peace. He had cocaine in his hands (HE DOES NOT DO DRUGS) looked like hell. I felt bad. I told him I know were over but no matter what you do to me, you don't deserve this. The women he was with named Jackie. Not a good person, she gets around, drugs, rents a room, doesn't have a car works at subway. That night, I left and I swore to myself, just stop. And let go. Christmas eve, I went shopping with my sister, didn't feel like even getting out of bed. He called me, I didn't answer. I wanted to. The past 3 months, I lost like 30 pounds, constantly sick. I was drained and depressed. Christmas day, he called me and begged for me to see him. He asked me to meet him at his moms house and wait. I did. When I got there, he wasn't there. But his mom let me in, Reminder, his parents have never liked me they blamed everything on me. She was quiet. I said tim asked me to meet him here. She said he will be right back. Come to find out. Moments before I got there Jackie showed up at his house. I found out that he had ended it the night I saw him and she wanted to talk to him. When he came back in and told me she had stopped by, I got up and was about to leave. He said just stop and listen. Told his parents the truth, me and everything that had happened. I had to try one more time. So here I am now, 10 months later. We live together again, both have great job are truly happy. Slowly getting trust back. But I cant get over it, no matter how I try. Every time we make love, I think did he do it this was with her. Was she skinny, prettier, why? We talk about it and he will tell me. He said she told him what he wanted to hear, it was about sex. He doesn't like talking about it but he will If I ask. I guess I trying to figure out how to truly move on and stop wondering why. How to I honestly forgive but not forget?

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