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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: R with a wayward who travels
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH travels a lot for work. Cutting back on travel isn't possible, and a new job is unrealistic due to age and market factors.

For those BS in the same situation, how do you deal with it? I can monitor mail and cell calls, but not his hotel phones, etc. I want desperately to trust him, but the doubt comes and goes in waves.

He checks in often, is very supportive when I share my anxiety, says and does all the right things, is patient and reassuring and seems genuinely sorry for all the pain he has caused me, but a part of me can't let go of the possibility this could happen again.

WS, please feel free to share your perspectives as well.

Dday was only a month ago. I know I'm early in the process but would appreciate hearing from those who have BTDT.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H travels a lot. We are a year out and his last out of town trip was the first time I was actually ok while he was gone. We text off and on all day. He calls when he can. He sends pictures and/or video of where he is. Also, he also has a couple of men who end up traveling with him who know and keep him accountable. They travel in crews and most of the men are single or have no problem with cheating. It has helped tremendously that my H has disconnected from those guys and aligned with the couple who will encourage him to make good choices (and tell me the instant he doesn't). But, even with all that, time has been the biggest factor.

Posts: 1173 | Registered: Jan 2013
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is our situation as well. Additionally, his job was instrumental in what happened and in it continuing.

I hate the travel. And I hate his job.

I will tell you one thing someone on SI did when their WS travelled. The WS set up Skype in the hotel room so that his BS could see what he was doing at any time. WH has offered to do this any time I feel insecure.

Good luck and feel free to PM me anytime. The travel thing sucks and makes R just that much harder.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Listeningclosely
♂ 16472
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time of our D-Day, I traveled about 75% of the time. My A was online, and travel included going to the city the OP lived in. It was probably the worst possible scenario.

I was much more vigilant about proactively texting my BW during the day and evening. She had access to all my passwords and could monitor any online activity. I did offer to have a webcam attached to my laptop facing me in the room at all times, including in the bed while sleeping so she could see I was acting properly. She refused as she felt it would be creepy to watch me sleep. But I think the gesture meant something at the time.

You can't monitor a hotel phone itself, but you can look at the hotel folio to see if phone service was used and at what times. Either have your WH set up online access through the hotels he stays at so you can log on and see the folio, or ask him for a copy when he returns from each trip. It won't help during the trip, but the bigger thing is for you to look at a few folios and see if there are any patterns that don't make sense.

Stills shot on a smartphone sent to you with time stamps can also be a potential source of comfort, especially in the evenings.

If you're having an especially bad night, consider using Skype or a similar service to have a video call going and watching a show together from different locations, or something else that keeps you connected in that way.

But the biggest thing is to ask your WH to try to problem solve for you. The biggest indicator that he is avoiding Wayward tendencies is for him to put work in to help you heal. So you can share these insecurities with him, and ask him what things he might come up with to help you feel better. This should be an ongoing list, not just a one time effort. As time goes on, he'll start to offer things you might not have thought of.

R is possible with a heavily traveling Wayward. It just takes some extra creativity to help you get there.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God you guys, thanks for this post. H is in a period of heightened travel this month (like, 2 weeks), and it stinks. This happened as the affair kicked off, so it is a trigger.

Neverdidthink - our MC told us to use it as a chance to strengthen our relationship and strengthen trust. Our first trip was like that (also about a month out from DDay.) Keep talking, talking, talking.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Never did i think!

There are quite a few of us here who have WS's who travel. There is a thread too that I am sure someone will bump.

One month out is still very, very fresh. You likely have tons of anxiety anyway, even without any traveling.

My WH did curtail his travel more than in the past, but he did still go during the first several months after dday.

The first question I have is was this someone he works with? Does he see her when he travels and does she travel too?

Alot of us have used Skype, gps tracking (to check they are where they say they will be.) I also can call at any time and I get a response within minutes. Pictures taken and sent. Calling on hotel phone at any time of night, etc...

But ....how do you deal because it could happen again question is really answered like this...

You CANNOT control him or his actions. He could cheat again. He could use the hotel phone, a trac phone, a calling card, anything for that matter.

The only thing you CAN control is you. So while you have decided to trust him one day at a time, and you have decided to try and rebuild this M, you cannot be absolutely certain he will never do it again.

YOU NEED TO REBUILD YOU. You start with you! Get out. Exercise. Reconnect with friends. Get on meds if need be. Find a new hobby. Get your ducks in a row. Find a job, get better at the one you have, or finally go after the one you always wanted. Get a degree. Take a class in something that interests you. Make new friends. Set goals.

^^This is how you get through it. Because by doing this, you will eventually realize that no matter if he cheats again, and of course you wouldn't want that, but no matter if he did, YOU WILL BE FINE!

If you start the above journey, you will realize that no matter the outcome, you will be ok and happy again.

Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1613 | Registered: Jun 2012
gettingthere2013
♀ 38232
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing we came up with to help in the evenings...after 5pm,H has said he will answer his phone whenever I call. No "I was in the bathroom","I left it in the car","It wasn't charged" crap...He answers when I call,no excuses-ever. Those first couple trips after DD,I was on that phone a lot. He never failed to answer. We also do Skype...in fact,we both watched our hometown team play this past Monday...him from his hotel,me from our bed. This last trip was the first one since DD that I felt good about him being gone...I missed him,but not in a bad way.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread. Last night, my H was away for work related travel for the first time since D-Day and I was struggling with this issue. Although we did do some of the things that were mentioned above, it helps me immensely that I know that I am not alone in dealing with this and that, hopefully, trust will come more easily.

Hugs to you all.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!

brokensmile322: no, AP is not someone from work, but is someone he met while traveling. She lives near-ish us and is single so it was easy for her to make herself available or meet him on a trip.


YOU NEED TO REBUILD YOU. You start with you! Get out. Exercise. Reconnect with friends. Get on meds if need be. Find a new hobby. Get your ducks in a row. Find a job, get better at the one you have, or finally go after the one you always wanted. Get a degree. Take a class in something that interests you. Make new friends. Set goals.

^^This is how you get through it. Because by doing this, you will eventually realize that no matter if he cheats again, and of course you wouldn't want that, but no matter if he did, YOU WILL BE FINE!

My ducks are rowed. Unfortunately this isn't my first rodeo - this is WH#2. I have an executive-level job and am in a good position financially, have a great, supportive circle of friends and a close family. I know I can stand on my own if I need to, but none of that erases the emptiness and doubt I feel right now.

I'm sorry to learn so many are in the same boat, but it helps tremendously to know there are others who really understand. (((Thank you all.)))


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H spent five years traveling to another country living another life as a 'widow' when he was there with OW....so travel is a real problem as far as I'm concerned.

In the beginning he did what he could to avoid travel....I got pretty sick a few months after Dday and needed surgery so he was able to say he needed to be with me. Then I started traveling with him especially to OW's country. We planned some extra time around his business travel and explored places together.

Skype is definitely a big asset and H, if he can't pick up my call immediately, texts or emails within minutes and then calls anytime, day or night. Sometimes we set up SKYPE and H has room service while I eat dinner here and we play games on SKYPE...it makes the separation easier for me if I feel like we are 'touching' each other even if it is over a screen.

Almost four years now, it has gotten easier, but I still get ogida when he goes overseas without me.....we are working through that one but I expect time and his continuing efforts will allay that eventually.

It's not easy with a WS who travels for work especially if that's what enabled the cheating.....

But, of course, there is always Lunesta for those long nights when ugly thoughts invade your dreams.....


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Mar 2010
PhoenixRising88
♀ 35214
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me Sykpe itself is a huge trigger.... That's how my H got buste! I overheard him on his phone with his little side piece because he didn't properly disconnect his Skype after he got done telling me i was imagining things, he loves only me, there's no one else, yada yada yada.

In our sitch, he was able to change jobs and get off the road about six months after D-day #1. Those six months until that happened absolutely sucked.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 434 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 11

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