As a very private person, this is difficult. My D-day was in 2008. I have not talked to anyone about this other than my WS. I found out my WS of 16 years, (together 23 yrs at that time) who had been working away from home those last 3 years off and on, was a member of swinger websites, and every other website for dating and sex, Ashley Madison, E-Harmony, etc. He left his computer on one day and I found it all. All of it. I asked him if he needed to tell me anything. He said that he thought I had looked in his computer, that I must have and that he forgot and left it up. Said he was so sorry, but pretty much matter of fact of what he did. He had been with 3 women, period. He said try to be a single man out there and you'll see. He said that he didn't mean to hurt me, that he thought that it was okay as long as I never knew about it; because if I didn't know, then it couldn't hurt me. Apparently he had been busy seeking whomever, whenever, since he found the online world 4 years previously. He said it was the thrill or rush that he was looking for. That was it.
In shock, yet going about as if nothing was wrong as best I could with 2 small children was so difficult. I did not tell my family or anyone because I did not know what I was going to do. We were in financial duress at the time due to his business. So I read. Knowledge is supposed to give you power. Reading I thought would give me the knowledge and help I needed with my situation. It hasn't yet. I still don't understand. I know he is most likely a narcissist. Yes, he had a bad Mother. He is a serial cheater. He is highly intelligent, sometimes quiet and anti social. Charlie Harper of two and a half men, is the best personality description, but for the drinking. He can manipulate any situation. It's amazing.
It has been 5 yrs and I am still here. That's a lot of time. It seems to be getting worse for me, not better. I have told him that. Told him exactly how I feel; that sometimes I hate him so much I do not want to look at him. That there is no trust that remains. He asks me what I want him to do, and he will do it. I have told him I dont know what to do. I asked him if he thought counseling might help, and he said that he would be willing, but that we would be paying someone when we can talk about it ourselves without reservation. I think he was with alot more women, he says no. I want the truth, thinking I could get past all of this if I know the truth. Yes, I went to my gyno, got checked out immediately. Went thru all the phases: couldn't eat, lost down to 112 lbs, started closet smoking (don't know why, at least it only lasted 4 mos) and then blamed myself. And the crazy thing is, I am educated and I thought an intelligent person. I work as a professional. I am 43 now, he is 47. I am 5'5, not unattractive, always kept my figure, not into extramarital affairs but not a stick in the mud. I thought I was being the best of both; always professional when working and when necessary, but fun and always ready to get down and nasty when we could. It just didn't matter I guess.
As I read this post before submitting, I think to myself, what would I say to someone if this were their situation? You have two choices: either 1.) File for divorce, cut your losses now and try to start a new life with someone more deserving of you or 2.) Stay and deal with it. It's your choice, the ball is in your court. You control the situation. He obviously has no conscious, and haven't you ever heard not to ever expect or ask a person to change? They don't.
But the logic has not taken control of my heart. He is the only man I have ever known. It appears I have always had a problem with self esteem, as this is not his first fling, and I must be weak. Looking back, I wish I could've been the type to get mad, get crazy, scream and throw things and tell him to get away from me and end it right then. But not me. I teared up, but acted rationally. Still have not cried. And I still have a broken heart. Please help me to deal better with this and understand.