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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: reconciling in a busy world/too many activities
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since all this has happened...I feel so overwhelmed by!

With the kids, I feel I have done less since I just can't handle anything more.

But, everything is demanding these days. If you have school aged kids you know what I mean. Like, football is practices several times a week, for most of evening then weekend games etc... when is there time for reconciling when you have kids?

Like my son's boy scouts troop,...they are having this event this weekend where they expect the parents and the kids to come to the place tonight from 6 to 9pm...then Saturday they are pressuring the families to be there at the event all run from 11am until 6pm--thats like all day...I mean come on! Most families have 2 parents that work and all they have is the weekends together. Then the parents can't come together anyway because I know like in our situation one parent has to be home to take care of the little ones at home.

Is this an issue in reconciling for anyone else?

So....too husband and I are going out to dinner tonight and for a date. Our son is going to skip the mandatory event tonight--he will show up at 2pm tomorrow not 11am. I don't care if the other families hate us. Sorry, but my marriage needs to come first.

i feel bad for a lot of other families that may be in crisis themselves in such situations that haven't yet reached their breaking points. Its like they keep putting their marriage on the back burner and run from place to place never spending time alone together.

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 11:02 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If the other parents don't like that you aren't there the whole time, too bad for them. There are only 24hrs in a day. You need to do what is best for your marriage and family. I think you made the right decision.

Posts: 50783 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were in that crises mode, we made similar choices. Nothing came before our family. Everyone that didn't like it? Suck it. Nobody pressures me into doing anything, anyway.

I think you are right. Find a balance that works for you. For us, we did double up as much as possible. Always did things together, errands, kids drop offs, practices, etc. We tried to spend as much time together as we could, bonding, and recreating our lives together, creating new memories.

It's hard, but I think that time together is really one of the cornerstones to R.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 35512
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can totally relate. We have done similar things which likely piss other parents off at school, sports, etc... but too bad. You have to draw the line somewhere, and can't allow your quality time to get sucked up 100%.

Me: BH, 44
Her: FWW, 43 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the right thing. There is always going to be competing priorities and demands on time. We are at the same place where you are right now, namely spending time together as a family and placing a priority on our M. I have scaled back on my volunteer commitments with our children's school and charities and fWH has minimized his social obligations related to work. Right now, we need this time as a family just to play and enjoy being around each other. We had lost sight of the importance of this and I do not ever intend on forgetting again.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think 20 years from now your children won't remember a missed activity but will remember when mom and dad were happy.

BUT - I always encourage other people to reach out when things get too crazy for them. Some nice person got my son back and forth to football after DDay and I wanted to go to tai chi for my mental health. I'm always sure to offer if I see someone struggling (A-related or other like health) but if you don't "show" they might not know they could be helping.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My rule is always Family First. If that causes a problem with anyone else, then Too Frigging Bad.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10048 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 40504
Member # 40504
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same stresses and think that even with choosing to do things as a family, or as a couple (i.e. date night), there still needs to be more time and focus on R. I can't win.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day here is crazy. My WH used to leave before the kids woke up and come home after they went to sleep, (during his affair), leaving me with all of it to do myself. It IS stressful. I am still VERY resentful of the relaxing sex week-ends he had and the daily hours of phone sex while I was running myself ragged. Clearly, he was too selfish to participate in real life.

Since R'ing and since he terminated the affair things are a lot better for all of us. He participates in the family now. We go to the kids' activities together and at least once a week have a class we drop them off to in the evening, giving us a chance to go out to dinner.

I noticed that our two kids are in activities that don't demand 100% participation, so if we miss a night to stay home and watch kung fu movies nobody loses out.

The AYSO and baseball teams had to go because they were too rigid. We replaced them with martial arts and voluntary fencing practice.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Growth happens according to our priorities.

God, wife, kids, other....that is my NEW priority list.

Pre-A I could have seen us becoming a very kid-centric family....

Kudos to your decision.

I DO like Jennifer99 and Rebreather speak of...mostly reminding us that multiple priorities can be tended to with the right inputs.

But lacking other helpful inputs, you are on the right track!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:03 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ionlytalkedtoher, I applaud you for your decision. You have put your family and your marriage first. Good for you!

The pressures on families to involve kids in more and more and more activities, each of which takes more and more and more time, is incredible these days. A hearty BRAVO to those who set limits and prioritize family time.

Of course it is good for kids to be involved in activities, but not at the expense of family life!

Me: BW, age 69
Him: WH, age 67
Married 22 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 11

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