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Do you worry if the A is really over?

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momwith2boys posted 9/13/2013 16:44 PM

FWH took affair underground last October when I found sexual messages on his Facebook account from someone who created a fake Facebook account. I confronted him right away. He lied to me told me it was just a fling and that it was nobody I knew. I begged him tell me and he wouldn't. Told me he ended it. In February, he finally admitted to me that it was my friend that was the woman he had the fling with. I ended our friendship but was still working on my marriage. Then in June, I found his secret Facebook page that he created back in October. I found out that it wasn't just a fling, they have been seeing each other this whole time and they thought they were in love. I confronted him again. He admitted it but said that he ended it a few weeks before and that it was definitely over. We have been going to MC since then and I think he is remorseful but after all that has happened well obviously I don't trust him but I worry that he took it underground again. But I would think that if he was going to do that he would have just left me. It Is so confusing! I was just wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

[This message edited by momwith2boys at 9:14 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

Simple posted 9/13/2013 16:54 PM

From what I understand, this happened about a year ago? What's been going on this entire year? Does his actions speak for his words? Have you done trust but verify? Have you done some investigation and does it reinforce his actions?

Sometimes during R, you have the feeling it's not over and it's your emotions getting the best of you - if you feel this way then look at the facts and look at it logically. How my fWH and I did is he would give me key words of comfort and enumerate what he's done recently and so far during R to be a better person. Honestly he continues to do this and doesn't mind doing this forever so long as he sees improvement that I am not harping on the past either. Since we're in true R, that helped us move forward for 5 years now.

Do I worry after 5 years? When you get to the point that you respect yourself again, have confidence again, etc. Even if A happens again, it doesn't matter anymore. I know what to do. In my case, I know to leave and never look back with my head up high that I tried my damndest for my marriage.

Now I ask you, do all the facts add up that you are in true R with him per his actions? If the answer is no...

Hugs your way.

pewpewpew posted 9/13/2013 17:01 PM

I too, had a false R. And another.

My WH took the A way underground - with a secret cell.

It's been over a year now and sometimes I question whether he's gotten another phone, etc.

His actions show otherwise, of course. I believe it has ended but of course I have my bad days...

Now, I am stronger. I don't check up on him that frequently. I trust - but verify.

I'm now at a point that I truly think and believe he would never sacrifice all the work and hardships we've been through. Again.
But - I am now strong enough to know that I have done everything I can to save our marriage. We've done MC and IC.
If he wants to go down that road again - he's on his own and I know I'll be OK.

crazyblindsided posted 9/13/2013 17:10 PM

Yes I do. I experienced False R with many broken NC's. I have used most spy devices except hiring a PI. I fear him getting a secret phone.

happierdays posted 9/13/2013 17:47 PM

Yep, I worry about this often. I discovered WH's secret email account 8 months after dday 1. That undermined everything. I do wonder if he's still up to his tricks, but I've come to the realization that if he is our marriage is over.

It sucks always being paranoid and vigilant.

Sending you hugs!

momwith2boys posted 9/13/2013 21:14 PM

The affair started a year go but ended in June. I found out he cheated a few weeks into the affair but did not know it was my friend and did not know how serious it was.
I thought that after I found out that we were in R but always feared that he took it underground because I never did get to see in writing that he ended it and he also wouldn't tell me who she was so I felt like he was protecting her over me. When I found out in June, he did send a Nc letter to her fake facebook page. I guess what worries me is that they could easily created a new Facebook page and I would never know. Since last d-dy he has given me all passwords to emails ( which he refused to do before) and his regular Facebook page. I didn't have access to his secret Facebook page after I found it because he did not want me to read it all. I only got to read a couple lines before he blocked me away from the computer when I found it. Anyway, he deleted everything shortly after and gave me the password and we shut it down together. By the way, I was really mad that he deleted it before I got to read it. He said he told me everything and reading it would really hurt me. But he has proven to me that he is a liar and can't be trusted so I don't know what to believe.
I guess because I did not recognize that he was lying to me and sneaking around for 8 months I don't trust my own judgement whether or not he is being faithful and truly remorseful because he fooled me before. He says and does all the right things. But he is not on this site, he does not read any books. He spends more time thinking about his new business than how he can make our marriage better. I, on the other hand, obsess over the affair and bring it up a lot. He is open to talking about it and will answer questions. He says he doesn't love her. He thinks he got caught up in it and went along with whatever she said and tried to break it off a few times but he said it was like an addiction. Anyway, I guess I will never really truly understand.

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