I got my mojo back big time earlier this year after being kind of numb for several years.
I've always liked my body but I have vitiligo over 90% of my body so it can be a bit surprising/confronting for someone new even though I do pre-warn them. It has been lovely discovering new bodies and having my body discovered. Things I didn't like in that M are now quite fun. Things I enjoyed but put on the shelf because the sad clown only liked the same old same old boring sex are now off the shelf!
The sexiest people aren't the most aesthetically pleasing - the sexiest are those who like themselves and are comfortable in their skin.
Sorry if this is TMI but I recommend you work on self-pleasure. Take yourself to the moon and back at least a few times a week. Touch yourself all over and feel how lovely your skin feels. Have a bubble bath and get to know your body.
I lost my mojo because I disconnected from my own body, from my own joy, from my laughter, friends, pleasures, passions etc. Reconnecting with my body was the first step in reconnecting with everything else.
I've been known to tell people "think of the thing about your body that you hate the most - you'll find there will be loads of kinky websites where that very thing is someone else's fetish.
Sexuality/sensuality are complex and fascinating but also quite scary to explore. Start with your own body - I promise you your mojo will return.
It got so bad that I couldn't have sex with him without being drunk bc otherwise I couldn't relax.
So I get where you're coming from. My sexual confidence was low & I thought maybe I hated sex & never wanted to have it again.
But a year after my D I've found a good guy. A guy who is patient with me, who I find attractive, whose touch is thrilling and guess what? Everything works just fine, I do enjoy sex!!! Lol! With him I do feel attractive.
So this is one of those things that's going to take a little time, for you to get ove the abuse and crazy making, but when (not if) you do, you''re going to be ok. Don't rush it. Don't stress about future worries today. You'll find you have some inner strength you didn't predict as you navigate the D and that will help in your healing. But I think you'll find the day will come when you feel good about yourself again and these worries about sex, attractiveness, finding someone will go away.
[This message edited by cayc at 5:16 AM, September 14th, 2013 (Saturday)]
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Choosing to have an A is a selfish act.
My ex is a selfish and abusive person & guess what he was selfish and abusive in bed too.
The first guy I met after my marriage ended was someone (BS too) with whom I had a friendship spill into something more. It lasted 6 months and I will always be thankful to him for teaching me that
A) I love sex!
B) I am good at it!!!! LOL
Quite the oppostotemto what ex WH told me. The guy gave me back my confidence and mojo.
And sex with an unselfish caring partner is a million light years away from sex with ex!!!!
The thought of another partner was terrifying but the reality was beautif
[This message edited by timeforchange at 4:50 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
The relationship part was horrible, but the sex was pretty phenomenal. OM was 24/25 at the time, so he was frisky all the time. That helped me get my mojo back.
Since then, I've been alone (almost 2.5 years). The thought of somebody new scares me, but ... I think it's as simple as one day you'll be ready for that, too.
Will you get your groove back, of course. It takes time and work. SBB had some great tips. I never said this to my x but sex was shit. Mostly because I realise now that we could never have true intimacy. Try and keep in mind that its about you now.
When the time comes to be 'freaky' with someone it will be worth it. Why you ask, because I believe that they will have already shown that they are worth it.
To me being 'good in bed' is not about your x, its about you and what you do.
when you are ready, you will blow that guy's mind
Because you are in to him. That is the sexiest thing possible.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
I was with XWH for 13 years and he had been the only person I'd ever been with.
I've since been with two other guys -- one who meant nothing (but I wanted to get the monkey off my back) and one that I had a relationship with -- and it was amazing. So much better than with XWH.
As timeforchange said -- having an A is selfish, and usually the cheater has many other selfish characteristics. My XWH is NPD, and they are known to be bad in bed.
Since he was all I'd ever known, I thought I just didn't like sex all that much. Ha!!! Just another benefit of this mess is finding out how great it is when you're with a good person! Had he not cheated, I would have gone through my entire life not knowing what good sex is!
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
The past 3 years of lies has put a huge damper on my self esteem and am doubting that I will ever be comfortable enough to be with someone else.
the last few years, our sex life was sorely lacking. I thought it was me
This was me in my marriage, and as it turns out, I had wrongly assumed the responsibility and the blame for the crappy sex life. At one point I went so far as to get my hormone levels checked because I thought I must have had an issue.
I was wrong, although I didn't realize it until after I divorced and had met my now-SO.
Instead what I had was a husband who was checked out of the marriage, and there was no intimacy or connection. And my love language is quality time. So how in the hell was I supposed to want to have sex with someone who didn't want to spend time with me, outside the bedroom?
btw, prior to meeting my SO, I had some of the same concerns and fears you're having. But after I met him, it wasn't a factor at all. It's such a world of difference when you have a lover who is into you, and is not selfish.
All that being said, do not base your sensuality on how someone else makes you feel. You want to be a Victoria Secrets kind of woman instead of the granny gown type? That's up to you. Take care of yourself, make yourself your priority. Don't be the old lady who has the drawers full of lingerie and gifts that she was saving, because they were too good for everyday life.
Wear the sexy lingerie, because you want to, even if nobody else sees them or knows about it. Get that pair of shoes that makes you feel sexy, and wear them. Get your nails done, find a new perfume. Find what makes you feel good about yourself, and do it.
Do it because you're worth it. And because when you do find that guy you want to have sex with, you want him to be worthy of you, too.