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i hope someone here can give me some hope

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Ostrich80 posted 9/14/2013 00:04 AM

I'm just curious and not asking for in depth details but is it hard for you that have been with the same man for years, to be intimate with a new someone.
I feel like my sexual self esteem is about as low as can be. I will D ws first of course but I don't know if I can ever take the plunge again. I know the A isn't because of me but I really tooka hit in the sexual confidence department. Not to sound like a goofy teenager but what if I'm not up to.par.
I can't believe I'm asking this but I'm really scared to be with someone. I feel about as sexy as a rock. Kind of like a granny gown in a world of Victoria secret lingerie. Will ostrich get her groove back? I hate him for making me feel this way, I.used to feel like I had it going on but now...not so.much.

SBB posted 9/14/2013 01:11 AM

The sad clown was my longest relationship so far. 9 years only with him.

I got my mojo back big time earlier this year after being kind of numb for several years.

I've always liked my body but I have vitiligo over 90% of my body so it can be a bit surprising/confronting for someone new even though I do pre-warn them. It has been lovely discovering new bodies and having my body discovered. Things I didn't like in that M are now quite fun. Things I enjoyed but put on the shelf because the sad clown only liked the same old same old boring sex are now off the shelf!

The sexiest people aren't the most aesthetically pleasing - the sexiest are those who like themselves and are comfortable in their skin.

Sorry if this is TMI but I recommend you work on self-pleasure. Take yourself to the moon and back at least a few times a week. Touch yourself all over and feel how lovely your skin feels. Have a bubble bath and get to know your body.

I lost my mojo because I disconnected from my own body, from my own joy, from my laughter, friends, pleasures, passions etc. Reconnecting with my body was the first step in reconnecting with everything else.

I've been known to tell people "think of the thing about your body that you hate the most - you'll find there will be loads of kinky websites where that very thing is someone else's fetish.

Sexuality/sensuality are complex and fascinating but also quite scary to explore. Start with your own body - I promise you your mojo will return.

cayc posted 9/14/2013 05:10 AM

I loathed having sex with my xWH for years before the D. He was rough, selfish, critical & mean & perverted. He'd tell me things like my body looked like a man's (after years of criticizing me for not working out, then he criticizes me for being in shape!).

It got so bad that I couldn't have sex with him without being drunk bc otherwise I couldn't relax.

So I get where you're coming from. My sexual confidence was low & I thought maybe I hated sex & never wanted to have it again.

But a year after my D I've found a good guy. A guy who is patient with me, who I find attractive, whose touch is thrilling and guess what? Everything works just fine, I do enjoy sex!!! Lol! With him I do feel attractive.

So this is one of those things that's going to take a little time, for you to get ove the abuse and crazy making, but when (not if) you do, you''re going to be ok. Don't rush it. Don't stress about future worries today. You'll find you have some inner strength you didn't predict as you navigate the D and that will help in your healing. But I think you'll find the day will come when you feel good about yourself again and these worries about sex, attractiveness, finding someone will go away.


[This message edited by cayc at 5:16 AM, September 14th, 2013 (Saturday)]

crazynot posted 9/14/2013 05:46 AM

OMG YES!!! I hadn't had sex with WH for years (I didn't want to, thought it was because I wasn't a very sexual person). Frequency was always an issue for us - even when first married I shrank from more than a couple of times a week. After we separated I met someone who absolutely turns me to jelly, who accepts me completely for who and what I am, who gets turned on (and turns me on) with just a simple look and who kisses me passionately for hours. Oh hell yes, there's hope !!!!

Ostrich80 posted 9/14/2013 11:27 AM

ok thanks!!! I guess I assumed incorrectly that all men are porn addicts and treat their partner like a streetwalker....awesome, to the future!!

ruinedandbroken posted 9/14/2013 14:18 PM

I feel the same way. XWH told me during the divorce that "I never initiated sex with you because I never wanted to have sex with you." I just rationalized it as he was tired, stressed, etc. How do you recover from that kind of statement? I've never even been with anyone else. :(

timeforchange posted 9/14/2013 16:48 PM

Eta ( damn iPhone will tidy up typos from the laptop tomorrow)

Choosing to have an A is a selfish act.

My ex is a selfish and abusive person & guess what he was selfish and abusive in bed too.

The first guy I met after my marriage ended was someone (BS too) with whom I had a friendship spill into something more. It lasted 6 months and I will always be thankful to him for teaching me that

A) I love sex!
B) I am good at it!!!! LOL

Quite the oppostotemto what ex WH told me. The guy gave me back my confidence and mojo.

And sex with an unselfish caring partner is a million light years away from sex with ex!!!!

The thought of another partner was terrifying but the reality was beautif

[This message edited by timeforchange at 4:50 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Vulcanized posted 9/14/2013 17:12 PM

Like everybody else, my self confidence was in the crapper after DD. 10 mins after I left XH, I got involved in a RA.

The relationship part was horrible, but the sex was pretty phenomenal. OM was 24/25 at the time, so he was frisky all the time. That helped me get my mojo back.

Since then, I've been alone (almost 2.5 years). The thought of somebody new scares me, but ... I think it's as simple as one day you'll be ready for that, too.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/14/2013 17:30 PM

It is hard when they are the longest you have been with.

Will you get your groove back, of course. It takes time and work. SBB had some great tips. I never said this to my x but sex was shit. Mostly because I realise now that we could never have true intimacy. Try and keep in mind that its about you now.

When the time comes to be 'freaky' with someone it will be worth it. Why you ask, because I believe that they will have already shown that they are worth it.
To me being 'good in bed' is not about your x, its about you and what you do.

when you are ready, you will blow that guy's mind
Because you are in to him. That is the sexiest thing possible.

phmh posted 9/14/2013 19:09 PM

Chiming in here as well.

I was with XWH for 13 years and he had been the only person I'd ever been with.

I've since been with two other guys -- one who meant nothing (but I wanted to get the monkey off my back) and one that I had a relationship with -- and it was amazing. So much better than with XWH.

As timeforchange said -- having an A is selfish, and usually the cheater has many other selfish characteristics. My XWH is NPD, and they are known to be bad in bed.

Since he was all I'd ever known, I thought I just didn't like sex all that much. Ha!!! Just another benefit of this mess is finding out how great it is when you're with a good person! Had he not cheated, I would have gone through my entire life not knowing what good sex is!

LadyQ posted 9/14/2013 21:22 PM

I'm glad to hear this! Sex with x was "meh". He got what he wanted, and that was about it. I'm not in the market for a relationship, but I'd sure like to find out what good sex feels like!!

Nature_Girl posted 9/14/2013 21:43 PM

I remember good sex. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, before I met STBX... I remember. Can I ever get back there again after all the damage he's done to me? I don't know.

Ostrich80 posted 9/15/2013 05:05 AM

I have to say, the last few yrs, our sex life was sorely lacking. I thought it was me, but reflecting back now, it was because we no longer had intimacy. I seriously felt like a blow up doll, I could have been anyone to him. I really miss when it was ahhh so fabulous...many moons ago.
Well sounds like I have something to look forward to one day. Geez hope I don't explode or internally combust when it finally happens

crazynot posted 9/15/2013 06:25 AM

spontaneous combustion can be good too!!! My ex told me that since I'd 'gained a lot of weight' since the kids he found me 'very unappealing'. Guess how sexy I felt then? They need to make us feel like dirt so that they can feel better about cheating. But THE thing I've learned is never to accept their valuation of you. For me the sheer fact of having someone who is actually interested in what i say and do is as much of a turnon as the mind-melting kisses. I regret staying so long in my faithless, loveless marriage. That's what I regret.

Ostrich80 posted 9/15/2013 16:25 PM

Part of the mind torture is seeing that every porn search he does is for a petite blonde...ow exactly. Guess who's I'm tall, brunette, and not petite. I used to think he was pretty hot, but lately, nah..if I were to.look up my fantasy man, it wouldnt be his description either.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/15/2013 20:00 PM

I had been with my stbx for 22 years and tbh, the sex is what kept us together. I was the one who was insecure. He always used to say, "it's my fault your tummy looks like it does (meaning my stretch marks from my births) and if you ever lose your butt I will divorce you". The OW I found out was actually 100 lbs larger than me.

The past 3 years of lies has put a huge damper on my self esteem and am doubting that I will ever be comfortable enough to be with someone else.

blindsided03 posted 9/15/2013 22:35 PM

oh gosh, guys, i went the total opposite route. i did one bad thing after STBXH left. he really, really wanted our bed back. I really, really screwed the hell out of the guy i dated before him in that bed instead. i felt like shit. i realized i had sex with the ex to get back at stbxh, not because i was still in love with the ex. although, it does make me feel better that he's not the only one who got laid in this bed, i never gave it back. he's sleeping on the floor of a stranger's apartment. good luck, asshat. i mean, it wasnt the end of the world, and i'm kind of glad i did it now. it was the first time in 2 yrs that i'd been with someone else, so it was new and i wanted to cry for the first time ever after sex. but, now, i'm like, well, it wasn't that big of a deal. it didn't change my life and i'm not worried anymore about what will happen next time a guy tries to screw me. plus, i do feel kind of glad knowing that this would tear him up on the inside. i didn't tell him, but damn am i ready to use it, if he ever comes at me again!!

inconnu posted 9/16/2013 13:12 PM

the last few years, our sex life was sorely lacking. I thought it was me

This was me in my marriage, and as it turns out, I had wrongly assumed the responsibility and the blame for the crappy sex life. At one point I went so far as to get my hormone levels checked because I thought I must have had an issue.

I was wrong, although I didn't realize it until after I divorced and had met my now-SO.

Instead what I had was a husband who was checked out of the marriage, and there was no intimacy or connection. And my love language is quality time. So how in the hell was I supposed to want to have sex with someone who didn't want to spend time with me, outside the bedroom?

btw, prior to meeting my SO, I had some of the same concerns and fears you're having. But after I met him, it wasn't a factor at all. It's such a world of difference when you have a lover who is into you, and is not selfish.

All that being said, do not base your sensuality on how someone else makes you feel. You want to be a Victoria Secrets kind of woman instead of the granny gown type? That's up to you. Take care of yourself, make yourself your priority. Don't be the old lady who has the drawers full of lingerie and gifts that she was saving, because they were too good for everyday life.

That's bullshit.

Wear the sexy lingerie, because you want to, even if nobody else sees them or knows about it. Get that pair of shoes that makes you feel sexy, and wear them. Get your nails done, find a new perfume. Find what makes you feel good about yourself, and do it.

Do it because you're worth it. And because when you do find that guy you want to have sex with, you want him to be worthy of you, too.

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