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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: Im as bad as him!!!
Heartbroken2013
♀ 39722
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 mths passed DD and we are doing OK. Triggers are getting less and less, but there are times when im alone that my mind will drift back to 10 mths ago and how I could change the way I reacted to the A.

I am embarrassed about the way I reacted, and I KNOW that if the shoe was on the other foot, that no matter what I had done, if my husband had reacted the way that I did ... I would have left him there and then!!!

1) Upon finding out about the woman he was talking to online, I flipped and pushed him, stormed out of the house (which I really regret now as he had deleated everything off the pc by the time I got back)
Part of me wishes I could change that, and that I could read his conversations with her, part of me is glad they are gone!!!I don't know how I would have dealt with their conversations of sordid sex details, but yet part of me wants to know (does that make sense)

2) Upon looking thru his made up email account (he had deleted all mail but forgot to delete from the 'sent folder' this Is how I come to find out he was having cybersex with this woman (among others) I was drinking a cup of hot tea at the time, and I threw it at him! It flew passed him lucky enough.

I wish I could change that

3) I then picked up his lap top and threw it at him, he stood there and didn't move, I got up from my chair and I stamped on it, lifted it up again and threw is on the floor till it was smashed into pieces.
He stood and watched me, then I did the thing I cant believe I was capable of .... I hit him! I slapped his face several times and punched his chest. I pushed him till he fell into the wall, where there I kicked him. He stood and took it from me, not raising his hands once, altho I did challenge him to ... I wanted him to hit me back!! (I guess I expected him to hit me back, but he isn't that type of person, he would NEVER hit a woman)

I wish to god every day I could change that

4) Not being able to sleep later that evening, I came downstairs and lifted every photo frame we have on the wall and on the dressers, and threw them all into one pile and got a hammer and smashed them all into pieces, I took the photos out and ripped them to pieces, and cut them up with a scissors! He came down to check on me, not even trying to stop me while I screamed at him 'look what you have done, there is no point keeping these now because none of our marriage is true' etc etc .... he sobbed his heart out and watched me till I broke down in tears myself. I curled up into a ball and slept!

He cleaned up all the glass by following morning, and begged me to forgive him ...

10 months on im still here, im still in love with him, I still think anout what he has done, but day by day we are getting better. but io am haunted by how I reacted. if he had ever done that to me, no matter what I had done, I would have walked away! My first marriage my husband was a wife beater once in alcohol, and I stooped as low as him .... im so ashamed of myself, so so ashamed


Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken2013 - do not be so hard on yourself. I understand your pain and your rage. I have it too. My WS has TT'd me since he returned 8 1/2 months ago. Last night I bite him - yep, bite him. Not proud of it either, but sometimes I have no idea how to get rid of all this rage. I have tranquilizers and I try not to take too many as they are addictive, but I took one last night - and slept for the first time in weeks.
I have thrown things, and hit my WS as well. Then we get disgusted with ourselves and feel terrible shame. Funny isn't it, we didn't do anything wrong, but we are the ones who are ashamed.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:16 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1377 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken honey you reacted out of trauma. You did not plan to slap hit kick throw things etc....
I have done worse. I dont believe I am a bad person. I dont believe you are a bad person.
You have to let go of what you did.

Work on the future.
No you are not as bad as him.
Again you did not daily plan on doing what you did.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you dealt with your reactions in therapy to ensure healthier options next time? Just because we are women gives is no right to lay hand upon our partners. I know you are remorseful and you don't seem to be justifying. But I think you are right, you actions were pretty horrible. I don't say that to be mean but to validate your own concerns.

We, all of us, BS or WW, have an obligation to be safe partners.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
beebee
♀ 40632
Member # 40632
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT as bad. Your reaction was not the same as a betrayal. You were traumatized, and everything you thought you knew about your husband and your marriage, your assumptions about your life, and your sense of security, all those things were shattered. Your world was turned upside down.

You wish you could have controlled yourself, and it's fine to think that way when you look back on it NOW and you haven't just found out the awful truth; but you need to work on forgiving yourself for having a perfectly understandable reaction to finding out your husband was cheating.

In fact, your reaction was pretty "classic." Around the world, it's known that hell hath no fury, right? I threw stuff out the night I found out, though I didn't smash and break any framed pictures of us - but the thought DID occur to me! And I'm sure many BS's have smashed the pictures, and many more have considered doing it - you don't have the market cornered on that.

It's also possible that your reaction HELPED your WS to feel a little better - that immediate "punishment" of sorts, which he deserved, may have helped him to feel that a tiny fraction of the burden he felt was lifted because you acted so quickly to deliver "swift justice." That sentence - watching you destroy things - had to really hurt.

I doubt you hurt him too much by slapping him, but hitting and kicking may have gone too far. But you didn't say that he was injured, so I'm assuming you didn't really intend to hurt him so much as "get your anger out." I hope you were at least in control enough to keep yourself from doing real physical harm to him.

And yes, you may have left him if the shoe was on the other foot - but you also might have come back, when things settled down.

So please don't be so hard on yourself. Be more gentle with yourself for what would be considered the world over a "normal" reaction, even if you don't like it or consider it your finest hour. It was the worst of times in your life, and so you weren't your best self - it's OK not to have been polite! Work on forgiving yourself for feeling shattered and vulnerable and traumatized and acting on it. If you had a friend who acted that way, wouldn't you hug her and tell her the same thing? Be as kind to yourself as you would to her.

[This message edited by beebee at 9:52 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


me: bs
him: ws
affair was short but the hurt goes on
reconciliation: mc is helping

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB - I absolutely agree with Heartache. Therapists that deal in trauma will tell you that the reaction to this trauma is not something to beat yourself up about. If it occurred before the trauma or continued after the initial phase, then some serious help is required and it is a much more serious issue. Are you seeing an IC that deals with trauma? They can be greatly beneficial in helping you process this. I would assume that part of the reason you have beaten yourself up about this is your past experience with DM. That was another trauma, hope you are in IC.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
cruelty
35951
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, I feel a BS should be given a pass for lashing out initially physically, if it is something cometely out if character. That said, the law doesn't see it that way and its probably best to have a zero tolerance policy towards it. It does no one any good, and may in fact leave you vulnerable to charges.
Personally, I think the WS that presses charges for being slapped, or shoved by a BS when they first find out is a punk.mind you, I'm talking about relationships that are completely non violent otherwise. I think it's an understandable reaction.
But again this is my opinion I'm not the law.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, I feel a BS should be given a pass for lashing out initially physically, if it is something cometely out if character.

Nobody should ever get a free pass on anything. We should always be accountable for our actions.

-----------------

3) I then picked up her lap top and threw it at her, she stood there and didn't move, I got up from my chair and I stamped on it, lifted it up again and threw is on the floor till it was smashed into pieces.
She stood and watched me, then I did the thing I cant believe I was capable of .... I hit her! I slapped her face several times and punched her chest. I pushed her till she fell into the wall, where there I kicked her. She stood and took it from me, not raising her hands once, altho I did challenge her to ... I wanted her to hit me back!! (I guess I expected her to hit me back, but she isn't that type of person, she would NEVER hit anyone)

I wish to god every day I could change that

4) Not being able to sleep later that evening, I came downstairs and lifted every photo frame we have on the wall and on the dressers, and threw them all into one pile and got a hammer and smashed them all into pieces, I took the photos out and ripped them to pieces, and cut them up with a scissors! She came down to check on me, not even trying to stop me while I screamed at her 'look what you have done, there is no point keeping these now because none of our marriage is true' etc etc .... she sobbed her heart out and watched me till I broke down in tears myself. I curled up into a ball and slept!


---------------------

Does changing the gender around merit the "there there" responses?

Heartbroken, it's good that you recognize how awful that shit is. I think you should hold onto your surmise that your behavior was not okay. Shame is not necessarily a bad thing - it helps show us what we have done wrong and what we need to correct in our lives. Being consumed by that shame in a toxic way is unhealthy, but recognizing the shameful things we have done and trying to correct ourselves as you have done here is the best possible direction. Good luck and I hope you and your husband continue to do OK.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7565 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
cruelty
35951
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew that would be the reaction, that's why I was careful to say it was my opinion. And no again IMO, it doesn't matter if the genders are reversed.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that's your opinion and assumed that was the case. I disagree with your opinion and present my own.

You feel that if a man threw his wifes laptop at her and threw her to the floor, kicked her while she was down there and shouted at her to get up and hit him should also get a pass? I cannot say your opinion is wrong as it is your opinion but I would call the cops, myself.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7565 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
beebee
♀ 40632
Member # 40632
Question  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm old fashioned, but I do think the genders make a difference (assuming the woman is not a lot bigger and stronger, and that she has no formal training in martial arts or something that makes her arms and legs "lethal weapons").

Women used to slap men when they got "fresh" and nobody called the police - it was "expected" back in the day, and it certainly wasn't considered "abuse."

Similarly, if a woman slapped her husband when she found out about an affair, it used be considered a pretty "normal" reaction - again, not at all "abuse." If he had glasses on, a slap might cause cuts on his face, and that would change the situation.

But again, I guess I'm showing my age here ... there was a time when a woman slapping a man wasn't a big deal if the guy "had it coming to him," as we used to say. NOBODY would think of calling the police on her. HE was the jerk. He had done HER wrong.

It's a whole different thing when a man applies his greater body strength to slapping a woman. He could do some real damage, where she is much less likely to be able to.

So let's talk about pushing and hitting, and even kicking; the expression "throw like a girl" comes into play. If she wasn't a pitcher or an athlete of some kind, her punches and kicks most likely felt more like what an annoying little brother can do compared to what a husband's blows would do if the roles were reversed.

I understand Heartbroken2013's wishing she hadn't done those things. But I also understand how she could do those things under those terrible traumatic circumstances. The fear that a woman feels when a man starts throwing things and throwing punches is NOT the same as the fear that a man feels when the roles are reversed - the man KNOWS he can overpower her if he wants to.

But her husband wisely let her get the rage out of her system - as I said in my earlier post, perhaps he WANTED some punishment, and didn't try to stop her from smashing pictures or from going off on him because he KNEW he "had it coming."

And as cruelty said, any newly found out WS who'd press charges on a woman in THAT situation is the lowest kind of self-serving, cheating punk.


me: bs
him: ws
affair was short but the hurt goes on
reconciliation: mc is helping

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not you are not as Bad as him what so ever..
I agree with beebee. It's different for genders. I got very physical with my WH after I found out had a PA with unprotected sex. When I first found out about the A he swore no sex. I can tell you that it broke me and literally the flood gates broke. I went into total rage breaking china chairs and everything I could get my hands on. And then I started hitting him slapping punching whatever I could do. But he held me back when i wouldnt stop.. He did slap me a couple of times to shock..Well Men are much stronger I looked like i was in a car accident. My arms and neck and face completely black and blue. I do bruise easily but I had to call in sick for 3 days. You can even compare if he had done what I did to him I would have looked like death. He on the other hand had a busted lip because I happened to land one good punch.
Not proud of either of our behaviours. I did provoke him to hit me back. That was 15 months ago. And we rarely fight I did throw some fruit and veggies at him after some TT but again I was in shock. Then I asked the Doc for something as my anxiety was sky rocketing. It helped a last year. Now I just internalize my anger and I go running. He knows when I am really pissed because I double my distance. I can telling you exercise helps me especially when I get angry. I know it's time to hit the pavement.
Don't be hard on yourself. If he wouldn't have cheated you would want to beat the shit out of him.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's stop with the generalizations people. Hitting another is wrong whether male or female

Now, posting as a member who's wife has a Black Belt and actively teacher martial arts, I can tell you who will come out on top if we were to get into a physical altercation. Physical size and strength have nothing to do with it.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37610 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Amber13
♀ 40505
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes hitting is bad.
However look at the positives, look how your husband reacted. He must love you very much.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But again, I guess I'm showing my age here ... there was a time when a woman slapping a man wasn't a big deal if the guy "had it coming to him," as we used to say. NOBODY would think of calling the police on her. HE was the jerk. He had done HER wrong.

Was this the same era of Boys Will be Boys when it came to a married man fucking a woman who wasn't his wife?

I understand the simple matter of weight ratios as spoken in a thick accent. I also understand justifications for the most minor of violations. If it's just a kiss what's the problem? We only talked about my dick once, it's not like I sent a pic. So on.

It's not like throwing shit at a guy is unlikely to cause a concussion if you hit him in the head because he has superior upper body strength. I mean me, I have ninja reflexes and I can wire fu like a motherfucker but the average guy who doesn't have a 20 in his Con stat like I do would probably fall down and bleed if he caught a 6 lb laptop to the temple just right.

Violence is something that should be unacceptable regardless of gender or circumstance. Well maybe not circumstance. Like when my wife wants me to slap her ass during sex. Or at the gym. Not slap her ass during sex at the gym, but that sort of consenting violence in a controlled atmosphere kind of thing.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7565 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ wifehad5.. You are right violence in general is bad..breathing trust has consequences..including your wife possibility beating you up..

But really women even your wife and put her against a man with rage she will lose..

[This message edited by Dreamland at 4:18 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you really feel badly about doing this, apologize to him. I did.

I hit my FWH once. Actually, I tore his shirt off and then beat upon his chest, while sobbing wildly. He took it. About 2 days later, I apologized to him and told him that I had no right to hit him and that it wouldn't happen again. He told me that it was OK, I was in pain, and he had it coming. This was before I knew about his ONS. I came close to hitting him after DDay several times, but was able to deflect that urge and destroy something else.

There are few circumstances where people have the right to hit other people. I can well understand the urge the inside of my head can be a rather scary place when I'm losing it, however except for protecting yourself or another, hitting another person is not right.

So, apologize for the act, but not the feelings leading up to it.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5096 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Herkemeyer
♂ 36910
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j. So all it takes is an accusation from a WW and he goes to jail. But it's a perfectly normal reaction for a BW to abuse her husband. Come on Beebee, really? Maybe we should recommend that WH carry a VAR with them so when she breaks her finger hitting him, she doesn't call the cops, out of rage, and send him to jail for spousal abuse. Your logic is flawed, ma'am. Striking another person is never okay. The thought of hitting my WW never entered my mind. end t/j

eta: typos

[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 4:44 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
ShockedErica11
♀ 37550
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


@ wifehad5.. You are right violence in general is bad..breathing trust has consequences..including your wife possibility beating you up..
But really women even your wife and put her against a man with rage she will lose..

T/j
You don't know much about martial arts, I can tell. Coming from the experience of having a brown belt in Akido and Jiu Jitsu, tae kwon and a mix of kickboxing thrown in, my sensei made sure to pit me against this awesome guy named Derek when I was training at 16, and Derek was 6'4" and round about 300+ lbs I reckon. Yeah, you learn that anyone, no matter their size, can go down. I'm sure that wifehad5 is very well aware of his wife's capabilities.
/t/j

To return on topic, there are numerous things physically towards my WH that I wish I could do over, but only because it takes me to my FOO and how my father used to physically abuse me and my sibs. I swore to myself I would never do that to someone, and I did and deeply shames me because I've never lost my cool that way. I knew to walk away from an argument once it gets too heated.

The first time was the November DDay, when I ht him on his chest like a crazy woman. I can barely remember that night. The final, February DDay was the most scariest because I'd found out about his TTing and that anger? That one was a strange mixture of methodical and rage. I felt like how my father must've felt: you're angry as hell, but there's a clinical detachment of knowing just how and where to hit someone that scares the hell out of me. I was trained in how to hit someone and where and what would do the most damage, and that cold detachment? Holy shit. Scary as hell.

I haven't hit him after, and I'm in IC but I know where this came from which is horrible because honestly, I've AVOIDED fighting with people except in my sensei's dojo or sparring sessions with my father ( funny, he taught us to defend ourselves, but he was the biggest threat) or when I defended my sibs from other kids when we were children. There was always a peaceful alternative, but in this instance, all of that went right out of the window and I've been in bad situations before where emotions are high and a fight could break out, but I've always kept my wits about me and avoided it.

That pisses me off; a non-violent person that weeps when a dolphin species goes extinct and this situation turns me into a maniac.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ wifehad5.. You are right violence in general is bad..breathing trust has consequences..including your wife possibility beating you up..

So using this logic, it would be understandable if I'd taken my rage out on my wife on our first D-day as opposed to the poor laundry basket that gave it's life that night? That would just be a consequence of she betraying me? (Still posting as a member)


But really women even your wife and put her against a man with rage she will lose..

If he had equal training, sure. I know some 90 lb 14 year old girls that I've seen in action, and I'm downright scared of them in that mode. Anyone in a rage has the potential to do damage.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37610 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 44
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