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Would it be easier to split up?

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Amber13 posted 9/14/2013 04:34 AM

What I'm really wanting to know is... If you split up, would it stop the triggers, the mind movies, the obsession, and the pain? Or would you still have to deal with all of that, and heal by yourself?
I want to be with him, but sometimes I can't stop thinking about it and I think is it worth this? Will I ever get over it if I stay with him? I think it is not helping that the 1st anniversary of Dday is looming.

CatchyUsername posted 9/14/2013 05:12 AM

I too often wonder this. I guess the people to ask are the ones over in the divorce forum...

devasted30 posted 9/14/2013 06:08 AM

I too have thought about this long and hard. I don't think it would be any better in the beginning because not only would you have all the same triggers, but if you really do love your WS, you would also be mourning that loss as well. Over time, who knows. Maybe the triggers would eventually start to fade, but you would still be without your WS...Is that what you want. I'm giving it a full year to see how I feel about everything. It sure would have been a lot easier if he had told it all to me at the beginning and not TT'd me. I think I have it all now, but it's taken him 8 1/2 months and everytime it throws me back down into the "pit" and everytime it is harder to climb out. I've been down there a week now and I'm not even sure if I want to come out this time because I don't think I could survive another lie. I have told him that if I discover another lie, I am done. So, I might be able to answer your question better in a few weeks if I really don't have the total true now.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:09 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

MovingUpward posted 9/14/2013 06:23 AM

I know what you are saying. I spent 2 years trying to reconcile and nearly the same trying to get a divorce. The road to R and the road to D are both very tough roads. You cannot tell when you start down the road how tough it will be nor can you tell where you will end up. You are already walking on the road to R. There is a familiarity with this road that the road to D doesn't have. There is also more of an ability to move from the road to R to the road to D if things change. The road to D has many different issues and if you take it you'll find that it can quickly alienate you from your spouse. Thus closing off a return to the road to R.

The triggers, the mind movies, the obsession and the pain can still exist at the end of either road. While things may seem easier after a D (if you truly are able to accept that you don't love your S), when a new person comes along many of these issues reappear and need to be dealt with. The point of this is that you will have to do the work to get beyond the triggers, mind movies, obsession, and pain in order to heal yourself regardless of the road you take.

My personal advice is to stick to the road to R until you are certain that there is no hope of R then and only then pursue the D.

I know that d-day anniversaries can be really tough. There have been many a member who posts about issues surrounding d-day anniversaries. Keep posting for support to help get you through this time.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 6:24 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 9/14/2013 07:42 AM

Yup - my experience was that the 1st antiversary was awful. As was the few months leading up to it. The actual day came as a relief.

I believe the major part of the pain is from being betrayed, and we're stuck with it once D-Day hits.

If you D, then you have to deal with the pain od D. If you R, you have to deal with the pain of being with your betrayer. But life can be good either way, once you deal with the pain.

Amber13 posted 9/14/2013 15:29 PM

Thank you for your posts. You actually posted what I wanted to hear. I was worried someone would say "Yes if you D all your problems will go away", but thats obviously not the case, and I know it!
Carrying on the road to R.
I really hope things go your away.
Thank you

921Lisa posted 9/14/2013 16:14 PM

I was cheated on in my first marriage, he backed out of MC, so that was the end of the M. We divorced.

This time, my FWH was strong enough to stick it out. We have reconciled.

Which was harder for me?


I still had issues with the D, but it was over much faster. I didn't trigger because I let it go once the D was inevitable. I do not remember triggers. I was sad. D is HARD. I felt like a failure. Many feelings, but it was very different in my perspective. All I had to worry about was ME, and that is much easier than worrying about US.

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