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It seems everytime I get something im looking forward to, it goes to shit. Manytimes there is drama and backstabbing involved. It seems life does not want to give me any peace. I have come to the point I do not like people. Not liking them is moving toward despising them. How do I find a happy place?

Right now im fighting to keep my vacation.

Im also dealing with the bus driver I dont like (driver nor the company...I dont trust them with my kids). Im trying to let go of my first days experience (her literally not caring dd7 was not on the bus); im trying to think its one experience and it will get better. It keeps getting worse. More stuff happened yesterday.

Why cant there be one corner of my life that is happy?

Yesterday I go to verizon on my lunch. There is one customer that seems to be waiting. I am asked my name and my concern. I am then told it will be a few minutes. I politely and sheepishly ask how long because I was on my lunch break. (I could have come back on my day off). I am rushed up the line. I am embarrassed but greatful. The person helping me seemed put out. She didnt smile. She wouldnt look at me. Nothing. I finished her job later. Just got the bulk of it done, for which im greatful...

Some days I want to stick cotton in my ears and hide in the closet. I just need a break.

How do I get rid of this black cloud that seems to be following me?

Eta: there is more work crap going on. Has been going on. I am not supposed to know but I do. Frustrating.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:03 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

(((Sully)))

I'm sorry, Sully. You have had a lot of ups and downs in life. I hear you. I've had that ball of anger/rage. It's not great when you feel like you are going to explode. The things that helped me were crying, venting here, and looking at my DD. I feel so lucky that she is healthy and safe. She has a roof over her head, food to eat, and love. I hope things turn around for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:19 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Counseling maybe? I too have had this ball of anger hang around in my life and the talking with my counselor helps quite a bit. She has a way of calming me down and re-focusing. Its my own safe place where I can express what I need to and get a fresh perspective.

there is no one right answer, I wish there were. (((sully)))

I have been doing a lot of thinking. First I must do what got me through my miscarriage, impending permanent infidelity (which didnt happen) and subsequently brought me dd.

Second, I have to find a way to go into myself and find my happy. I just dont know how to do this.

Third deal with the fact most people are assholes. One can say they have miserable lives, but do they? Those I know or know of live seemingly good lives but they enjoy hurting others. They usially run in packs, too.

I also have realised I dont have the energy to fight for what is right. Esp when most people wont step up. I cant fight for them (this is something irl). Im physically, mentally and emotionally exaughsted. I can barely take care of myself

Bus service: I loathe them but I neex them. I will put into writing why I dislike them in case, heaven forbid, something does happen, then I am letting it go. Another situation under the catagory: I cant control.

I was told several times over to go to IC. Yes. I need it. I was trying (wronly) to get it done here. It was unfair to you all. This realisation came now after finding the first person who blocked me. I wont accept responsibility for why that person blocked me. I may be a pia, but I am not a bad person nor do I go out to hurt anyone. An IC gets paid to help me deal with my crap, nobody here does and I am done with making you all my IC. Its nof fair. Now to find one that works with my long work hrs and the kids.

Im going to go put this all in a notebook so I can refer to it when I have rough times.

And one goal: by the end of next summer a get away for the kids and I. Ive not been on a real vacation since I was 6 wks pregnant with dd who is almost 8.

Yes there are lots of assholes out there. I can't understand it either. They must be wired differently. Just take pride in the fact you are not like them!
Have you heard of mindfullness? There are lots of books about it. I find it really helps when things are getting me down, it really focuses you. And a book wont cost as much as IC.
I wouldn't worry about looking for advice on here, people wouldn't reply if they didn't want to.
Look after yourself, do something nice for you. F every else!