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The pain of it all

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hurttoday posted 9/14/2013 08:27 AM

So I have never posted anywhere or talked to anyone about my situation. In January I was sent away for work. During my time away my w seemed to grow increasingly distant. I would call her first thing in the morning, after work, and before bed just to talk to her and the kids. She began to say I was calling too much and I was getting on her nerves. This lasted for six weeks. Finally on the day I was returning home she told me she wouldn't be there the kids would be but not her. She assured me she just needed a weekend to her self. That weekend turned from two days to five. When she returned home from her mothers house in a nieghboring state she told me the only way we could rebuild our relationship was to seperate. I told her that since I was being sent away for work again in three months I would pack my things and and be completely moved out. We agreed that I would stay in the finished basement until then. Every weekend after that she wuld take days off of work to extend a two day into four or five days at her mothers house. It was this way until Easter weekend when she told me she had made a mistake and wanted to be with me again. I thught that was fantastic because I truely love her. Then on May 27th she tells me that she had PA. To compound my pain she had a PA with the same man 8 years earlier. Oh and to make it worse there were no precautions taken. Since I found out she has been tested for every std and all are negative. I feel very betrayed and manipulated at times. I have always loved her and she has always been my priority. I hurt so bad and I don't want to leave her. She has since informed me that her mother re connected my WS and him. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

jjct posted 9/14/2013 09:13 AM

Whoa man! I hope you don't buy into her minimizing
"I made a mistake" bullshit.
I know it's tempting to sweep it all under the rug, and return to a semblance of normal, but I'm sorry - that would be a huge mistake for you going forward.

She is going to have to do hard work to discover - and unveil to you - the reasons for her choices to cheat.

Her choices. NOT MISTAKES!

Know this too:

IF she tries to make it about you; you weren't there enough for her (sorry, you were working your ass off to provide, no?), or any other excuse - please do not allow it.

Her A is ALL ON HER. Period.

Also, chances are, something happened: his BW found out for instance, and he threw his side-piece under the bus. I doubt you are getting the truth at this point.
YOU get STD tested too, and try not to have sex with her. Yet.

Keep posting. We got your back.

jjct posted 9/14/2013 09:18 AM

One more thing.
MIL needs to be out of your lives until she comes crawling back with snot-bubbling remorse...and even then, maybe never.

foxglove posted 9/14/2013 09:27 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. You'll find this a very welcoming place by folks who understand exactly where you are at right now.

If you haven't already done so, read The Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. There is lots of useful information, especially the Betrayed Spouses Frequently Asked Questions.

So, a few things I might recommend. First see an attorney-this does not necessarily mean you are going to get a divorce, but you need some information about moving out of the house, especially if your name is on the house or mortgage.

Is your WW's affair partner married? A repeat affair with the same person can be very problematic, but if the AP is married or in a relationship, it is helpful to get in touch with the OM's spouse/partner who may not be aware that an affair was going on.

Are you considering reconciliation? If so, your wife needs to be transparent about her activities, including electronics. That starts with a "no contact" letter to the OM. In addition, the weekends with mom need to stop immediately.

Your MIL reconnected them? Jeez, I hardly know where to start with that nonsense. What is she thinking? Does she approve of her daughter's conduct? I'm sorry, but I'm angry on your behalf.

It's very important to take extra good care of yourself right now. The STD testing is a good step. Eat and drink water, get exercise, and consider seeing your doctor for assistance with medications for sleep or depression if necessary. Above all, you need to know that this is not your fault. Your wife made a decision to have an affair-twice.

Keep posting, this is a long and bumpy ride.

hurttoday posted 9/14/2013 10:05 AM

Answering some questions. I am trying to reconcile my relationship. When I ask her why she did it she told me she does not know. I have had all the std tests available. She went so far as to tell me shenhad to go and see him so he could test with the hiv home test. That destroyed me when she did that. When I try to discuss it she just tells me she hurts too bad to talk abut it right now. The OM is not in a relationship. He is in fact my polar opposite. I work full time have all my teeth work out everyday at lunch and I don't do drugs. I am so confused when I think of what that guy has that I don't. This whole thing is overwhelming me. This situation makes my ptsd worse. The one person I thought would always look out for me abandoned and disregarded me. This whole thing is confusing because her father passed away a year ago and they were best friends.

jjct posted 9/15/2013 09:41 AM


she had to go and see him so he could test with the hiv home test????????????

Look, I'm just trying to save you tons of grief...well, more grief.

"You" cannot try to reconcile without "her" having
- Remorse
- Transparency
- Honesty
- No Contact

R is a gift you offer.
You cannot do the work for her.
I'm sorry, I really am. You just can't.
"She does not know" won't cut it.
You cannot fix what you did not break.

Thefly559 posted 9/15/2013 11:26 AM

Well sorry you are here but welcome. You have gotten some great advice so far , follow it . If you were going to listen to anyone regarding this it should be the ones who went through it . Your wife I think is not telling you the truth at all ? What happened they took an 8 year break? Why ? That mil you need to cut out of your life totally. My mil did and does same thing for my stbxww and I cut her out of my life and I never looked back on that decision. I know you love your wife but do you really want to live in fear forever. Without some serious remorse and giving you whatever you need in all aspects of life to heal , then I don't think it is possible to repair. Not in my opinion at least . Also the apple does not fall far from the tree so be careful in your decisions. Talk to a lawyer is great advice and remembering that this is all on her and not you is a must! I wish you luck and remember you are not alone in this mess . We are here if you need us.

kannan posted 9/15/2013 11:35 AM

She had an A with the same man 8yrs ago and she did this again. You want to reconcile.

But what consequences she had faced 8yrs before for her A? What consequences she is going to have now?

My advice is to get tested for STDs and file for D. If she is truly remorseful she will follow you and do the things needed for R. Then repair your marriage. Dont walk with instant forgiveness and second chances, both are hard earned by WS by hard work and true remorse. Its a gift to WS from the BS. Its not their right to have a second or third or fourth chance after every sex fest with OM, even if they do everything right, Its a gift from BS.

She wanted to rug sweep without addressing it, don't allow this to happen, else you will be here in few yrs later.

hurttoday posted 9/15/2013 16:51 PM

The reason it stopped eight years ago is because I filed for divorce. We reconciled after about 6 months. I appreciate all of your posts and support. I have told my ww that the mil is out of my life and my children's life because she is toxic. My ww and I have signed a seperation agreement incase we seperate. She is now going to counseling weekly and is being transparent. I have tested negative for all stds and she wanted to be sure she could be sure she didnt have hiv because of the six month window period so she had to test him. I know itbis ridiculous but she needed to do it. I can not put into words how I feel. I just feel disregarded. I know it is not my fault she chose to do what she did. I know I did what I could to be there and give her love and respect. I would send flowers to her work just because. I would leave work early just to put a note and some flowers on her car when she was having a rough day. Everynight I would sit in the bathroom while she bathed to talk to her about whatever she wanted. I guess I will never know why she did it. I just have to accept that it did and try to rebuild. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I have been through some pretty horrible things.

jjct posted 9/15/2013 19:03 PM

I guess I will never know why she did it.

The point is - is SHE doing the work to discover the why.

I just have to accept that it did and try to rebuild

Nope. You cannot rebuild what you did not tear down.
That work is on her.

You did not truly R. You swept it under the rug...and see? It came back to bite you...
lather rinse repeat...

All the unexpected flowers and devotion got you what?
I suspect the ladies on here would love to have had you for a H - what do you have?

Why are you putting up with this?
Do you think you deserve less than full transparency, honesty, remorse, and no contact?
There's a story there. Tell it while you're lacing your ass-kicking boots on.

hurttoday posted 9/15/2013 19:43 PM

Thanks for your comments. The first time this happened I stood my ground and we went to counseling and individual theraoy for years. I heard her cheif complaints and made the changes. I am not marking this as a non issue nor am I sweeping it under the rug. I am holding her accountable and I am struggling to maintain.

OK now posted 9/15/2013 20:14 PM

My guess is that she has found out there is no future with the OM and has bought back into the marriage as a consolation prize.

She has no respect for you and therefore no love. If you wish to reconcile under these conditions then I wish you the best of luck.

Don't necessarily believe that her mother reconnected her with the OM. She is a liar and obviously would throw her own kin under the bus to save her own hide.

jjct posted 9/16/2013 06:33 AM

I heard her chief complaints and made the changes.

That's where it all goes south.
SHE needs to make changes, not you.
YOU making changes assumes you somehow have the responsibility for her choices to cheat.

She obviously has not changed.
Don't buy into that false narrative, that you have to make changes.
Why did she tell you about her A?
I fear you're not getting the truth...this is a repeat performance.
SHE has to stop, and own her shit. Don't let her off the hook.

happyman64 posted 9/16/2013 07:25 AM


You do realize just how much a good person you are right?

Your wife does not have the same values as you.

She not only abandoned you and your marriage but she abandoned her family as well.

So not only do you have to look out for yourself but your children too......

Your wife needs serious counseling. She has broken faith with twice for the same loser.

That can be very demoralizing to a battered spouse. I do believe you are starting to realize that you are not the cause for her issues or the reason she makes these horrible decisions.

Your MIL must be kept at arms length. Of you, the kids and your wife if she is smart enough to realize it.

Show your wife some consequences. She needs to feel the pain and want to work to rebuild all that she chose to give up.

And you need to enforce healthy conditions for your marriage and family. Boundaries are a must.

And your wife needs to clearly understand what the repurcussions will be if she breaks your trust again.

Do not be that womans fool any longer.

Good luck and keep posting.


toomanyregrets posted 9/16/2013 11:53 AM

What's that old saying, "fool me one, shame on. Fool me twice, shame on you."
This is number two.

Maybe it is time to seperate and see how she'd do living with OM.

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