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User Topic: The Effex of Sex- Healing or Rug-sweeping
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been plenty of times since Dday, where sex was a trigger for mind movies, anger, sadness, pain.

But most of the time after sex there is an increased sense of hope and security, an ease of pain. Early on and still sometimes now I pursue sex to make me feel better. There were definitely times during HB that it felt like we were trying to F*&K our problems away.

The real work is being done on both or our parts so I don't mean rug-sweeping that way.

Do you think the soothing effects of sex come more from the rebuilding of intimacy and closeness, or is it just numbing endorphins in the brain allowing us to forget the pain for a bit? I question it most with "make-up sex" after an issue or fight. Is it healthy or harmful?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the heavy lifting is being done, then I think the sex is your reward.

Hormones are released when we orgasm that lead to bonding. I think it just reinforces the other work.

Enjoy it! Sometimes when nothing else was working for us, the sex was. We need something to look forward to in this painful journey!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen and Hallelujah to that one!
Look, I am going to take any fricking good thing that can come out of this and run with it.

If we didn't have yoga/exercise and sex to balance out all the hurt and effort needed to get through this, I honestly don't know how I'd get through it.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex is meant to be a bonding agent. From the purely mechanical endorphins and other hormones that help you to feel bonded to the other person to the closeness and intimacy that being together pre and post sex bring. My personal opinion is that if both of you are doing the work to try to heal yourselves and being accountable to each other (especially the WS) then you're crazy if you don't have sex. Because that is one powerful bonding agent that can help you. Reward yourselves and delight in each other. It's good for the body, good for the mind, and good for the soul.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5236 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
joeboo
♂ 31089
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex is meant to be a bonding agent. From the purely mechanical endorphins and other hormones that help you to feel bonded to the other person to the closeness and intimacy that being together pre and post sex bring. My personal opinion is that if both of you are doing the work to try to heal yourselves and being accountable to each other (especially the WS) then you're crazy if you don't have sex. Because that is one powerful bonding agent that can help you. Reward yourselves and delight in each other. It's good for the body, good for the mind, and good for the soul.

I agree with Skan. I think this is how it is supposed to be.



Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the comments and I agree 99%. I think the questionable 1% comes down to motivation. If the motivation is to just feel better than it could be counter productive. Along the lines of "you have to feel it to heal it".
If the sex just becomes an escape, than the issues will resurface. I have found that to be the case a few times in our journey.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You - all BSes and all WSes, for that matter - can't do the 'work' 100% of the time! It takes too much from us. There are times we're gonna act as if life is normal.

Human beings are complex. We can maintain multiple images of reality simultaneously.

I, too, sometimes think we can eff our problems away. You know what? We're solving our problems - maybe it's the work, maybe it's the sex to pick me/her up, probably it's both - and a whole lot of other stuff, too.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with Skan. Hell sex is something I crave more than ever now, and it's for the intimacy and bonding, and hell because it feels good.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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