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The Effex of Sex- Healing or Rug-sweeping

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AFrayedKnot posted 9/14/2013 08:33 AM

There have been plenty of times since Dday, where sex was a trigger for mind movies, anger, sadness, pain.

But most of the time after sex there is an increased sense of hope and security, an ease of pain. Early on and still sometimes now I pursue sex to make me feel better. There were definitely times during HB that it felt like we were trying to F*&K our problems away.

The real work is being done on both or our parts so I don't mean rug-sweeping that way.

Do you think the soothing effects of sex come more from the rebuilding of intimacy and closeness, or is it just numbing endorphins in the brain allowing us to forget the pain for a bit? I question it most with "make-up sex" after an issue or fight. Is it healthy or harmful?

Rebreather posted 9/14/2013 08:56 AM

If the heavy lifting is being done, then I think the sex is your reward.

Hormones are released when we orgasm that lead to bonding. I think it just reinforces the other work.

Enjoy it! Sometimes when nothing else was working for us, the sex was. We need something to look forward to in this painful journey!

bionicgal posted 9/14/2013 12:27 PM

Amen and Hallelujah to that one!
Look, I am going to take any fricking good thing that can come out of this and run with it.

If we didn't have yoga/exercise and sex to balance out all the hurt and effort needed to get through this, I honestly don't know how I'd get through it.

Skan posted 9/14/2013 16:02 PM

Sex is meant to be a bonding agent. From the purely mechanical endorphins and other hormones that help you to feel bonded to the other person to the closeness and intimacy that being together pre and post sex bring. My personal opinion is that if both of you are doing the work to try to heal yourselves and being accountable to each other (especially the WS) then you're crazy if you don't have sex. Because that is one powerful bonding agent that can help you. Reward yourselves and delight in each other. It's good for the body, good for the mind, and good for the soul.

joeboo posted 9/14/2013 18:31 PM

Sex is meant to be a bonding agent. From the purely mechanical endorphins and other hormones that help you to feel bonded to the other person to the closeness and intimacy that being together pre and post sex bring. My personal opinion is that if both of you are doing the work to try to heal yourselves and being accountable to each other (especially the WS) then you're crazy if you don't have sex. Because that is one powerful bonding agent that can help you. Reward yourselves and delight in each other. It's good for the body, good for the mind, and good for the soul.

I agree with Skan. I think this is how it is supposed to be.


AFrayedKnot posted 9/14/2013 18:32 PM

Thanks for the comments and I agree 99%. I think the questionable 1% comes down to motivation. If the motivation is to just feel better than it could be counter productive. Along the lines of "you have to feel it to heal it".
If the sex just becomes an escape, than the issues will resurface. I have found that to be the case a few times in our journey.

sisoon posted 9/15/2013 12:55 PM

You - all BSes and all WSes, for that matter - can't do the 'work' 100% of the time! It takes too much from us. There are times we're gonna act as if life is normal.

Human beings are complex. We can maintain multiple images of reality simultaneously.

I, too, sometimes think we can eff our problems away. You know what? We're solving our problems - maybe it's the work, maybe it's the sex to pick me/her up, probably it's both - and a whole lot of other stuff, too.

Kelany posted 9/15/2013 14:38 PM

Totally agree with Skan. Hell sex is something I crave more than ever now, and it's for the intimacy and bonding, and hell because it feels good.

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