"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Painfuljourney posted 9/14/2013 09:43 AM

I'm 3 months past DD. We went through the hysterical bonding, still are sort of, though I feel like it's getting less intense.

I started angry, sad, depressed, anxious. The only thing that helped was talking to him and sex. Now I'm delaying talking to him about the mind movies (each time I do he cries and gets really upset, it's exhausting). But because of this I feel some resentment. I am starting to feel moody and pent up aggression.

He is being what he's supposed to be for the most part. He's catering to my every whim. But I'm out of the honeymoon phase of R. I now feel like kicking ass. I want to kick his ass and her ass for hurting me. Anger. Is this normal?

Tell me about your timeline? Is it like the grief timeline? I get confused.

I trigger daily, but never tell him. I have mind movies daily, but never tell him. So this is my fault. I'm just too exhausted to deal with it. My fault. But I feel like he should be encouraging me to talk about it. Not the other way around.

At the same time, I am excited about my life. Our marriage is so much better (if you take the affair out of the equation). We touch, we talk (but I need more depth at the moment), we are nicer to each other. But last night I was shocked at my hostility. It was like PMS. I wanted him to read my mind. Like I'm not totally content. He can laugh and be happy, yet I keep having thoughts of her, him talking to her, fucking her, etc. And then I think of her and her living her life as if nothing happened. I want her to die and hurt and get a disease. It's so not fair. I can only hope that God or karma goes after her and makes her pay for what she did.

Ok, rambling. My husband sleeps, while I obsess. I will be talking to him later and tell him he needs to do more. Part of the problem is my 15 year old daughter is going through depression and newly diagnosed bulimia. We have focused on her mostly the past month. No doubt her issues are caused by our fucked up marriage and the affair.

GraceisGood posted 9/14/2013 10:18 AM

Is it like the grief timeline?

In my experience it is like the stages of grief, but there is no set order and there is no "one and done", meaning you can go through the anger "stage" but that does not mean you will not have anger anymore, you can go through the anger stage numerous times, or the bargaining stage, etc.

I believe this is so because there are so many facets to process to all this (and those facets are different and unique to us all us) and we go through the stages for each and every facet, and of course as we process and move through it we realize and become aware of other things and then there are new things to go through the stages.

But I feel like he should be encouraging me to talk about it. Not the other way around.

Yes, this is correct, he SHOULD be doing this, but I can see why he might not be doing this. One, he is walking a fine line, he cannot read your mind, so he is unsure of when he should or should not bring it up, two, again he cannot read your mind so for all he knows you are doing just fine, so why stir the hornets nest right?, three, he is probably hoping you are one of those miraculous people who will heal faster than others, so he does not have to visit this part of his life again and just be able to move on, four, you said you both have been focused on your dd, perhaps he has a limited ability to deal with things and can only do one or the other

(BTW, I am sorry about your dd and hope things go well on that front)

five,

He's catering to my every whim.

He might think this is enough because of :

I trigger daily, but never tell him. I have mind movies daily, but never tell him.

I know it is hard, especially when we are the wounded party, kind of like asking a wounded person to put their own dressings on, or set their own broken bone, but the reality is, YOU have to do whatever it is YOU need to heal, irregardless of his ability to help you or not.

My husband sleeps, while I obsess.

For me, this was one of the most difficult things, it was insult to injury and I do not handle that well. I remember spending several years watching my H sleep peacefully while I was lucky to get 3 hours a night, and I would have to control myself each night as the desire to just beat the crap out of him was sooo strong when he slept peacefully and I was damaging my health more because I could not sleep due to stress and anger and pain that did not have to happen.

Your sudden anger and hostility is "normal" imo. It is what you do with it that is important.

I will be talking to him later and tell him he needs to do more.

Sounds like you already know what to do

grace

Herkemeyer posted 9/14/2013 14:01 PM

But I feel like he should be encouraging me to talk about it. Not the other way around.

I have yet to hear of any WS do this. If you WS brings up the A on their own, I think you will have a great chance at R.

LA44 posted 9/14/2013 21:16 PM

Painfuljourney, R is not linear. You will go back and forth, back and forth. Like a wave. That is what I felt like the first 4 months. I started to settle down in April but would have spurts of anger and feeling terrible for 2-3 days.

You must talk. Talk every night, even for 20 minutes. If that seems too difficult right now, write him a letter. Tell him of your mind movies and triggers. He must be aware of your triggers. I wrote my H a letter expressing my hurt and anger. After a few days I told him that I would like a response. He did and obviously put a lot of thought into the letter and it helped. I wrote him another letter after that months later acknowledging his efforts, letting him know that I saw how hard he was trying.

But please. Chose the discomfort of talking over the resentment of keeping it inside.

I truly don't believe we would have gotten this far had we not talked daily for months, gone to IC and MC. We have read books and his behavior in owning his actions and doing his damndest to repair is going a long way in helping me feel safe.

The first 6 months are very difficult. Do some good things for yourself. And again, let him know what you NEED.

Best wishes.
LA

ItsaClimb posted 9/15/2013 01:05 AM

So sorry to hear about your daughter painfuljourney, I hope things get better for her really soon.

I find I definitely follow the grief pattern, but as LA44 says, it is not linear - I bounce around between the stages of grief again and again.

I found that I hit a MAJOR anger phase at about 5 months - pure rage poured out of me and it went on for months, I started coming out of it at about 9 months if I remember correctly. It was harrowing!

I am sitting in sadness now (I thought I would be LONG past this stuff by now, but no) I cry literally every single day.

Personally, I think our timelines are very individual depending on: our personalities, our past hurts and FOO issues, what we are dealing with, our current circumstances, the behaviour of the WS.

Please, please, please DON'T bottle things up at this early stage - you will be doing neither yourself, nor your WS any favours. I have found that if I bottle things it makes matters 100x worse as sooner or later I erupt like a volcano and then my WS is left wondering what on EARTH brought that on!

{hugs}

StillStanding1 posted 9/15/2013 02:45 AM

((((painfuljourney))))

I can so relate to your post. I have all the same questions.... And none of the answers. My theme song is "Brave"-- trying to let all those words fall out, honestly. It is hard for me. Writing works better for me.

I am so very sorry about your DD. we are having huge struggles with our DD right now too -- she found out about the A 6 months before me and confronted my H 2 months later. She is still raging with anger. I just HATE what my H's selfishness has done to my kids, to me, and to our family. It's awful. I wish all of you strength, peace, and hope for a better future.