Is it like the grief timeline?
In my experience it is like the stages of grief, but there is no set order and there is no "one and done", meaning you can go through the anger "stage" but that does not mean you will not have anger anymore, you can go through the anger stage numerous times, or the bargaining stage, etc.
I believe this is so because there are so many facets to process to all this (and those facets are different and unique to us all us) and we go through the stages for each and every facet, and of course as we process and move through it we realize and become aware of other things and then there are new things to go through the stages.
But I feel like he should be encouraging me to talk about it. Not the other way around.
Yes, this is correct, he SHOULD be doing this, but I can see why he might not be doing this. One, he is walking a fine line, he cannot read your mind, so he is unsure of when he should or should not bring it up, two, again he cannot read your mind so for all he knows you are doing just fine, so why stir the hornets nest right?, three, he is probably hoping you are one of those miraculous people who will heal faster than others, so he does not have to visit this part of his life again and just be able to move on, four, you said you both have been focused on your dd, perhaps he has a limited ability to deal with things and can only do one or the other
(BTW, I am sorry about your dd and hope things go well on that front)
five,
He's catering to my every whim.
He might think this is enough because of :
I trigger daily, but never tell him. I have mind movies daily, but never tell him.
I know it is hard, especially when we are the wounded party, kind of like asking a wounded person to put their own dressings on, or set their own broken bone, but the reality is, YOU have to do whatever it is YOU need to heal, irregardless of his ability to help you or not.
My husband sleeps, while I obsess.
For me, this was one of the most difficult things, it was insult to injury and I do not handle that well. I remember spending several years watching my H sleep peacefully while I was lucky to get 3 hours a night, and I would have to control myself each night as the desire to just beat the crap out of him was sooo strong when he slept peacefully and I was damaging my health more because I could not sleep due to stress and anger and pain that did not have to happen.
Your sudden anger and hostility is "normal" imo. It is what you do with it that is important.
I will be talking to him later and tell him he needs to do more.
Sounds like you already know what to do
grace