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I am new here. So hurt!

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Gajit posted 9/14/2013 11:03 AM

Well, here goes. I can barely bring myself to get these things out so please bear with me.

I have been lurking here reading some of the posts and it seems there are a lot of caring and compassionate people on here.

My WH travels for work and always has, he always will because of the nature of the work he does. This is his first time cheating on me. We have been married for 20 years, together for 25.

We have been raising my grandchild for the last 11 years so I am not free to travel with him anymore. He says he got lonely so he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and has found someone else to meet his needs. I am almost 55, he is 51. The OW is 57 and is married to someone who is incarcerated. At least that's what he told me.

My D-day was June 2,2013. That was just 2 weeks before our 20th anniversary. I filed for D on July 31, 2013.

I have not been employed for over 6 years because I was raising a child and couldn't find a job to where I would be home for her after school.

Now I have a chronic lung disease, chronic bronchitis, and emphysema. I am not getting disability, one lawyer I spoke to said I wasn't eligible. My STBXH still sends me money, even though it kills him to do so. It is not consistent so I am always worried about paying the bills.

I feel just horrible and can't seem to bring myself out of this fog I am in. I have renewed my faith and that has helped me a little. I just feel lost!

Gajit posted 9/14/2013 12:38 PM

I forgot to mention that this whole thing (D-day and everything after) was completely done by telephone. I haven't seen him since the day before.

cluless posted 9/14/2013 13:49 PM

Welcome, sorry for the circumstances. I'm pretty much in the "just found out" category and completely reeling from the information and images going through my head.

I wanted to give it some time and not make decisions when I was on the roller coaster. I'm on Day 13 of receiving the whole truth and my WH wants to work things out.

I have not been employed for over 6 years because I was raising a child and couldn't find a job to where I would be home for her after school.

Well then your eligible for spousal support. I know how hard this is, especially when your whole world is shattered in seconds. Hang in there, write to me privately if you need to vent. There is a book I'd like you to get and read it's called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring -- it focuses on the healing that you need to do.

You're not alone, and yes you're right the people on here have been so supportive. Really does help

Gajit posted 9/14/2013 15:48 PM

I am really hurt over this. I know everyone here has felt this, it just helps to 'say' it.
I know I am going to get alimony, permanent alimony. I just find myself almost obsessing over this whole mess. If I could just go no contact I think I could improve, but I have to speak to him at least once or twice a week about getting funds to pay the bills.

I feel numb.

heartache101 posted 9/14/2013 18:17 PM

Sorry you are here.
Read here in the healing library.
Go see a lawyer and know your legal rights. You want to protect your assets!

SurelyNOT posted 9/14/2013 20:34 PM

Similar situation, husband works away from home quite a lot, but not as much as we were lead to believe. Had already moved in with OW, denied all initially and said we had nothing to worry about, nothing was going on. Paycheques have been diminished for the past year, was getting cash advances (I was unaware of this), funding this affair and her 10 year old son. So hurt and betrayed, trying to hold it together for our two daughters (13 and 17). Haven't seen him since end of July, he's working out West, all our conversations were conducted over the phone. Some days I'm up and more often than not, I'm not. This is so very hard, do they even realize the extent of the hurt they have caused? I recognize your hurt and sense of loss, and hope you can find solace soon. Regards :-)

Hope2B posted 9/14/2013 22:46 PM

Gajit, any time someone applies for disability, it's the norm for that application to be denied. If you appeal, you have just jumped through the first hoop.

Get some physicians to document that you are disabled and cannot work. You might also need to see a psychologist for more documentation.

Do you have a court order yet for spousal support or alimony? Does it include that he will be paying for your health insurance?

I think there might be a way for you to receive support payments automatically, much like many people pay their rent, with an automatic transfer from their account to a different account for the landlord on the first of every month.

Gajit posted 9/15/2013 09:12 AM

In the final draft of the divorce will be that he has to provide me with health insurance. He only has 2 more weeks to retain a lawyer/respond to the summons. I hope he doesn't because then I will be able to default him.

I am having trouble in my mind disconnecting from our marriage. I still live in our marital home and almost everything I see reminds me of our life together. Sometimes I drift off in daydreams thinking about our 25 years together. I wish I could get past this and just move on!! UGH!

Gajit posted 9/15/2013 10:42 AM

Also, I wish I could tell the OW's BS. He is in prison and I'm not even sure of her last name. He might even condone her doing this.

I will never understand a female sleeping with a married man, or vice versa! I don't want to! It's so selfish and self-serving!

Gajit posted 9/17/2013 14:49 PM

I was thinking today that I could try to communicate to him that we still have a chance if he wants to. I just don't know because, he only has 13 days left to respond to the summons I served on him for divorce.

Any ideas or words of wisdom out there? I am torn.

Skan posted 9/17/2013 15:23 PM

Please. Just pray that he doesn't respond. And then take him to the cleaners, get your SS established and hopefully, some CS for your grandchild.

You know, at any time, if he pulls his head out of his ass and actually fixes himself enough to where you feel like you want to take a chance on him again, you can do so. Married or not. But right now, given that he hasn't even TRIED to man up enough to do what's right for you, I would finalize the divorce and get into IC. And keep detaching from him. His actions say that he doesn't care for you, he's fired you from the job of being his wife, and he has no intention of acting like a true man and making good his stinking decisions. Trust in what his actions are telling you, not what your poor bruised heart is saying. This is the time that you have to think with your brain and not with your heart. (((hugs)))

Gajit posted 9/17/2013 16:53 PM

Thank you Skan for responding. You are right. I think I was having a moment of weakness.


NeverAgain2013 posted 9/17/2013 17:34 PM

Awwww Bless you, Gajit. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way. You are so strong! I admire you for that.

Gajit posted 9/17/2013 18:31 PM

Thank you! I am trying really hard to get through this, if not for me, for my granddaughter who had faith in him as well. She called him her papa. Now she doesn't even want to see or talk to him. This is so hard for both of us but I guess I have to put my big girl panties on and follow through.

chiquita posted 9/17/2013 20:21 PM

Dear Gajit. I am sorry you found yourself here. I am on my 9 month after DDAY and I still hurt so much.What I have learned is that you have to take your time to heal.You have to go through all the emotions, anger, devastation, pain and anguish in order to heal. It takes time and for everyone is different. I have had good days, bad days and horrible days where everything seems to have lost meaning.
Above all, you have to take care of yourself. Eat well; try to rest, sleep and as much as possible control your thoughts because they are a really bad enemy. I also have realized that no matter what I do, I will not control nor change my husband. If he wants to cheat again, he will do it. The only important person right now should be you. Find something that you like to do and spend time indulging in it. Also, spend good quality time with your child, she needs you and she will be your strength when you are down.
Tell yourself, over and over again, that he is not worth your pain and your love, if he was capable of doing what he did and is not showing any remorse or the will to make things work between the two of you, he doesnít deserve you. It doesnít matter who she is, what matters is what he is or is not. I read a posting here in SI where they came to the conclusion that men usually find someone weak, beneath you because they will receive the validation they need from them, not because she is better than you. In your case that is a given, you already know she is not worth.
Please go ahead with the legal aspect of the divorce, demanding everything that you are entitled to. Donít think of how it is going to affect him, he didnít think of you when he decided to walk away. I suggest stopping contact with him, at least phone calls and meetings, trying e-mail or texting when you need to communicate with him.
I send you hugs and know that everyone here is very supportive and understand very well what you are going through.

Gajit posted 9/18/2013 13:42 PM

I would LOVE to stop talking to him! He, however doesn't do texting or email. He is very technologically challenged. That's one of the things he hates about me. He is a dinosaur, I am a butterfly.

Gajit posted 9/19/2013 20:35 PM

I was at a convenience store today and saw a woman, (who I totally imagined as the OW). I felt like slapping her skanky ass and telling her to do us all a favor and die. She was probably 45-50, dressed in daisy duke shorts and a tight t-shirt and was bouncing all over the place. Everyone was staring at her.

I just want this shit over with.

Gajit posted 9/19/2013 20:58 PM

I wonder how he would respond if he thought I had another man interested in me?

Any feedback would be nice.

The other man I am referring to is God. But do I have to tell him that?

Gr8Lady posted 9/20/2013 05:52 AM

No great or profound advice, just compassion and understanding for your wretched situation .
Stay strong, treat yourself well and know we all understand your pain.

RockyMtn posted 9/20/2013 06:29 AM

I wonder how he would respond if he thought I had another man interested in me?

Go re-read Skan's advice above. Don't bait him.

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