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My wife feels she doesn't know me anymore - the issues that are black and white for her like fidelity, trust and honesty, she feels are grey areas for me now.

I guess, as she doesn't know what I think or believe in, she doesn't know if she can trust me or what I might do next.

She emailed me a list of questions listing all the areas I transgressed in my 4 month affair asking what I believed in now...

this is part of my reply...

some of the things i have learned and what i believe now:

If we have problems, we should discuss them

I must be open, honest and transparent about everything

I need to ensure we have a window between each other and a wall to others when it comes to private issues around our marriage

No significant relationships with women

No private/secret meetings with women

Our marriage is private and should not be discussed with others

Sex is only between us; I want us to be monogamous, exclusive and faithful to each other

We need to show affection and caring on a daily basis

We need to communicate especially when either one of us is upset or down

I don't believe in God; I do believe people are responsible for their own behaviour so being an atheist is no excuse for what I did

Children are devastated by a parent's infidelity and subsequent decision to leave the family home - I don't want to wreck their lives any more then I want to hurt you.

One of the books we looked at about affairs says it is natural to feel some attraction to people of the opposite sex. However, acting on that or even thinking about them and "what it might be like" is stepping over the line.

Drinking to excess: lowers inhibitions; affects decision making; and makes yourself feel more attractive and others look more attractive. Therefore no work nights out for forseeable future and definitely no drinking

We need to continue to work on the other needs of our relationship including: support; shared recreational activities; and me re-establishing connection with your family

It's not a complete list but it's a place to start...

It's a good start. Stay on course.

I think that there is a time after d-day when you are in a gray area navigating toward the black and white. For some of us, maybe most, we are just as surprised by our actions once we realize what we've done as our spouses are on d-day. So I guess I think it is okay to be in a gray area yourself as long as you are working on things to define, redefine, or reestablish boundaries that you may have had or known you should have had in the first place.

I'd be curious about what you find if you look into the drinking issue more. Why were you drinking to excess?

usually i drink very little.
On that occasion at a work night out that started the whole thing, i had drank alot mainly because i hadnt done so in a long time and i used to enjoy it! Maybe on some level i wanted to prove i wasnt too old.

i think you are right about looking back at affair behaviour with confusion. i sometimes wonder if this was all a bad dream - i dont recognise the person who did those heinous things for 4 months.
i have never had a high opinion of myself but i hadnt thought myself capable of such deceit or abandoning my sense of right and wrong; of betraying my best friend.

That's a great place to start. Adding things to the list about self-discovery would be good too. When we can clean up who we are OUSTIDE of how it relates to other people, it can only benefit our relationships.