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Joanh posted 9/14/2013 12:25 PM

Anxiety attack I think not sure, really having a hard time breathing. Overwelmed , not sure what brought it on! Everything I look seems to be to much. Heart pumping crazy and now tears. Just this heaviness. Oh my god whats happening. Sorry but oh my god. I was fine. Calm even but know I can't breath.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/14/2013 13:42 PM

Look around you. What can you touch in front of you? What are the colors in front of you?

Take slow shallow breaths.

Joanh posted 9/14/2013 14:34 PM

I have been laying here had a bath looked at the trees and try to make it go away its not, its just not. I wish none of this happened the gravity the saddness that I have brought my family, the person who I am the things I've done to give me my fix from the reality of the world the weakness i have, its just too much today. My children. Oh my god. Betraying them in front of their eyes and they so innocent not knowing. What kind of mother am I. What kind of wife does this then expects and wants here husband to possible ever love her. to even ask for it by still being here. The knowledge that I may have broken him forever. Wishing to take the pain that it was the other way around and yet not wishing what I feel on anyone. This knowledge this anger and dispair and disgust with my self that I can do these things. And this will be forever. The guilt that I had buried with my first affair ate me to the core. It fed my self hate and worthliness . How do I forgive myself, how do I allow myself to believe there is happiness belonging to me and that I do deserve to have it. I read all these thing and just can't see how. My H says and has been mentioning things he's seen changed and I think really how he must feel. That it took this for me to be a better person. And he's has said as much. The pain that must be for him. the hurt, that i couldn't right my ways before I had to cause him so much pain. How fucked up is that. I wish I could hold him right now. He's away at work and won't be home for at 3 more days. When I talked to him I see how hard he tries to smile, when we skype. And we he thinks I'm not watching the saddness that comes over his face. That's because of what I did, not him, not ourmarriage ME! . My Touch therapist says the pain I feel in my chest and the choking is all the emotion and thoughts stuck inside of me, and that I need to let them out or deal with them. I usually wall them up inside, under lock and key. Ican't do it anymore. It's like I've lost the key and i want it back. Just for a moment. Anyone else feel like that?
Some days I just want to say screw life , what's the point. I won't. I love my children and have gone through friends and family who have taken that way out and that is NOT fair. I'm sorry God that's all I say these days. I know what I'm suupose to My brain logically tells me it gets better, that you do the work and I will feel better, I can't make anyone else but myself feel better BUT...... Having a day :-(

EvolvingSoul posted 9/14/2013 16:05 PM

Hey there Joanh,

Are you doing a little better now?

Joanh posted 9/14/2013 16:22 PM

Going through the motions, thank goodness its Saturday , the children at home. So I have to keep moving. And luckily its a good movie day full of kid movies. Thanks for asking. I am so thank ful I found this site. If not , today would be way worse. Just knowing I am not alone has helped me today.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/14/2013 16:29 PM

One step at a time. It's good to let the poison out here.

Aubrie posted 9/14/2013 16:47 PM

I remember these kinds of days Joanh. Just take it one moment at a time.


Joanh posted 9/14/2013 17:01 PM

Yes it is good to let out these thoughts and feelings, and yes one step at a time. Just one day even one hour at a time. But Wow when there is noone left to blame, just yourself, the world starts getting scarier and overwhelming and unbeatable. And knowing nothing you do today can change who I have been. Do any of you allow yourself to be happy, truly happy without telling yourself you shouldn't do you catch yourself smiling then realizing you are and tell yourself, that's bad? I laugh and then find myself wondering how dare I. IS it wrong to want to laugh? Even though your spouse can't .

Joanh posted 9/14/2013 17:03 PM

Just so much going through my head today, It just won't stop.

Aubrie posted 9/14/2013 17:14 PM

Do any of you allow yourself to be happy, truly happy without telling yourself you shouldn't do you catch yourself smiling then realizing you are and tell yourself, that's bad? I laugh and then find myself wondering how dare I. IS it wrong to want to laugh?

Yep. I remember this too.

Do you feel you need to be punished and suffer?

Does your husband?

Joanh posted 9/14/2013 17:24 PM

Yes, part of me, the other part fights and says no you are worth it. and and my husband believes or has said that I have gotten everything and am living with NO consequences .

Aubrie posted 9/14/2013 17:52 PM

So you aren't facing any consequences. What are these?

the saddness that I have brought my family

the person who I am

the things I've done

Betraying them in front of their eyes

The knowledge that I may have broken him forever.

This knowledge this anger and dispair and disgust

self hate and worthliness

The pain that must be for him. the hurt

the saddness that comes over his face.

I dunno about you but feeling, seeing, and being the cause of all this sounds like a pretty big consequence if you ask me. It's crushing.

What would be a "better" consequence? Being chained in a dark basement full of spiders and vipers? Being beaten and starved within an inch of your life? Being publicly humiliated and shamed?

And would any of that actually take this crap away? Nope, not at all.

I get it. Really. I hated who I was. My husband despised what I had done. I felt that I deserved horrible punishment. But what exactly would that solve? Zilch. It wouldn't take his heartache away. It wouldn't take the betrayal away.

Joanh, please believe me when I say, time will heal the wounds. It doesn't seem like it now. It's overwhelming. It's horrific. But give it some time. Keep working on you. Make the changes. Be healthy. One day you'll look back and be proud of how far you've come. One day, your husband will too. Take it from a couple who knows.

knightsbff posted 9/14/2013 18:50 PM


I hear you about the anxiety. I've been seriously struggling with this over the past few months. I proud of you that you were able to get your thoughts together enough to reach out here. I tried several times but I just felt so crazy I couldn't post about it.

Seeing your post and then seeing that others understood and have BTDT has meant the world to me.

Thank you for letting us see "your brave".


Joanh posted 9/14/2013 22:16 PM

Thanks for the support today. Starting to breath again. Was able to cry and release a little. was canning today and manage to trip over the dishwasher door with the canner in my hands. Swollen knee, shin brused and scraped from foot to knee on the other leg and the canner ended up in the ribs. Nice bruise there too. So when I cried from pain I just kept crying for the rest of the pain and my children hugged me. They thot their mommy was hurt. I needed their hugs even if they didn't understand what the real reason for the tears. Childrens love is so pure. I should have stayed on the couch. But I can breath again.

I know punishing myself doesn't help nor does the shame or the guilt or the unworthiness help anything except keep me down, and it is very detrimental to recovery and reconciling cause logically I know if I can't love and be proud of myself , noone else can. Thanks for thinking I'm brave" I sure do not feel that way. More scared and just wanting to feel better. So for me that means asking for help, to show I am vulnerable and not closing my walls even though it really was safer in some ways. sick thinking I know , but I could escape. There is no way to escape right now.
I feel like I am addicted or that I am recovering addict. This is what I think it feels like. Every things a mess and no matter what it all comes back to my choices my sickness, that I am this far down and those around me have been harmed. I used my affairs to escape the stress, the pain, the resentment add in a little booze to that mix and there I went. I see it both times, there is a pattern. I have repeated this earlier in my life the booze part, but the validation from men. So much searching right now , so much horror in seeing oneself. Its enough to never want to wake up.
Thanks again ladies for being here today with me.

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 16:21 PM

Hi Joanh,

I hope today was a better day for you.

EvolvingSoul posted 9/15/2013 16:42 PM

I see it both times, there is a pattern. I have repeated this earlier in my life the booze part, but the validation from men.

This is good. This is how you begin to untangle it. Seeing your patterns, figuring out how they got there, dismantling them and building something healthy in their places.

I can totally relate to your crying jag after the dishwasher incident. Earlier this year I fell off of a ladder and while I was hurt physically my emotional reaction to it was way bigger.

Hang in there sister.

What were you canning?

Joanh posted 9/15/2013 20:53 PM

Evening all. Thanks for checking in with me. Day has been better. Woke up with that down hill mentality. But my H skyped me with a smile and wondered how I was feeling with all my bruises and cuts. Then my son and daughter came and checked on me with hugs and kisses. An early reminder in the day that my children love me and that my H still cares. So... I decided that it was a day to go to costco. so we headed to the city now its a 2.5 hr drive away so, its a journey in its self. I just new if I stayed home it wouldn't be productive anyway. So lots of time to think. Time to shop and plan even more on how to live and eat healthier. WE are on a bit of a kick in living better and healthier. All came after Dday. Seems with both need to get back to nature and natural and need our health back. So working on that.

Canning I have been canning pickles beets carrots, making borscht. Sweet pickles, home made ketchup and then freezing everyhting in our garden. I enjoy cooking and baking and when I feel bad I do lots! I'm surprised I haven't gained weight. Its the opposite but that my doctor says is stress.
Anyways, made it through the day, we just got home now time to put the children to bed for school.

EvolvingSoul posted 9/15/2013 21:17 PM

I think it's great that you are moving to healthier and more natural. I like to think of it as "wholesome". Basically it's anything that moves one toward being healthier, more integrated, less fractured if that makes any sense. I think cooking and baking can definitely be in that category. Preparing food with love and care for people I love (or actually even people I don't know) feels wholesome to me. Just something about feeding people.

Anyway, you made it through a dip. When the next one comes remember now and know that there is support out here for you and support from your loved ones as well. You'll make it through that one too.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

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