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How to not email about emotions?

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Saadnblu posted 9/14/2013 12:51 PM

It's been three months since DDay. I discovered my husband had been having a LTA. We have been together over 15 years, married 9. I found out by going into his email, finally trying to find out why he was so horrible to me. He travels internationally for work, and saw the OW in various locations around the world, while I stayed at home and took care of our young child, and gave up much of my own life.

We were in marriage counseling during the last few months. He was ready to leave me and break up our family, b ut never admitted it, nor did he admit the OW.

Subsequent to the discovery, the OW decided she didn't want him anymore, or so he says.

I would not allow him to return to the house when I found out. I saw two attorneys for consults, and went through hell, on the roller coaster of emotions, the most painful event in my life, and I've had a rich life. Most of all I was heartbroken for my son. I enrolled in a university class and have been working on keeping the focus on me and my son.

Until the last few days. In the midst of studying for the class I started to go downhill again, almost like a physical sinking sensation. Soon I was emailing him for help in understanding what happened, which he couldn't or wouldn't do, and I followed with two attack emails.

All I said in the emails was true, but I feel terrible now, mired in the pit I have been trying to climb out of for the past weeks. I need to not send him any re mails about feelings, and I have to somehow go back those steps and pick up the pieces again. I don't want to be here!

Has anyone done this/felt this? Any advice on how to keep up the NC, except for kids and finances? I am planning on filing for divorce but needed to have a little time to get strong.

Jrazz posted 9/14/2013 13:34 PM

Welcome to SI, Saadnblu.

Everything you're going through is perfectly normal and on par with this nightmare of an experience. You are not alone.

If you haven't checked out our Healing Library, I'd like like to suggest that as a great first start to get a glimpse of how to heal and slowly regain control of your heart and mind.

In particular, the part about "doing the 180" is really good for not handing emotion and time back to a remorseless wayward spouse. It's not easy to do but with practice you will gain strength and NC will become easier and easier.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Sending hugs and strength to you. This isn't remotely easy but it is absolutely survivable.

mom of 2 posted 9/14/2013 18:45 PM

Saadnblu,

It's been three months since DDay and you backslid with NC? Good lord give yourself a break! Yes it is very common and hell... I reached out for about 2/3 YEARS to my WH after establishing NC.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You and your husband have been together a long time. You can't just flip a switch and turn your feelings off! This is why they call it the emotional rollercoaster. You have will have days/weeks of feeling so very strong and then followed by days/weeks of wanting to reach out to the person (your WH) that caused you all this pain.

It is normal. I promise! So sorry you are having to go through this but I promise, you are not alone.

Skan posted 9/14/2013 20:04 PM

When you're scrambling up a hill covered with loose gravel, it's common to slip a bit before you hit the top. It's the same with NC. You are going to slip upon occasion just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep heading for the top of the hill. And come here for support we're all here to encourage you and give you support. (((hugs)))

Saadnblu posted 9/15/2013 07:49 AM

Thank you, thank you everyone. I think I'm so hard on myself because I am so afraid of slipping back all the way to the days on the couch, or in the bed, crying like a wounded animal, which of course I am. I don't want to lose control, and I don't want to feel that bad ever again.

The analogy of the gravel covered hill is a great one. Highly unlikely you'll slip all the way down and slips are likely. And yes, I think it's going to take a long time to heal from this one.

Just got to go easy on myself, my son, and with life.

I've read in the healing library and will read more. Good so good to know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy.

Thank you!,

SeanFLA posted 9/16/2013 09:28 AM

Many of us know how you feel. I did the same with exWW. And I know it's hard not to do, but it's a mistake. If you really want to get their attention on how painful they've made you feel the best conversation is no conversation. Go dark on him. That's when he'll know he's really done something so incredibly wrong, that he will begin to become scared. Take it from someone who was very much given poor advice by people who never suffered infidelity in their marriages. I was told even by my own in-laws that it was my job to "win her back." In fact I should have done the complete opposite. I should have kicked her out and made her live with her parents. Only reasons I didn't was because I didn't want my son seeing that and the fact that my mother was here visiting when I found out. They were first and foremost on my mind. Nothing you can write in an email will win them back or suddenly make them realize what they've done so wrong. Sometimes the loudest form of communicating emotion is silence.

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