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A Special Forgiveness

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921Lisa posted 9/14/2013 14:29 PM

My husband's affair happened in 2005. We did EVERYTHING, Retrovialle, counseling, changed our lives in just about every aspect. But due to circumstances (I believe my focus was on HIM and US and not enough on ME, due to business issues and his diagnosis of bipolarism that we had to work through medically to stabilize him), I was slow to heal.

He would assume forgiveness. I would correct him and say, "If you have not heard the words come from my lips, I have not forgiven you".

I was unhappy for many years. I was angry. I was sad. I felt lost. But when I finally was able to begin to work on ME, work on MY WEAKNESSES the affair brought to the surface, I began to thrive again.

3 months ago I graduated nursing school. I started my first job as a nurse soon after. Life isn't perfect, but it is damn good. I can look back and see that due to the work I put in after the affair I have pushed myself to become a person that will bring more to the people around me than I probably would have had I not been pushed to push myself so hard.

Now here I am.
I have a new career, new identity.
After 22yrs my FWH and I made it "legal" and got married last week (my health insurance wouldn't cover him without a marriage license). I have a new name.
Next week I turn 50. I am entering into a new era of my life.

I am ready to forgive.

I want to do something surprising and special for my husband to express my forgiveness. I mean, he has waited long enough. Maybe something I can give/do before my 50th Party Bash.

Any ideas out there???

Skan posted 9/14/2013 16:18 PM

You're the person who knows him best. What sort of things are his rewards? What is his love language? What are the things that he likes to do, or special places that he likes to go? Is he a picnic person, a dress up for fine dining guy, what? By narrowing down things that make him feel special, I think that you (and we) would have a much easier time to say such a wonderful thing in a way that would trip all of his I Feel Special receptors.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/14/2013 16:44 PM

A friend of mine took her husband out for dinner. She presented him with a small box about the size of a ring box. It was wrapped and had a bow on it. Her H opened the box and inside was a simple piece of paper that said "Forgiveness". She had literally given it to him, presented as the gift that it truly is. Her H teared up and held her close for a long time.

heforgotme posted 9/15/2013 11:09 AM

Get the inside of your wedding rings engraved with "'til death do us part"

Silentthoughts posted 9/15/2013 12:02 PM

Wow, I really needed a story of forgiveness right about now, I've had a rough couple of weeks after things were seemingly better. At the risk of a t/j what finally made you stop focusing on him and realizing you had to work on you for true recovery to begin? End t/j

I like the idea of engraving something special inside the rings also. Something special that would have meaning to you both? Good luck and happy early 50th!

sisoon posted 9/15/2013 12:32 PM

Wow! My mind is boggled with all the things you've done for yourself and for all the things you can celebrate. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

921Lisa posted 9/21/2013 00:58 AM

Skan, he is very sentimental, which makes doesitgetbetter's suggestion PERFECT!! It's a plan. I will let everyone know how it turns out!

I have thought of the engraving the rings, but that is a two person thing we may do as a couple. LOVE the idea, but it is hard to make it a surprise for this first step in showing him.

Sisoon, my mind is boggled too, lol. It has been a lot of work and worth every moment spent to get where I am today.

I appreciate you all, thank you!

921Lisa posted 9/21/2013 01:31 AM


I knew all along I needed to be thinking of me, but his problems were overwelming. We would go to MC and I would try to talk, and they would switch the focus back to him and his issues. It was all about him him him. I looked "fine" I suppose. I was so resentful and unhappy and felt I had nobody. People, even good friends get sick of the sad story, so I sucked it up and pushed forward. Finally the opportunity came up for me to go to nursing school and I jumped on it. It was very scary and difficult, but not any worse than what I'd been through already. RIGHT? lol

I am now at a place where I can reap the rewards of the hard work. I can dream again. And I have financial security, which was the chink in my armor at the time of the affair.

I no longer live under the illusion that my husband would never betray me. I know although improbable, it could happen again. But now... I have had practice. I wouldn't be blindsided. Much like Mary's mother states in the movie The Women, No one can ever hurt me that way again. And I know what my response would be, the second time around.

[This message edited by 921Lisa at 1:33 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

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