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A couple of things that are preventing full R.

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joeboo posted 9/14/2013 18:28 PM

It would appear as if everything is going along relatively well with a couple of exceptions.

The first is that I put my guard down and in spite of past humiliations, we are having sex again. Its really just a release as it never was an act of love for her, so I dont pretend it is now. Although I make sure I take care of her first, I am really not into it I just want to do my time and get it over to avoid mind movies and any humiliating thoughts. So after a dry spell of about a year, it gave me more than enough time to notice how she act toward me in general. Before the dry spell, she would definitely act bitchy and superior to me. During the dry spell, she was much more attentive toward me. Now for the last few weeks after the dry spell ended, she is going back in the mode of bitchy and the superiority routine again.

The next thing is that although she is doing most everything right, I just dont feel like I am the man she really wants. That feeling is not caused by something she is doing now, rather by what she has said and done in the past. I am not like the APs, and in my mind, the APs were the guys she was attracted to both physically and socially. So in that regard, I will never feel like I am their equal.

The first item concerns me with regard to how she treats me when we are active vs the dry-spell. It really makes me not want to be sexually active. The second item is more my perception and one that I could live with, but I would always yearn for more than what I will ever have.

[This message edited by joeboo at 6:28 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Markay81 posted 9/15/2013 03:00 AM

Im sorry I don't have any words of wisdom in the sex department. But I totally get the feeling like you cant equal up to the AP. I still have days were I have to convince myself of this. It is not what the AP had or didn't have. It was about the WS own selfishness. I am nothing like the AP. And well honestly thank god. But on days its really hard.

wifehad5 posted 9/15/2013 04:43 AM


These are that could things that could be resolved through communication. Are you in any sort of MC right now?

joeboo posted 9/15/2013 08:19 AM

But I totally get the feeling like you cant equal up to the AP.
I think almost all of my insecurities are gone, obviously with specific exception. Its not so much how I feel about me now, it is more about how she feels about me now. Its almost like she is lying to herself that I am really the one. I wish you peace with your own struggles.

Are you in any sort of MC right now?
No we are not. I just posted a follow-up in one of my threads in General eluding to the fact that fww haven't been in MC for about 2 years now. I am glad you mentioned it too. I think it is time for a professional assessment.

Kelany posted 9/15/2013 08:49 AM

Get thee to MC. There seems to be a lot of non-communication here.

You say she's doing most everything right. What is she doing that is right? What is she doing to help you to heal?

joeboo posted 9/15/2013 11:11 AM

You say she's doing most everything right. What is she doing that is right? What is she doing to help you to heal?
Well, when you put it that way....

She is not acting like an easy target as near as I can tell. That is the same answer to both questions. That is not a bad thing. She likes to leave the past in the past and on occasion will proclaim that to be golden words of wisdom. Her current attitude (within the last few days) is really stirring up old emotions of how I used to live in constant suspicion.

There are only two variables...., we moved to a different town, and we started doing the nasty again. I am starting to regret both.

[This message edited by joeboo at 11:14 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

bionicgal posted 9/15/2013 11:32 AM

Lot of anger here, and maybe some thinking that could be helped by MC. I sense communication is way off. Please get help; you'll be happier.

sisoon posted 9/15/2013 12:45 PM

Communicate, with or without MC, and maybe IC, too.

I made sex a requirement for R. My W is very different from yours, and our histories are very different, but good sex is important to you, so I encourage you to require it. f your W is committed to your M, it won't be a burden for her.

The question of whether or not she wants to be M to you is more difficult. If she's bitchy because she's using sex to conquer you, well, you may be reading the sitch correctly. OTOH, the source of your question could be 'low self-esteem', in which case you wouldn't accept that she really wants you whether she does or not.

So, communicate - if she says she wants you and sounds honest, the problem is with you, and that's why I mention IC (for you). If she doesn't say it, or if se doesn't sound honest, you both may have a problem here.

JMO - you know your sitch better than I do.

wifehad5 posted 9/15/2013 15:01 PM

I think a really good MC could be helpful. From what you describe, she sees you as the enemy, or someone to be manipulated. I don't know that you yourself can overcome that.

An impartial third part can help break that cycle.

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