fWW 40s, BH 40s
Turn and face the strange changes...
I haven't posted in a while. I start a post and then start to feel that what I have to say isn't important enough to post so I delete it... That's one of the thought processes I'm working on changing so I'm going to post this time dammit.
To me, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
We are just past a year out now. So much has changed. Much of it very good, some kind of scary, some I haven't figured out yet.
After d-day when I pulled my head out and SAW the destruction within and all around me I felt something had to be wrong with me. A "normal" person would not do the things I did right. So I took myself to a psychiatrist and told him I was concerned I was bipolar. I spent a year being evaluated, trying several meds and in IC. The meds were NOT fun. Things were hard. I thought I was going to need inpatient tx at several points. Finally p-doc took me off all but an AD. I'm finally feeling much better after almost a month on the AD, not perfect, but much better. Not bipolar.
In IC I have been working hard on my thought processes. I have a long way to go still. My BH says the changes I have made are remarkable. It's harder for me to see I think because I seem to live inside my head a lot more now. I'm quieter and introspective. I'm much more careful about what I do and say. I'm learning and trying so very hard.
In April I gave up my career to be a SAHM. My H and I both believe it was the right decision but.....Holy Identity Crisis Batman! I have worked since I was 14. I worked 16 years as a RN and was working on my MSN to be a nurse practitioner. I was good at it. I think that was one of the few (maybe only) areas of my self I was very confident about. I'm still adjusting...lots of work still to do here.
Did I mention early menopause? Nuff said there.
So here comes my main point/issue...
I guess my personality has changed...is changing...a lot...
I'm struggling to figure myself out. I'm having a lot of anxiety. I haven't wanted to go out and be social much. I'm not keeping in touch with friends and family. My confidence is not what it used to be. When I do get around friends or family I guess I seem "different".
About a week ago a day or two after my nieces bday party my mom stops by unannounced and sits me down in the living room. Apparently, my sister, BIL, and mom were "discussing" me after the party. BH and I opted to go home rather than go hang out at my sisters. I am dealing with FOO issues so small doses of my FOO are better for me and BH right now while I'm working on things.
Anyway, mom sits me down on the couch and demands to know "what's wrong" me. She said I was a "zombie" and not my usual bubbly self. She demanded to know what medications I'm taking. It was crazy. My mom has no clue about medications. She tried to say I was sedated. It's ridiculous because I'm finally off everything and only taking a low dose of AD now. BH is a MD and I'm a nurse I was not sedated I was a little uncomfortable trying to navigate the minefield of unhealthy dynamics I now recognize as my family after a year of IC. I was trying to be loving and still stay true to myself without offending anyone. I was walking on egg shells because I refuse to continue playing the unhealthy role I have participated in up to now. I know they have been noticing changes for many months now and I guess they don't like it but I promise it's not medication driven.
Then last week my MIL called me on the phone.
MIL: Are you doing ok?
Me: I'm doing fine. Just helping the kids with homework.
MIL: I'm just worried about you. You were quiet when we came over for dinner last week. You weren't you usually bubbly self.
Me: Nothing to worry about. I'm doing just fine. It was kind of a mad house but we had fun.
We had BH's 3 brothers, their wives and kids, and his parents over, plus 6 of us, totaling 15 souls. It WAS fun but there are major FOO issues there too and I'm really working on being authentic, kind to myself and maintaining boundaries. This takes some concentration and focus when one is new to these things. Why does everyone feel like I need to be "bubbly"? Maybe I'm just not bubbly anymore. It's possible I will never be bubbly again. I can live with that. Right now I'm having a hard time lightening up is that such a big deal?
No one knows about the A except IC and pastors. Friends ask me if I'm ok too.
I'm really feel I'm doing the best I can. I nearly lost it during the interrogation by my mom. I was angry and hurt. Makes me want to hide more.
Also BH is so angry lately. He discovered candy crush and it nearly cost us his iPad.
I don't that I really have a question. I guess I'd like to know if others have struggled with feeling comfortable in their own skin while working through this process. I'm open to any observations or advise. If you read all of that thank you for reading it.
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 12. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.