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knightsbff posted 9/14/2013 18:28 PM

Turn and face the strange changes...

I haven't posted in a while. I start a post and then start to feel that what I have to say isn't important enough to post so I delete it... That's one of the thought processes I'm working on changing so I'm going to post this time dammit.

To me, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

We are just past a year out now. So much has changed. Much of it very good, some kind of scary, some I haven't figured out yet.

After d-day when I pulled my head out and SAW the destruction within and all around me I felt something had to be wrong with me. A "normal" person would not do the things I did right. So I took myself to a psychiatrist and told him I was concerned I was bipolar. I spent a year being evaluated, trying several meds and in IC. The meds were NOT fun. Things were hard. I thought I was going to need inpatient tx at several points. Finally p-doc took me off all but an AD. I'm finally feeling much better after almost a month on the AD, not perfect, but much better. Not bipolar.

In IC I have been working hard on my thought processes. I have a long way to go still. My BH says the changes I have made are remarkable. It's harder for me to see I think because I seem to live inside my head a lot more now. I'm quieter and introspective. I'm much more careful about what I do and say. I'm learning and trying so very hard.

In April I gave up my career to be a SAHM. My H and I both believe it was the right decision but.....Holy Identity Crisis Batman! I have worked since I was 14. I worked 16 years as a RN and was working on my MSN to be a nurse practitioner. I was good at it. I think that was one of the few (maybe only) areas of my self I was very confident about. I'm still adjusting...lots of work still to do here.

Did I mention early menopause? Nuff said there.

So here comes my main point/issue...

I guess my personality has changing...a lot...

I'm struggling to figure myself out. I'm having a lot of anxiety. I haven't wanted to go out and be social much. I'm not keeping in touch with friends and family. My confidence is not what it used to be. When I do get around friends or family I guess I seem "different".

About a week ago a day or two after my nieces bday party my mom stops by unannounced and sits me down in the living room. Apparently, my sister, BIL, and mom were "discussing" me after the party. BH and I opted to go home rather than go hang out at my sisters. I am dealing with FOO issues so small doses of my FOO are better for me and BH right now while I'm working on things.

Anyway, mom sits me down on the couch and demands to know "what's wrong" me. She said I was a "zombie" and not my usual bubbly self. She demanded to know what medications I'm taking. It was crazy. My mom has no clue about medications. She tried to say I was sedated. It's ridiculous because I'm finally off everything and only taking a low dose of AD now. BH is a MD and I'm a nurse I was not sedated I was a little uncomfortable trying to navigate the minefield of unhealthy dynamics I now recognize as my family after a year of IC. I was trying to be loving and still stay true to myself without offending anyone. I was walking on egg shells because I refuse to continue playing the unhealthy role I have participated in up to now. I know they have been noticing changes for many months now and I guess they don't like it but I promise it's not medication driven.

Then last week my MIL called me on the phone.
MIL: Are you doing ok?
Me: I'm doing fine. Just helping the kids with homework.
MIL: I'm just worried about you. You were quiet when we came over for dinner last week. You weren't you usually bubbly self.
Me: Nothing to worry about. I'm doing just fine. It was kind of a mad house but we had fun.

We had BH's 3 brothers, their wives and kids, and his parents over, plus 6 of us, totaling 15 souls. It WAS fun but there are major FOO issues there too and I'm really working on being authentic, kind to myself and maintaining boundaries. This takes some concentration and focus when one is new to these things. Why does everyone feel like I need to be "bubbly"? Maybe I'm just not bubbly anymore. It's possible I will never be bubbly again. I can live with that. Right now I'm having a hard time lightening up is that such a big deal?

No one knows about the A except IC and pastors. Friends ask me if I'm ok too.

I'm really feel I'm doing the best I can. I nearly lost it during the interrogation by my mom. I was angry and hurt. Makes me want to hide more.

Also BH is so angry lately. He discovered candy crush and it nearly cost us his iPad.

I don't that I really have a question. I guess I'd like to know if others have struggled with feeling comfortable in their own skin while working through this process. I'm open to any observations or advise. If you read all of that thank you for reading it.

Joanh posted 9/14/2013 18:42 PM

100% this disengagement with friends and family , Family especially. That enviroment too, has many FOO issues, that I can't be part of , dealing with Anger there and old resentments . The not liking living in the new or old skin. I hear you there. A girlfriend of mine has talked about that and I never knew what she meant till now.
You know people wonder whats going on , you want to engage but just don't have the energy and I just don't trust myself to really see what is going on anymore. Its so much safer to be home. The SAHM, I have been part time. that way. I work from home part time. I'm starting to wish I had appreciated this way more before the kids were in school. The working since 16 and none stop I hear you there too. I was an owner of a spa before my 2nd"family" of children. So to go from that too stay at home wow! talk about loss of identity, turning 40 and the premenopause. add in depression and we have one hell of a cocktail to explode that.was crazy. Now trying to balance the new you to the old. Seems like a dream. And everyone questioning that there's something wrong. Its to bad that they don't realize that the person you /we are today is the person that should have been seen before.

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 05:54 AM


To me, it sounds like you are being true to yourself and living authentically. You are taking it slowly and reflecting and figuring it all out, it's the others who aren't 'on board' and that's okay.

I guess you can't blame them for sensing something, and I think you need to continue doing what you're doing and telling them what you're telling them.

While I was going through the process similarly to the way you are, I definitely went inward, or got like tunnel vision, focusing so much on my growth and living in truth (finally) and my M, it was exhausting and I had no energy or desire to deal with 'the outside world'.

Some didn't get it, they took my behaviors as aloof, or I was just such a different (new and improved, IMO) version of myself and they didn't like it. Also, people who were in the relationship with the emotionally unhealthy AN now were in a relationship with somebody who was growing and not accepting crap and calling people on their toxic behaviors in order to get to a place of being true to myself and others. People who aren't 'there', can't handle it. If you think about it, it makes sense...this is not what they signed up for. Your changing is throwing them for a loop!

Anyway, I'm babbling.

Just want to say that I think you're doing great, knightsbff, and I think your growth and self awareness is a beautiful thing .

refuz2bavictim posted 9/15/2013 06:53 AM

To me, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

I share some of those struggles. As a deleter of 98% of my posts, which I copy and paste elsewhere as a way to process my thoughts, I relate. As a person I relate. Nothing to do with WS/BS....etc...
I supsect I am working on a similar process from the other side of the coin.

I have found that that being bubbly is/was hard work. It's nice to be still.

Anyway, I guess all I really wanted to say that I appreciate your choice of that quote and your thoughts.

edited to fix my typos from so much editing prior to posting. I edit therefore I error.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 7:49 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 07:06 AM

Hi refuz!!!

I want to add (and I meant to say it before but I got caught up in sharing my own experiences and forgot!) that I love that quote as well.

That part of the movie was so touching and beautiful and sad.

Few words, but we can all use to hear them and tell ourselves that.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/15/2013 08:26 AM

ICR to a lot of what you wrote. Just "being" is so much work these days; I went from being detached and oblivious to my emotions and others' to hyper-focused on every word and action. It's exhausting and overwhelming.

Thanks for overcoming your resistance to posting.

Jrazz posted 9/15/2013 15:58 PM

I guess I'd like to know if others have struggled with feeling comfortable in their own skin while working through this process.

For me a lot of this was learning how to be in my new skin. What has happened is life changing for both parties - there's a (sometimes scary) new world on the other side of things, and it takes a while to adjust to it.

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