"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SoOver96 posted 9/14/2013 19:04 PM

Then why was it so easy for him to cheat on his wife? I am no saint believe you me but I have been faithful to him since we got together

burnedcanuckEMS posted 9/14/2013 19:25 PM

He is a hypocrite. Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows. Maybe this is just a mind game he is playing with you in the hopes that you won't leave him?

gonnabe2016 posted 9/14/2013 19:42 PM

***WS doesn't believe in Divorce***
Huh. How convenient.....

allusions posted 9/14/2013 19:53 PM

Tell him that unlike the tooth fairy, divorce really does exist.

gma56 posted 9/14/2013 19:55 PM

WS doesn't believe in Divorce

Mmmm. What the hell does he think could happen when he is cheating and lying ? Didn't think you would find out or care? They almost ALL think the same thing. Both lying and cheating will lead to divorce more times than reconciling .Why ? Because a WS can be very delusional and definitely in a deep fog with no remorse only regret of being caught. That is never good reconciling reasons.

Take a look down Wayward forum and read what true remorse is and the hard work they do to fix their problems and marriage. How is your WH comparing in actions ?

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:36 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

SoOver96 posted 9/14/2013 20:02 PM

I don't he can compare this is the fourth Saturday he hasn't came home and someone that is remorseful fully comes home I believe and wants to be there for his wife and his kids I made my choice 17 years ago he is still my choice but I feel I'm not he says he's staying til the day he dies but wouldn't you think he'd put in some effort

gonnabe2016 posted 9/14/2013 20:07 PM

He seems to think that YOU don't have a say in this...... If he continues on the path he's on, I have a feeling that he's in for a big old shock -- the one where he realizes that he doesn't control the world and everyone in it.
Idiot.

SoOver96 posted 9/14/2013 20:27 PM

I told him 2-3 years ago He would have to leave if he didn't get a job we were living off my income which I was ok with until he started staying out all hours of the night then coming in taking the bank card out of my purse while I was sleeping he only did that twice that's when I told him he had to leave I was at my Gmas house when I got the call saying he knew it I said knew what so I rushed home there was a note saying that he saw my exs name on line and he knew I was cheating which I opened my laptop and there's his name just his name my husband did not open the im so he didnt read the messages nothing if he had he would of known nothing was going on on my part just asking what gifts he wanted on FarmVille and occasionally shut the hell up because he'd bring up the past ( sorry for repeating I know ive put this in other post) my husband means the whole world to me and I'm just a pile of shit under his feet. back then and now it sucks I'm not with him because of the kids and I'm not with him for a roof over my head this is my place my Gma bought it after my gpa passed because my mnl told me if my husband ever went back to jail I wouldn't have a place to go so she wanted to make sure I did have a place

gonnabe2016 posted 9/14/2013 21:25 PM

I'd like to couch this with a *gently*, but there's not really a gentle way to say this -- WHY should he put in any effort? He's been using you and getting away with it for so long that he now feels so entitled that he can cheat right under your nose AND pretty much *tell* you that he's going to continue cake-eating because divorce just isn't an option.

He has a criminal background. (you mentioned he'd been to jail)
He seems un-interested in getting a job and quite happy to "stay [in the house your gma provided to you] until he dies."
He takes your bank card w/o your knowledge (technically it's his money too since you're married, but I'm referring to the sneakiness of the action)
And he accuses you of cheating based on......not too much and without any type of conversation.

He can still be *your choice*, but that doesn't mean that the choice that you are making is one that is emotionally healthy for you......

SoOver96 posted 9/14/2013 21:46 PM

Your right I can't change him ive tried I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating two yours ago I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated I haven't gone back I've stopped praying I'm lost how can he say he loves me and not prove it I'm sorry I'm venting

Skan posted 9/14/2013 22:01 PM

You know, he's telling you how he feels by his actions. Sometimes you have to let go with the outcome that you wish would happen and see the outcome that is being shown to you. And then believe it.

I do assure you (and that turdsmacker) that divorce does exist. Been through one. Unlike Unicorn farts and Rainbow glitter in the sky, divorce is real. Just go talk to a lawyer and they will tell you exactly how to make it happen. I'd say you were overdue for this talk. (((hugs)))

SoOver96 posted 9/14/2013 22:35 PM

I know that's right :-(

StillGoing posted 9/14/2013 23:25 PM

Roll to disbelieve fails. Divorce is real.

joeboo posted 9/14/2013 23:49 PM

Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows.

Very well said.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/15/2013 00:09 AM

how can he say he loves me and not prove it

*His* definition of love and yours are different.

I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated

IMO....no, not really. It isn't God's job to give you what you want. Years ago, I decided to take 'religion' more seriously. I decided to learn it and live it. And I did that. It has turned out to be a really good thing for me, but it did shit-all for my marriage....because my stbx is an abusive, serial-cheating, toxic dude....and that's not MY problem. Disclaimer: I haven't been to church in over a year. During false R we began attending a church that had a pastor and congregation that I really, really liked and felt 'at home' with, but when I found out that stbx was cheating during our 'supposed' R......I couldn't bring myself to return to there.

I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating

????? What ?????
SoOver.....this is a super-duper red flag for abuse.
He was worried that your IC was going to work with you enough that you would be able to *see* how fucked-up he is and encourage you to make healthy choices for yourself (ie....leave him because he's not a *good* relationship choice for you emotionally)...and so he threw a tantrum <or whatever> and made you feel *bad* about it and so you stopped going. *Score* for his cheating ass! He gets to keep you in this mind-swirling mind-fuck in perpetuity. Great for him. Really, really, really bad for you. .......did I say *really*?

Take a step back right now. You've probably read about the 180. Your WS seems to *have your number* as far as knowing which buttons to push on you in order to get you to 'fall in line', so expect it to get a bit 'ugly' when you start thinking about YOURself and what YOU need and want for your own life and start taking steps to achieve it.

What does this guy bring to the table, SO? Seriously. Think about it. What is HE doing to for YOUR life?

Bluebird26 posted 9/15/2013 04:11 AM

See if he 'believes in Divorce' when you serve him with Divorce papers.

Please don't live like this any longer. Please see a lawyer asap.

sisoon posted 9/15/2013 14:31 PM

Your H means the world to you. He treats you like shit under his feet.

Analyze that, SO96. The reading I get is that you treat yourself like shit.

IC - IC - IC. Start telling yourself the truth: you're loving, lovable, and capable.

All you need is for you to believe in D - and in yourself.

(((SoOver96)))

SoOver96 posted 9/15/2013 15:20 PM

I have no idea if he has an account on here because it was the weirdest thing he came home and I was practicing the 180 I didn't say anything to him it was about midnight he goes in the bathroom and he talks loud so I can hear him two rooms away or more if I don't have anything on and he says Ive treated you like shit since day one I didn't respond out loud but all I thought was WOW i could not believe that he said it its like he read this thread but he doesnt go on my ipod but he doesn't remember half the things he says the morning after so I'm debating on telling him what he said because he will deny saying it. I appreciate all your responses I really do he was a wonderful guy when we met all through middle school through the summers through high school even before we got married even through our pregnancy with our daughter he went to the appts then bam jail he was driving on a suspended license when he thought it got taken care of.

damncutekitty posted 9/15/2013 18:29 PM

It doesn't really matter what he believes. If you choose to divorce him, he can't really stop you.

SadFlower posted 9/15/2013 19:09 PM

SoOver, I am going to echo what the others are telling you. I know that you remember a good man long ago, but for whatever reason, he is not that man anymore. He is abusive and controlling. You deserve better, and you know it.

SEE A LAWYER NOW. Even if you ultimately decide not to divorce him, you need to know your rights, and you need to know how to get him out of the house your grandmother bought for you if you do decide to divorce. You need advice on protecting your finances, too. (At a minimum, change your debit card PIN number.)

Do not tell him that you are planning to see a lawyer, though. Just do it.

And good luck, SO. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.