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My "new standards" and loneliness

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burnedcanuckEMS posted 9/14/2013 19:45 PM

Its been a while since I posted but lord knows SI has been a lifesaver for me. Long story short 1 1/2 years ago I discovered my ex-h's secrets and lies. R was not a option, he had zero remorse and continued to lie, so I filed and D was granted six months later. In that time I met and dated one man. I knew it was moving too quickly, but ignored the signs. I discovered that "I" was the other woman and that he was married to a woman in a small country in Europe. I broke it off immediately upon finding out.

Fast forward six months. I had decided first off that I need to fix my broken picker. I have been staying away from dating websites and basically just living life. I figured if I meet someone great, if not then fine single life it is. I made a list of the attributes I want in my next partner, and hopefully somewhere this man exists.

This all sounds great right? Well, it is harder than I thought. I live in a small town of less than 1000 people. I try to be active, I am on the volunteer fire dept and have a satisfying job that I have been at long term. Evenings are long and lonely though and all I seem to do is go on evening walks and watch TV. There isn't much to do here and the few friends I have here are usually busy with their families. I feel so alone and at times think about how easy it would be to go on POF (where I met married ex-bf) and just meet someone. But the prospect of a long distance relationship scares me. Been there, done that and have been burned.

I guess I am just not done my healing and still feeling sad. It pisses me off that xh was able to jump into his relationship and ride off into the sunset happily ever after while I still spend my Saturday nights alone trying to put my broken pieces back together. Anyone else feel this way? How do you cope?

[This message edited by burnedcanuckEMS at 9:41 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

meaniemouse posted 9/14/2013 20:39 PM

I feel this way. And I've been at this way, way longer. Like you, I figured I would just live my life and if someone appeared--great, if not, I'd learn to live life alone, but hopefully not lonely. But I'm starting to think it's not just my picker that's broken, it's me. And I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've done everything you're "supposed" to do and nothing seems to change. I don't like feeling old, boring and useless, but I do. It's like my window of opportunity for having a full and happy life is closing. And it makes me sad.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice or words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that someone is listening and can relate.

traildad posted 9/14/2013 21:19 PM

Canuck -

This is your chance to really get to know yourself. I was in your exact situation six to nine months ago. I went online dating for a bit, looking to quell the loneliness. It was a failure, I met a nice person but wasn't ready.

So I looked inward. I focused on my own thoughts, watching how I felt about life, and learned to love being with myself. Once you reach a point where you really feel completely comfortable and happy sitting at home, alone you won't need anything else to make you happy. You will know that no matter what happens in your life you will always have yourself to fall back on.

You, sitting alone in an empty room, at peace, and happy. That is all you need. This frees you to go back out and fearlessly go after your life's ambitions, with or without a partner.

If you move your life in a direction that brings you peace and happiness, the right partner will likely come along at the right time. You won't have to worry about your picker, you will know if that person meshes with the life you are living, with or without them. Live for you, look inward.

FaithFool posted 9/14/2013 21:51 PM

This exactly ^^^. Not everyone manages to grasp this and it's so sad because it's very true.

The great thing about it is that when you arrive at that place, it reminds me of a mantra my brother told me years ago:

Wherever you go, there you are.

Insanely simple, and so very soothing. Not relying on anyone else for my happiness is the best lesson I've taken away from this mess.

(((canuck and meanie)))

SoHappyNow posted 9/15/2013 11:43 AM

traildad has nailed it! I learned the art of being VERY good company with me, myself and I from October 2004 until now because illness got me medically evacuated to the USA from overseas. I had to live alone in our home in the country, for a total of of 3 years.

When my late husband was dying, I was not looking for love. Right after he died, I was not looking for love. But love found me, anyway. Maybe it finds you when you don't "need it", because you already are loved - by yourself, and by the Universe/God - and you know you're well loved already?

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