I guess it is really a no brainer. Being married to a SA is such a complex issue. And the nature of the beast is that they have these intense relationships, the "highs" of the new love, and have them often, then move to the next one. The thrill of the chase the novelty is part of the addiction.
Our relationship was just like that. Short, intense and very romantic. Married after a short time, he seemed to quickly lose interest and I spent the next years trying to win him back.
New book Intimacy After Infidelity talks a bit about different types of love. NEED love, the kind where I love you because I need what you can give me, or BEING love in that I love you for the person you are. I think I was a NEED love for him, and the novelty wore off. So he went off looking for the perfect lover, and again and again and again and again. And god knows I'll never be perfect.
It also talks about 3 different types of affairs, one of loneliness, of fear, of anger. There is no question in my mind that he was angry at me. Angry and resentment for whatever it was, probably just because I had the audacity to accept his offer of marriage and stand up next to him, recite my vows and then expect him to be loving and faithful.
I know there are extenuating circumstances. I know BP disease and SA are reasons but not excuses. But damn it. It never stops hurting. Even after 4 years in reconciliation...and I still dont know, even though he is doing all the right things, if he is here out of love, or out of guilt and obligation.
And I will never know. Will I ?
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:57 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]