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I guess it is really a no brainer. Being married to a SA is such a complex issue. And the nature of the beast is that they have these intense relationships, the "highs" of the new love, and have them often, then move to the next one. The thrill of the chase the novelty is part of the addiction.
Our relationship was just like that. Short, intense and very romantic. Married after a short time, he seemed to quickly lose interest and I spent the next years trying to win him back.

New book Intimacy After Infidelity talks a bit about different types of love. NEED love, the kind where I love you because I need what you can give me, or BEING love in that I love you for the person you are. I think I was a NEED love for him, and the novelty wore off. So he went off looking for the perfect lover, and again and again and again and again. And god knows I'll never be perfect.

It also talks about 3 different types of affairs, one of loneliness, of fear, of anger. There is no question in my mind that he was angry at me. Angry and resentment for whatever it was, probably just because I had the audacity to accept his offer of marriage and stand up next to him, recite my vows and then expect him to be loving and faithful.

I know there are extenuating circumstances. I know BP disease and SA are reasons but not excuses. But damn it. It never stops hurting. Even after 4 years in reconciliation...and I still dont know, even though he is doing all the right things, if he is here out of love, or out of guilt and obligation.

And I will never know. Will I ?

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:57 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Awww, shoot, I ain't got nothing, scaredyKat.

Just wanted you to know that I am here, I hear you and I understand. You are lovable. Please remember it isn't you.

(((scaredyKat)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:14 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

feeling you today...

ScaredyKat, I thought that book was excellent. It clarified many things for me, and showed me that what I thought was a conflict-free relationship was actually toxic, since we were both off-the-charts conflict avoiders. (Still are, but I am less so than I was.)

It also showed me that FWH and OW had a Need Love relationship. Need, need, need. OW was especially explicit about her neediness in her e-mails.

What I haven't figured out is which category his A falls into--it's either loneliness or anger. And while I know that my love for him is Being Love, I question what his love was (is?) for me.

I wonder because he initially did not want to get married, but I informed him that middle-aged Episcopalian ladies are not concubine material! So we married. I'll never stop wondering if he harbors resentment over that.

Don't you just hate questioning their love?

[Edited to correct iPad misspellings.]

[This message edited by SadFlower at 9:01 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

(((scaredyKat)))

I feel your pain. I relate to much of what you post and, too, question where my wife is at.

The thrill of the chase and the teenage like high of my wifes affair...many affairs...is not a part of a long lasting relationship. Can a WS recover from the high it provided them? I dont know. A part of me still wants to feel what my wife felt....how long it has been since I had that "high" of new, forbidden love. BUT, that is simply a fantasy statement....I have never been one to long for my high school days. In addition, I see the damage...the depression within my wife, the family that is put at risk of chasing this fantasy, the total questioning of oneself, the luck of NOT getting a STD....and I weigh that against the MAYBE 40 hours of sexual gratification that came from her affair.

And that is why that is a "must keep as a fantasy" feeling....giving it nothing but a passing moments thought.

I will order the book you speak of. Intimacy issues here as well.

I will say a specific prayer for you today.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:11 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

You said it exactly. SA and BP disorder are such complex issues. "Complex Infidelity" so to speak. It's not JUST infidelity we have to deal with but such different facets on top of it. It's just so hard to wrap our brains around.

We know it's not an excuse, yet still, so difficult to understand.

For example, I asked my husband last night, if the sex wasn't good, the blow jobs weren't great, why did you keep going back? He said, to feed his addiction. *sigh* how can I rebut that? He has explained his thought process to me, his compulsive line of thinking. I can see it, I don't understand it, but I can see it. Yet it offers NO solace at all.

For us, my husband started his affair behaviors out of fear. Fear of abandonment (loss/death) by me due to my severe health issues.

I have the same thoughts too. Love, guilt, obligation? Does HE fear being alone so he stays with me? And I don't think it will ever stop hurting either.

(((((Scaredy))))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. We had a discussion about this after COSA this week. Quite a few spouses seem to feel this way, and it seems compounded when the SA is an SLA. Much less BP too!

You have had a lot to deal with, so just know that you are loveable!!!! Whatever he feels is about his brokenness.