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This isn't what I wanted! (pity party)

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sweetcrusader posted 9/14/2013 21:45 PM

I'm having a serious pity party tonight. I'm tired, stressed, and PMSed. Perfect recipe for feeling sorry for myself...

STBX and I sill be finalizing our D in about 3 weeks. Honestly, I can't wait. I want to be free of the marriage, and I have no desire to be with him anymore. That said, I am really having a tough time tonight letting go of the plans we had for the future. After DD was born (about a year ago), I quit my job so I could be a SAHM. It was wonderful; I had my two kiddos, who I planned to homeschool, my chickens and garden, and plenty of time to explore my interests and nurture my little ones. Then D Day happened, and my future imploded. It's gone.

I'm now back to work FT, though making 30% less (though I'm hoping to get my old position back in a few months, but there are no guarantees). The kids have to stay with a sitter. We're still sharing the house (though on STBX's days with the kids, I go stay with my mom, and on my days, he stays with friends), though I'll be taking possession of it once the D is final. STBX just lost his job through making (yet another) stupid decision, so he might not even have a place of his own to take the kids to. And I'm worried about messing up the kids because STBX wants equal overnights. I've been living between my house and my mom's, switching every few days, and it's hell. How can I do that to my kids??

Thankfully, STBX and I are on as good of terms as I think we could be, and we're communicating well about the kids. He has some major faults, but he is a good daddy. I know something will work out, somehow. But tonight, I'm just so sad that he robbed me and our kids of the future I'd dreamed of. I can't even seem to plan a new future right now; it's like my life just dead-ends. Logically, I know it doesn't. I know I'll feel better tomorrow and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll MAKE something good happen.

But tonight... Tonight I'm miserable.

PurpleRose posted 9/15/2013 00:14 AM

Sorry you are miserable. Been there, done that. For me, getting the D final was truly the start- very liberating- and helped me jump start this new chapter.

I am sure things will get better. Hang in there, many of us have been in your place. :)

PhantomLimb posted 9/15/2013 13:06 PM

(((hugs)))

It's so hard. All of that time and effort and you think it's finally paying off and you're just starting to live the life you've worked so hard for and then-- boom.

None of us should have to go through this.

I'm going through something similar this weekend. I wish I had words of wisdom. I guess the only thing I can offer is to say be kind to yourself. :)

sweetcrusader posted 9/16/2013 22:52 PM

Thanks guys. This IS hard, but I've been doing better since today. I wrote this morning about all the things I want to get back to doing once I'm back in my house full-time, and it was really helpful to remind myself of everything I'm interested in. It also helped to see that, aside from STBX no longer living in the same house, my life would change very little. Huh. Amazing to realize how little we really shared...

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