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need to know if anyone else lives like this

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naive and stupid posted 9/15/2013 00:15 AM

About 5 years ago, through some email snooping, I discovered my wh had been having an EA with colleague. This led to further investigation where I uncovered evidence of massage parlors, escorts and craigs list prostitutes. Tens of thousands dollars was gone, I couldn’t eat or sleep, I cried almost every single day for over a year. I didn’t do a great job of holding things together for my son’s sake and he suffered from this, he is 18 now, our relationship has never been the same.
After months of gaslighting..(he never admits to anything) trying to trust again and him relapsing time and again we finally separated. The separation lasted for about a year with him living in a small apartment in our neighborhood while I stayed in the house with our son. Eventually he moved back in. He seem to learn the errors of his ways and I started to forgive.
We’ve had some rough patches during these last few years of reconciling. My father became very ill and passed away but wh was very supportive to me during this time. WH got caught drinking and driving and lost his license for 3months..later the charges were dropped but this cost about 8 thousand dollars in the end and any respect my son had for his dad was lost as well.
We also had some good times over the last few years, we had the chance to take one of our first trips together and had a wonderful time. A few months ago he was hired for a great new job that pays great and he really seems to enjoy it.
I thought we were getting past all of the hurt and the lies. I was finally starting to trust …but then it happened again!! A missing few hours of time when he couldn’t be reached in an emergency…a weak explanation led to me checking pockets to find a blister package for Cialis with one missing. Asked to use his laptop that night…he said he rushed out of work and left it on his desk at work..checked his car when he fell was in the trunk… he obviously didn’t have time clear the history…he was googling a massage parlor just minutes from where he picks my son up from work. Checked over the bank actives online…even though his car is always on empty, every day there are debit transactions for over 50 dollars at the petrol stations..Instead of taking it all out as cash this time I guess he’s going to pilfer the money through gas transactions and small cash withdraws
I confronted him…he has shitty explanations for all of it. I feel like I’m right back to five years ago but this time he is more cocky..he knows I don’t make enough money to go out on my own and he is right. He says I bring this all on myself by snooping. Told me to just deal with it.
Is there anyone out there just putting up with this because you feel like you have no other choice?? I have no self-respect…feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

joeboo posted 9/15/2013 00:23 AM

Told me to just deal with it.
Not sure really what to say to that. I don't think I would have good advice for you but wishing you find your peace.

tryingmybest2011 posted 9/15/2013 00:26 AM

he knows I don’t make enough money to go out on my own and he is right.

In the case of divorce, I know in my province (Ontario) the spouse with the larger income will need to make an equalization payment if the assets are split and the amount is uneven between the two parties. Possible spousal support payments as well.

Have you talked to a lawyer to see what you're entitled to?

[This message edited by tryingmybest2011 at 12:30 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

newlysingle posted 9/15/2013 00:31 AM

Yes, please see an attorney and learn about what a divorce would look like. I'm in the U.S., but I was a SAHM when my STBX left me for OW. Guess what, I'm still a SAHM. I was able to get 5 years of spousal. I'm going to go back to school during this time.

This man is abusive and you deserve better. Your lifestyle might change without him, but I promise you can make it. Being free if my cheating ex has been wonderful. I'm re-discovering who I am. Don't let this man rob one more minute of your life.

naive and stupid posted 9/15/2013 00:49 AM

Thank you for the advice.

We did have a generous separation agreement last time..I've held on to it but Im guessing that these things are "void" when the spouse moves back in.

He was generous the last time because our son was younger and living with me and he seemed to harbour some guilt over the whole thing. But my son is 18 now and will be going away to school in the spring.

I think the fact that I let him back in the family home the last time has set some sort of president. I think he thinks he can just do what ever he wants. I'm 47 I'm scared to start over again. Chances are I'm going to spend the rest of my life broke and alone...he really has me over a barrel!!!

Is anyone out there living like this??? Just looking the other way to maintain the status quo???? Am I the only one!!!!

gonnabe2016 posted 9/15/2013 00:54 AM

Have you checked with a L to find out what your possible outcome might be if you were to divorce him?

He says I bring this all on myself by snooping. Told me to just deal with it.

IMO, this is a 'divorce-worthy' statement all on its own.

Your guy's attitude has made me feel quite *stabby.* I would totally run with that whole *deal with it* attitude that you're getting.....
No clean clothes WH? with it.
No clean dishes WH? with it.
I'm not fawning over your real-world exploits WH? with it.
I'll be home 4 hours later than I said I would which means that you will have to bathe and bedtime DS? with it.

Go and talk to a L in order to see what you would be entitled to if you were to divorce your WH.

naive and stupid posted 9/15/2013 01:14 AM

thank you gonnabe..he's actually been making me feel a little "push him of a cliffy"

Ive been making myself busy after work everyday..letting him eat leftovers..letting the household chores and groceries slide. I think he's feeling neglected but I'm afraid he'll seek out these sluts all more for attention.
He really is an asshole and my must seem pathetic holding on.
I just have this fantasy of growing old together with in this house and neighborhood that I love.

Josephine01 posted 9/15/2013 01:38 AM

I just have this fantasy of growing old together with in this house and neighborhood that I love.

This is the main thing that I struggled with when deciding to or not to try it on my own. Hell, I still do. I get it. But, there was a quote from Robert Williams on FB not to long ago that said something like this.

I used to thing growing old alone would be the worst thing, but now I know the worst thing is being with those who make you feel like you are alone.

That is not exactly what it said but close enough. Point is you will not be happy if you just put up with this. This is not your real fantasy.

I know you probably love your home, your old life. But, people here have given you good advice. See a L. you don't need this. (((NAS))))

By the way you are not naive and stupid.

naive and stupid posted 9/15/2013 02:22 AM

Thanks Josephine. I read your profile you have been through a lot as deserve better.

Titanium posted 9/15/2013 03:44 AM

NAS, we have very similar stories.

I am 48 and i never really set strong boundaries and let him get away with so much deceit etc etc etc......

He so emotionally abusive to me and then started physical abuse because i was pushing him for the truth and in his words "need to get over it"

I like you had so much hope and thought things would change as i had always thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. We have 1 DS also 18 who also now does not want anything to do with his father after what he has put me through and done to me, to us both.

I too was full of fear. Fear of being alone and how was i going to manage financially. My son has autism.

Found condoms. Money being spent on god knows what, cialis prescription disappeared out of the cabinet.........My WH is so fucked up i just couldnt do it anymore.

He sucked me dry emotionally and i knew deep in my heart 2 things....

After 24 years of marriage, no remorse, false R and his super inflated ego, that i could not change him.

I was doing my bit but he was not.....

The 2 things are, i could NEVER trust him again and NEVER forgive him.

His lies went so deep. Dark dirty secrets and i didnt want to live like that anymore......the detective work, the bullshit, all the continuing more.

I kicked him out. Packed up his shit in garbage bags and put it in the driveway. It was incredibly hard but i was going to go insane and deserved to be treated with respect.

He is dancing on your nose, like i allowed mine too. YOU DESERVE PEACE RESPECT AND HAPPINESS.

You will not be alone. I sold the house and 1 week after i booted his filthy arse out he looked up the pond scum sucking whore and is hanging out with her cause thats all he's got.

I am nearly 3 months separated. My son and i moved 3 weeks ago. House settles in 2 more weeks. He doesnt know that we have moved and wont ever know where we r. Each day gets so much better. I borrowed the money from family and get government financial support.

But you know what.....even if we eat toast for a while i have a roof over our heads, my sanity and my lovely little rented house is mine. Full of good energy. My time is mine to do as i please. I have NC. My wounds r healing faster this way. He did text me a month after he left. Wanted to talk. I was strong and didnt respond.

They just suck u back in with their manipulating lies......they get very good at it as the time rolls on.

I cook and clean happily for me and my son not a fucktard who only cares about him self his ego and his penis....
Boot him from your will not regret will be ok in fact u will be will slowly become wonderful again.

What i laugh about now is how ridiculous they sound when they tell u if u didnt snoop you wouldnt find these things........they do whatbthey want when they want. Your WH wont stop.....he has issues, serious issues.
Let them become someone elses problem, you r too special to be treated this way.

Take back your CAN do it, he thinks you cant and wont. You r in your gorgeous 40's. Dont get to your 50' or 60's. There is a gorgeous man just waiting for you and your son will support you through this. You r not alone.

Shock the pants if him and have the last laugh.

((((Huge hugs to you))))))

[This message edited by Titanium at 4:02 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Ostrich80 posted 9/15/2013 04:48 AM

To answer your final question, yes. DD 4 yrs ago, DD2 20.months ago, and he's still in daily contact with ow.Cant confirm cl or dating sites hook ups, but web history proves he's visited them on several occasions. I don't have a job and we are putting a kid thru college so $$ is tight.. So yea guess I'm putting up with it but not permanently. I'm working on getting out but may take awhile to put my departure in motion. If your asking how to deal when your stuck, DETACH. I live my life for myself and he's not a priority. I still have a couple kids at home but they are almost grown and don't require as much of me as they used to. I started A gym, I'm trying to get healthy, and I'm trying to figure out who I am cuz I seem to have misplaced myself. It is possible especially if you don't have a volatile R. We used to, but he's calmed down and I try my best not to let his slumming ways define myself. Basically he's self destructing and I'll be damned if he's taking me down with him .
Your ws cockiness could be cured by not giving a f**k. He's taunting you. Put yourself first and FUCK THAT GUY!!! (not literally) its interesting when you stop giving them your energy and attention, they can't figure it out lol.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:54 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

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