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I lashed out at my husband (not physically) *warning language*

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Kelany posted 9/15/2013 08:15 AM

I'm posting here in general instead of R because there is AP name calling, but we are in R.

We are 2 years from DDay1, a year from DDay2.

I triggered for a few reasons this week, but the biggest was from MC on Tuesday when my husband said he didn't remember a conversation we'd had in August about something quite important. Where I had opened up about something very difficult, was quite vulnerable. He'd done this before, didn't remember me opening up about my CSA in therapy (our therapist remembered). It's not like your average conversation, these are IMPORTANT things. And for him to have no memory of it, hurt me, deeply. I even had a text conversation where he acknowledged the conversation later that night I showed him to jog his memory. Nope. So I was crushed.

So I've been triggery all week, feeling unimportant, blah blah blah. Friday night we'd been out with friends, I had way too much wine, got home, we argued.

Yesterday he had to work, and well, I unleashed on him via text. Not my finest moment at all. I don't like doing that, I don't want to compartmentalize my hurt or anger, but I don't like just lashing out either. We don't communicate like that anymore and have made GREAT strides in communication. I was just SO hurt.

So yeah, I used a catch phrase I've read here even. One of my texts read:

You destroyed me for pathetic whores who spread their legs for anyone. Pathetic women who spread their legs in a tiny dirty office who had no morals. Got down on their knees and sucked your dick on a filthy floor. You f*cked whores. Any you were willing to throw me away for those filthy dirty whores. Yet you criticized ME. I was faithful. I washed the clothes you wore while you f*cked them. I sucked your dick after you had it inside AP#2's disgusting gaping cum dumpster p***y. I got infections from her vile nasty c**t.

You killed my heart. I'm broken because of you. You destroyed me. You repeatedly chose to betray me. What did I do to deserve it? You should have just left me instead. But you lied to my face every single day. Blamed me for your anger.

There was a lot more, but that one was the worst. I think I sent him something like 23 texts. He didn't reply to any, which I knew he wouldn't. He took 4 days off last week and I knew he would be very busy at work. I didn't expect a reply, I didn't want a reply.

The last text I sent, it was a few hours after the onslaught. I apologized.

When he got home, he was really quiet. I apologized to him again. He said I didn't have anything to apologize for because everything I'd said was true, with exception of a few things.

I said okay, what things?

He said #1 You are not a failure (meaning me). You didn't fail, I did.

Okay, I know this in my head. But in my heart, he had 4 affair partners! It's hard not to think what was I lacking. But I do know it was about him, not me. It's just hard to wrap my head around it, though I know I never will be able to.

#2, he does not admire them. I said, but you told me you did, that you admired their work ethic, that they were good mothers, etc. He said he was very wrong about that. He sees it clearly now and everything he thought he "admired" was false. They could never measure up to me.

#3 he does not, did not, and could not prefer them to me sexually. He is not lying to me about that. I said, but one (AP#2) was tighter than I am (yeah, I'm the idiot who asked that). And he said yeah okay, but I almost always had to finish myself off, I couldn't finish just through sex with her.

He said that it was okay that I unleashed on him, he wasn't angry about it. He deserved it. I told him I felt very bad about it, and he said why? Everything I said about him and them was true. I told him it wasn't beneficial to our recovery. He said it was okay for me to get it out because he knows once I do, then I'm able to continue to move forward again. That I need to get the anger out sometimes and he wasn't going to get defensive and he wasn't going to argue with me.

Now, had he started arguing back with me, I'm sure I would have continued in my anger filled bubble. But he totally comforted me by all of that. The anger is gone completely this morning. Hell it was last night. Then we had amazing make up sex.

He's changed so much and I guess this guy is here to stay. I was just so surprised at my lashing out because I just don't do that. He did apologize for not remembering the important conversation, he felt awful about that. I told him why it hurt me and he understood completely.

I never thought an SI catch phrase of cum dumpster would enter my vocabulary. Though he did say he had no issues with me using it, LOL

missyb32641 posted 9/15/2013 08:32 AM

I am sorry you were hurt but his response made my morning.

We really need an applause incon.

Lionne posted 9/15/2013 18:26 PM

Oh, SB. hugs to you. This whole thing sucks, but I'm glad you were able to weather it. You know what? Sometimes you just have to let it out...

PhantomLimb posted 9/15/2013 18:29 PM

Man, I wish I had the opportunity to unleash like that... but I also wish my WS had admitted he was wrong about his OW the way yours has.

Kelany posted 9/15/2013 19:18 PM

He has really become a model remorseful husband and continues to prove it over and over. In doing so, its allowed me to fall apart like this and he picks me up.

It took a long time for him to get to this point, but he is proving its worth sticking with him.

standingonmarble posted 9/15/2013 19:28 PM

What's his reason for forgetting the conversation? Do you think he is still compartmentalizing somewhat? Or is it something else he can explain? Does he know that it important for him to remember stuff like this, I mean he could have avoided a ton of grief if his memory worked better.

Kelany posted 9/15/2013 19:36 PM

I do think its part of his compartmentmentalization. Its a painful subject, ergo he detaches from it.

It *is* something he is working on and he does understand its hurtful. It is being addressed in therapy too. He doeznt have add or adhd, he has a higher iq (yes he's been tested), its a coping mechanism.

We process things so completely differently. I tend to think things to death, he detaches and is conflict avoidant. But him not running away from me, shutting down like he used to is huge progress and so far is sustaining it.

OnAnIsland posted 9/16/2013 01:29 AM

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Revisiting all that hurt and anger is terrible, and it becomes so hard to focus on what is happening today in your relationship. But his response showed you just how far away that man and those days are. You both have done a lot of work. I remember your 2nd day, and i remember your WHs earlier behavior, coping responses.

There is still work to do of course. And it had to be very hurtful to have him banish from his mind things which were important to you. Sometimes you do just have to let it out.

Appreciate how far you have both come in your individual journeys and your M. Keep on working.

Kelany posted 9/16/2013 06:53 AM

OAI, you're so right, his behavior from before to now has changed dramatically. His response was absolutely amazing. When he got home from work last night I thanked him for how he responded. Because honestly? He couldn't have handled it more perfectly.

I have few triggers now, I try NOT to sink into those negative thoughts, but sometimes I do have to let it out. Though, I'm sure there could have been a more productive way, like journaling or something. I'm not going to dwell on this, and I am going to be grateful for where we are now. His actions show me how much he wants this marriage.

PhantomLimb posted 9/16/2013 07:14 AM

I'm totally jealous!

Kelany posted 9/16/2013 07:55 AM

I know Phantom, I've been keeping up with your journey, including the latest developments in D/S forum. I'm so sorry for what you've gone though. (((HUGS)))

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/16/2013 08:14 AM

This man is truly remorseful for what he has done to you, keep up the good work, if you need to vent, its best to vent. I always find that when I need to vent - I let it all out, and my H is always there for me, always remorseful and like you, I always feel so much better after it ... its part of healing I guess - keep it up

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