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Hi everyone - bit of an update

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BaxtersBFF posted 9/15/2013 09:07 AM

I haven't been participating much on SI for the past month or so. The times when I have come here, reading a whole post is difficult. Holding my concentration through an entire thread was next to impossible.

Anyway, some events happened, both sad and some more like milestones, and things just came to a head finally. I got to the point where I felt helpless. Work wasn't getting done. Drinking was increasing a bit. Communication seemed to be nil. I finally googled the symptoms for depression. Nailed just about every item on the lists.

The following morning I told gerrygirl that I thought I should go in and get checked out. So, I'm on AD's now. The last time I was on AD's was during my EA, and I hated it. Gerrygirl has brought up depression with me over the past few years and I've been resistant to doing anything about it with AD's based on that first experience a few years ago.

It's only been a few days, so it's probably way to soon to tell, but I'm hoping things mellow out inside my head and that I can find my center. I don't know if it is the pills or just my mindset at "letting go" of this issue, or rather my resistance to AD's, but I've been more productive, and I've been having fun the past few days. I don't feel as worried about the things I'm not doing. I don't feel like I'm running away as much.

So, that's the story. Thought I would share with my SI family. It's hard to admit that there are still problems after all this time, but I think this is just an example of the whole thing being a process rather than there actually being a finish line.

Thanks for letting me share.

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 09:37 AM


I'm glad you talked to Gerrygirl about it and that you are getting help and taking care of you.

It's definitely a process, that's for sure!

You have our support, as always. Lean on us when you need to.

BaxtersBFF posted 9/15/2013 09:56 AM

Thanks AN.

RemorsefulWH posted 9/15/2013 10:16 AM

Good luck Baxter, you're always a great support to so many on here and I'm sure you will work through this.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/15/2013 10:23 AM

I just read this this morning.
"Most of us have found that we gain the most serenity by letting go of any expectations we may have about how our recovery is progressing."

I know for me that I am at my weakest when I think "I should be stronger than this"

I think it is fantastic that you opened yourself up for help.

Wishing you the best!!!

BaxtersBFF posted 9/15/2013 10:35 AM

Thanks guys.

Those quotes are right on.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/15/2013 10:52 AM

Baxter - it is always good to hear from you. Your self-awareness does you credit.

heartache101 posted 9/15/2013 11:14 AM

Glad you went to see doc.
What I have learned is the older I get the more I tend to let things bother me. Not so much affair related just life stuff.
Hope thd AD kicks the depression.
If not you know to see an IC.

Spelling tablet is haunted

[This message edited by heartache101 at 11:14 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

tired girl posted 9/15/2013 11:21 AM

I have fought this off and on as well. Mostly situational. I fought it three years ago, glad I started them, just went off and feeling great.

This experience doesn't have to be like the last one. You are in a different place in your journey. Glad to see you took the step you needed.

uncertainone posted 9/15/2013 11:36 AM

You saw a problem and you're working through it...together.

Wishing you both peace.

BaxtersBFF posted 9/15/2013 12:53 PM

Thanks ladies.

Yes, it isn't even stuff about the A anymore, just all the other stuff. But because of the A, the patterns and habits of old are discovered and that they need to be changed. Then you realize how far reaching and ingrained they have been in your life.

And yes, because of the work we've done, we can deal with this together.

Jrazz posted 9/15/2013 14:00 PM

Hey Baxter!

I'm so glad you're checking in, and I'm really proud of you for taking a step towards looking into what feels like depression. In life there's never really a true absence of hard times, just different ways of dealing with them and how they affect us. AD's aren't for everyone, but I really believe that with a vigilant doctor's care, and Gerrygirl being so involved and supportive of this, you can find something that helps you out. Remember, it doesn't have to be forever, and you are always within your rights to ask for a change in dosage/medication/approach anytime you feel the need.

We're here for your whole family. You have a fleet of people rooting for you and hoping that you get some relief from the clouds soon.

Sending big hugs and good thoughts to you, GG, and the minis.

LosferWords posted 9/15/2013 15:35 PM

Hey Bax!

Good to hear from you. I think your decision to go with AD's is a healthy and courageous one. Turns out a lot of guys in our general age range are silently battling depression. It's a very common thing, but it's just not talked about very often.

I was on AD's for about a 15 months or so, and they did wonders for me. Please note that I was so very reluctant to go on them. What also helped was a lot of therapy (CBT, in my case). One of the reading assignments from my therapy that dealt directly with depression is a book called "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. I'd highly recommend this book to anyone living with depression. The AD's were able to show me how it "feels" to not be depressed, and the CBT therapy/reading gave me the tools to get back to that place after tapering off of the meds.

Anyway, it's great to hear from you. I admire your determination and fight. I'm glad to hear that you (and your family) are seeing some positive effects from the AD's already.

Please know that we're here for you anytime you need us.

Take care.

wifehad5 posted 9/16/2013 04:37 AM

MovingUpward posted 9/16/2013 09:18 AM

Sending you positive thoughts.

badchoice posted 9/16/2013 13:48 PM

good luck Baxter, thanks for sharing

JanaGreen posted 9/16/2013 13:54 PM

Good to hear from you, I hope the meds help! I resisted going on them too during a very bad time, but when I finally gave in, they helped a lot. I hope your experience is nothing but positive.

Darkness Falls posted 9/16/2013 16:28 PM

Thanks for sharing your experience, and I hope you'll benefit from the ADs.

Deeply Scared posted 9/20/2013 06:36 AM

Hi Baxter!

I'm so glad you posted and shared this with us.

You always have been such an important member here and this was a big hurdle to work through, but you and Gerrygirl did it together...that's wonderful

You are greatly missed!

Silentthoughts posted 9/21/2013 09:02 AM

I've been on and off different ADs for many years and overall they really help. Like others have already mentioned, you may have to try different dosages or change ADs to find the right fit. And don't forget a dose, it makes you kinda dizzy and fuzzy in the I used to keep extra pills stashed in my purse and at work in case I forgot a dose or forgot to refill my prescription.

Good luck!

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