SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

careerlady posted 9/15/2013 11:01 AM

So badly. Now it looks like we're heading for divorce at 35 just when we should have been working on #2. I'm terrified to just have one child in the world and wanted him to have a sibling (not just OC). But R is a farce right now. Anyone been in my shoes?

newlysingle posted 9/15/2013 11:23 AM

I'm so sorry. My STBX started his A right after the birth of our second child. Remember that you are still young enough to have another child. The sooner you cut this guy loose, the sooner you can heal and find real love. Imagine having a baby with a man that truly loves and cherishes you. I will not have anymore children and often feel sad that I didn't get to have children with a wonderful person. Instead my children have a selfish, spineless turd for a father.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/15/2013 11:52 AM

my WH started his affairs right as my clock was pretty much run out and I was pressuring for child #1.

I'm still childless and probably always will be.

careerlady posted 9/15/2013 12:48 PM

Omg I'm so sorry heartbroken kk! People can be so cruel!

tesla posted 9/15/2013 12:59 PM

I have been in your shoes. The plan was to get pregnant with kiddo #2 about the time he knocked up his stripper whore. I was crushed. Felt like something had been ripped out of me.

I am 35 and have come to terms that Teslet is my only. I know I am young enough to still have a child yet I feel that future is lost. I've found a different life where I coach young ladies in a sport i love...I guess it helps give me an outlet for my mothering instinct.

But I will always carry the emptiness and find myself wondering what my second child would have been like if events in my life had unfolded differently.

Fooled Me Twice posted 9/15/2013 13:03 PM

Yup, me too! You and I are close in age and my dd isn't quite yet 3 years old. I always wanted to have 2.

Considering he started cheating when she was about 6 months old, it leaves me petrified to even consider having a child with someone else. I'm closing in on 35 and have yet to go on a date, so it doesn't leave me hopeful for any more.

PhantomLimb posted 9/15/2013 14:14 PM

Cherish the child that you have. I'm 33 and we were just starting to talk about it when I found out he was having the A. We waited because we wanted to finish school and make sure we had established careers first. I thought I would have been pregnant by the holidays. Instead, I have to start over and seriously doubt that I'll have any now. Of course OW already has a child and WS is stepping right in as a surrogate daddy.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:14 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Heal&Deal posted 9/15/2013 14:19 PM

Same here. One of the saddest things was the knowledge that DS, 6 mos old at DDay, would likely be an only child. On the other hand there have been many, many times that I have been thankful that I did not have more babies to care for and pay for. Life would have been more difficult in the beginning months.

Here is the thing. You may still have another baby. Time will tell. You may foster a child. You may adopt a child. You may join big brothers, big sisters and form an irreversible bond with another child. You may marry a man with children that become your own.

There are just so many ways a family is made. It is beyond painful to grieve the loss of the surety of the path we intended to take to build our families, but it is not the only path.

BrokenDaisy posted 9/15/2013 15:07 PM

My passion is children. I built my life with the goal of having many children (feminists must hate me for that statement!) but it's true. I've always knew I wanted to be a mother. My career is child related. The one thing I am good at is working with children. However we struggled to fall pregnant. After many IUI's and 4 IVF's I finally fell pregnant. Dday was in my final trimester. He risked our precious son, the one we went through so much to have. I can't get past that...

I once thought I'd never have a child so I am so eternally grateful for the one I do have but yes I long for a big family so I totally understand where you're coming from even though I am also still young the chances of me falling pregnant is very slim already. Add more years to my life and it becomes basically impossible. However as much as I want more children I do NOT want a father for them like the one my son has. I will never forgive myself for the dad that I chose for him. Children deserve a decent dad!

The WS's take so much from us BS's and the children involved. (((careerlady))

BrokenDaisy posted 9/15/2013 15:24 PM

I want to add from one mother of a young son to another. Don't stay with this man (I read your profile!) single parenting isn't half as scary or difficult as one fears it is (it really isn't!) and your child is better off without such a dad. I stuck around too long and risked my son more than I ever realised and I will never forgive myself. I should've left on day 1! Protect yourself and your son. Your husband is not good for you. He is a serial liar and cheater and that is not healthy for you or your son. You have given him enough chances. I'm not saying this to be judgemental. I'm saying it because I wish someone said it to me. You hear a lot of the "staying for kids" thing but honestly with Serial WS's it is not healthy or good for children to be exposed to them daily! Good luck. I know this is excrutiatingly painful and you've already had so many ddays. My heart feels for you!

Nature_Girl posted 9/15/2013 15:46 PM

I wanted to have another child. I definitely won't be having any more biological children. That factory isn't working so great anymore, it may be that production has shut down.

One of the reasons I would be open to a relationship is that I'd love to have more children, albeit they'd be someone else's.

It hurts to have your hopes & dreams for your own life AND YOUR OWN BODY stolen from you due to someone else's selfishness and disorder.

ETA: Hey Broken Daisy, feminists would not have an issue with you knowing what you want (lots of kids) and having the opportunity to go for it. That's what feminism is about, creating a world where a person's life isn't limited by their gender.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 3:48 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 9/15/2013 17:23 PM

((careerlady)) and everyone else. Of all the things we feel robbed of this one would burn the most.

You never know what is going to happen but it sucks that this might happen.

I've met a really nice guy friend who has a child and doesn't want any more but he really wants to meet someone with another single child so that his son can have a sibling. I was surprised when he first said it but I think I understand it now.

BrokenDaisy posted 9/15/2013 17:33 PM

Oh I know nature girl it was a bad joke and based on my own insecurities for not being more career driven/business woman. I was often put down for "only being a housewife/mom". I know it's nothing to be ashamed off but I was ridiculed into feeling ashamed of it. I don't anymore.

Very well stated. Thank you!

kecampbe posted 9/15/2013 17:50 PM

I'm right there with you. I'm almost 33 with a 3 year old. I was planning to have baby #2 this year but found out about affair #2 and couldn't bring another child into the chaos that has been my life. There was a small part of me that wanted to go ahead and have #2 so that my daughter would have a sibling and my kids would be by the same father but I'm so glad that I didn't. My life would be more complicated and I have an opportunity to focus on her and me. Maybe a new love will come into my life in time to have more babies, maybe not....:)

PhantomLimb posted 9/15/2013 17:58 PM

... as a feminist who teaches women's studies at times, being a SAHM or choosing to have a family is just as valid and important and being a career person. One of the reasons is that business/careers of all kinds are still skewed in favor of men. All of them. Unless you have a truly enlightened boss, the fact that you are a woman who needs time off to have babies and care for them and still do your job is not taken into consideration. We are still forced to choose one or the other (career/family) a great deal of the time.

So no judgment whatsoever. In fact, I envy you.

Kierst13 posted 9/15/2013 18:38 PM

I'm at the age where if I want another child (and I do) I need to make that happen.

I'm leaning towards divorce and if that is the path I take I will pursue donor sperm and IUI as soon as the divorce is final. I won't let him rob me of another child.

sparkysable posted 9/16/2013 05:11 AM

We had adopted our newborn daughter a few months before D-day. I definitely wanted more kids.

Right now, I'm happy with just her, and I'm happy my daughter was so young at D-day that she didn't understand what was going on.

Maybe someday I'll have more, maybe I won't. Right now my focus is on her and giving her a good life, even if it ends up just being the 2 of us.

Thefly559 posted 9/16/2013 05:47 AM

We spoke about a big family , we spoke about 4 / 5 kids or whatever our success can afford! I always wanted kids since I was a kid. But after # 2 she stopped and made me use condoms for 7 years. I finally begged her enough to have another with a bribe. I bought her a new Mercedes. Guess you know how this ends! I caught her at 2am in a hotel with her boyfriend of years! In my new Benz! So although I have two amazing children , I feel robbed of my dreams and at one time our dreams. She is 37 now. And she is having condomless sex with her new boyfriend I know because I found birth control pills that she was on while I was using a condom. Yes that pain it great! Needless to say I am 5 months into divorce with nasty custody battle. I sympathize with you as far as being robbed but you are still young enough to have another child , just heal yourself first. All the best.

BrokenDaisy posted 9/16/2013 06:08 AM

Thank you for saying that phantomlimb. I am still working on seeing my own value. Stbx did a number on my self worth and often made me feel worthless especially focusing on me "just" being a housewife (and making me feel like I was a failure at that too) and that insecurity still seeps through sometimes I'm sorry if I insulted anyone with my comment. I completely agree with what you said and it is sad that things are still so skewed towards men. Woman should have the same opportunities as men. Society in general puts higher expectations on women than men Even with infidelity, so many people blame me for not "being a good enough wife" instead of blaming him for overstepping and having no boundaries or moral fibre. (Luckily not everyone but many do). They believe I must've caused the affairs and the worse his actions turn out to be the worse they think of ME and not him! The mind boggles! It is heartbreaking that women are seen as less than by some and that so many are so quick to show us our shortcomings. We are expected to do it all and do it perfectly but men are often given the benefit of the doubt.

I'm ranting. Sorry for the t/j careerlady!

Maybe someday I'll have more, maybe I won't. Right now my focus is on her and giving her a good life, even if it ends up just being the 2 of us.

That's my outlook too now. Even though I would've loved to have more children I am eternally grateful for the one awesome one I do have and he truly is a joy for me every day. My sole focus is to carve out a good life for him and I.

I'm leaning towards divorce and if that is the path I take I will pursue donor sperm and IUI as soon as the divorce is final. I won't let him rob me of another child

Good for you! I can honestly say I don't ever want to get married again and my focus is definitely not on dating or finding a man to have children with. If I have more children I will also have them by myself.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 6:12 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 9/16/2013 07:10 AM

(((hugs)))

Of course!

And there is no such things as "just" a SAHM! My bestfriend is a SAHM and she works MUCH harder than I do because HER JOB NEVER STOPS!!!!

I met my WS when we were in grad school and we were both "top of the class" and ended up having sort of a competitive relationship to obtain grants, prestige, status. Once we were M, we talked about being a team, but he continued to push me down the path of status/prestige because I made good connections and showed promise. He went into an allied field that was more lucrative monetarily. He kept telling me I had to think of "the long game" and that we had to make sacrifices now in order to end up where we wanted to career-wise. No time for me to have a child if I'm building that career for the two of us.

As I mentioned, one of the most painful things about his A and our S/D is that OW has a small child. He goes to the petting zoo with her. Takes her to the park. If he wants a child, he has the financial means and can always just play daddy to this child or find a younger woman to start a family with.

And now I'm stuck in this career like a gerbil in a wheel. I think about getting off all of the time, but I don't know what else I would do. In the meantime, I work 80-100 hours a week and have no time to even find a new partner, never mind have a child.

So hold your baby tight. Keep faith that you'll find love again and maybe there will be another child in your future.

For my part, I try to take those mothering instincts and focus them on others in need in my daily life...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:11 AM, September 16th (Monday)]