I was in triage mode since DDay #2 until about August. Throughout those months I maintained NC and tried to get my life back together. I did everything "right"-- moved out and in with family who could help me through this, new job, new clothes, started new hobbies, opened up to friends, went into IC. I created a strong network of support around me and worked on myself to help me get through the agony and pain.
Once I started my new job in August I thought I really was on the road to healing and recovery. I started not thinking about WS very much-- I was way too busy with work! If sadness hit, it was generally while I was driving and I would just let myself be sad and I found that the feelings would pass pretty quickly. This is great, I thought. NC is a miracle and I think I might actually get out of this.
Our anniversary was Thursday. I knew it was going to be a killer for me. I made sure to get away and my friends were at the ready to support me, and they put together a bunch of gifts and a dinner thing. But the day was really tough. I spent most of it crying. My temper was short. At one point I was driving home after my little get-away and had to pull over in a parking lot to cry. I felt myself reliving the Ddays, remembering how happy we used to be and wondering where that all went. The line that just kept going through my head was: look at all of these people who love and care for me... and the one person who promised to forever isn't here.
I broke NC and called him and he didn't pick up. Left a neutral message about just wanting to mark the day by saying that I don't understand how he could cause this much hurt and continue to do so, but that I wish him well. Closed by saying I wanted to continue with NC but that I wouldn't feel right if I didn't reach out just for today.
A few hours later, as I've discussed in my other post, a coworker (I've never spoken to or met) called and basically asked me to confirm that he had been having an A. She told me all of the revisionist history WS had been spreading around the office and, evidently, none of them were buying it. Moreover, OW had taken her vacation days for this week/end and WS wasn't answering texts-- so they suspected the two of them were off somewhere together.
I confirmed he had the A and hung up. This woman has texted and called again since, but I haven't responded.
I'm finding myself back in an emotional space I haven't been in since right after Dday. I feel stronger and like I'll bounce back more quickly this time-- but I'm having all of those old thoughts about why didn't he cherish what we had? How could he really be gone? Worried about what kind of mess he's getting himself into out there that this other woman is now calling me. Sad to hear that he's still with OW.
I asked my family to tell the L to file for me (I've had everything ready, but the anniversary was my private target date). I'm NCing this new woman who is calling. So I'm still doing everything "right" (except for the broken NC with WS, obviously). I'm back on the horse.
And why am I surprised by any of this? Not only is he gone... it sounds like he might even be cheating on OW by now (if this woman who called is a potential OW herself)! Not only is he unremorseful and not coming back-- he won't even take my call on our anniversary. On our anniversary I even got a letter that he's just stopped paying for our insurance. I had tried to sever it earlier in the summer, but it needed joint approval, so I just let it sit until a date in July I had set for us to break NC in order to try to resolve some of our other financial issues. He skipped that date in July and took himself off of the phone plan without a word instead. If I'm looking at his actions, he is gone, gone, gone. Not only is he gone, he waits to make moves that are heart-stabbers.
My brain knows I'm much better off. I've gone back over the M and the red flags that show me he doesn't deal with things that are hard and probably had a PD all along. I hear from this coworker and I'm just grateful I'm not a part of whatever is going on out there and I'm so glad I found out about the A before I uprooted by whole life to join him there permanently and take that job with him. I think back to how verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive he was during the Ddays and it was such a 180 from how gentle and mild-mannered he had been throughout our M that I know I'm much better off away from such a wild card. Who knows what he'd be capable of now.
But I'm clearly still not over it. My heart is still in a different place. The anniversary just broke me open. I miss what we had and what I thought our future would be. I can't accept that he has become or was or is this guy. I still feel connected to him. I can't even picture being happy with someone else the way I was happy before Dday. And I hate this lonely feeling that I'm getting these days. My friends are filling in the gaps, but it's not the same as having that partner who is ready to pursue your interests with you and thinks everything you do is great. And I miss by business partner. My new job is challenging and sort of fun-- but I miss having him in my corner (we were in the same field) and sharing in my challenges and successes.
I guess I'm disappointed in myself for not being further along in my healing. He's so mean to me and so cold... why can't I get the hint? And it's not like I want this creepy dude back. I just want a time machine to get back the guy I loved so much before all of this happened. Even during Dday that's all I kept thinking: I wish I could just go back to any moment in the past 10 years when we were together and happy and just hold him one last time without the knowledge that he was going to become this monster. Because I really, truly loved that man with all of my heart.