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New love, old Sh*t- help!

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Sorceress posted 9/15/2013 16:24 PM

Some people here might remember me. In a nutshell, my ex cheated on me for years with a very close friend, was awful to me when I found out, practically raped me one night, then he got arrested for sex with a 13 year old and I guess I had some kind of emotional freeze out- I couldn't understand how or why I had never known and he used a lot of emotional blackmail (I will kill myself/I will take the children/I will leave you homeless) to keep me close. Anyway, he went to prison as he should have- and that son of a bitch will never see MY children again for a long as I live if I can help it!

Fast forward to the present. I am in love. With a really great guy. He loves me and he loves the children and treats them as if they were his own. He had a volatile relationship before he was with me (but so did I!) and he freely admits to being something of a player in his teenage years and early twenties. Admittedly, he says they were not serious relationships- just two to three week flings here and there but rarely exclusive. I mention this only to show that he has been very open about the kid he once was- he's not given me any reason to mistrust him. We've been together officially for bout six months but we were taking it slow for three before that.

Anyway, as much as I trust this man, I feel like I shouldn't be able to trust my own instincts- because of what happened before with the ex. If that makes sense. I trust him but I feel like I can't trust my ability to make that judgement and feel safe with it. Of course, knowing that this man was a player as a teenager is not as concerning as it would be if he were that way as an adult. But it doesn't help me that my gut instincts are still a little bruised, and I'm guarding them a little just in case. Which doesn't feel fair- to hold back a bit of me because of the ex. He may well be doing the same because of the nature of his last relationship! I don't know!

Our relationship is happy and laid back and I really feel we've got a future together- but dare I?? Dare I really allow myself to believe in the possibility of a happily ever after? Can I ever afford to drop the guard completely? What do you guys think?

SI Staff posted 9/15/2013 20:47 PM


traildad posted 9/15/2013 20:53 PM

Allowing yourself to trust again is the only way to really open up and feel love again. It goes hand in hand. If you have your guard up, that puts a wall between you and your SO.

I think the real question is how strong do you feel? No matter how much you trust someone, they can still hurt you. You need to look inward and consider how you you would feel if he hurt you. Could you handle it? Would it be tough, but survivable? Or would it be devastating to your world?

This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you, and your own strength. Can you let your guard down and love and trust, knowing you will be ok if you get hurt? If not, then you should look inward before putting your guard down and work on yourself. Hope this helps.

traicionada posted 9/15/2013 22:07 PM

You past experience was very traumatic, did you seek professional help to cope? Your inability to trust might be rooted on the fact that you haven't deal with all the madness yet

Kajem posted 9/16/2013 00:19 AM

Has he earned your trust? For me trust needs to be earned. Blindly trusting someone has only caused me pain. I won't hand someone my heart and trust them not to break it. I can't.

I don't trust naively anymore. I will hold a piece of my heart back until time and actions matching words have earned my complete trust. Only then will I be able to give my whole heart.

It's gonna take time , I'm worth it.

Sorceress posted 9/16/2013 01:12 AM

He's given me plenty of reason to trust him. He's deployed with the RAF at the moment, and he skypes me every day, gets to the phone as often as he can, emails me, sends letters, sends gifts- to me and the children, always talks to me about things that upset me with just as much consideration as he does any conversation. When we were just taking things slow, getting to know and like one another, before we actually said we were exclusive, he left his phone at my house and he didn't freak out or get frantic about it, and I didn't feel the need to check it. Since he's been deployed he's needed to sort out various insurances before he comes home and he's given me email passwords, bank account details, even his Facebook details- so I don't think he's hiding anything from me. I love him. I really do. And so do my children, which is a big thing. But even though he has given me no reason not to trust him, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared that my children will get hurt.

Skan posted 9/16/2013 21:56 PM

Well, if you weren't scared and worried, then you would be unrealistic.

So, what would make YOU feel better? Do you need to hire a PI to dig up his background? Do you need more time? Do you need to attend pre-marital counseling with him and maybe with your children? What do YOU need?

Sorceress posted 9/18/2013 22:23 PM

I think I might just be worried because it's 2 years since dday today and whilst I am with a different man, I think my subconscious is spitefully reminding me of how quickly you can be shown that what you thought was real was in fact a lie. Since we've officially become a couple I have no reason to believe he has been or would be untrue to me, but I am worried that this trust will get my heart broken- and in the grand scheme of things, we only just fixed it. In reality he could be feeling the same as I do; fearful that I might break his heart, although he tells me he doesn't worry that I would do that and be unfaithful to him like some
of his past partners have. I suppose I am just looking for someone to tell me it won't be like the last relationship when in reality nobody could ever know that for sure.

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