SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Pass posted 9/15/2013 16:54 PM

It's been a while since I've done an angry post, so I guess it was about time for her to piss me off again:

I want to spend as much time as possible with my two boys. The Princess often asks to drop them off early, or pick them up late, and doesn't tell me why. Of course I don't want to know. I always say yes, because I appreciate the extra time.

She emailed me the other day to ask if she could pick them up late the next two Sundays. Since this has been a regular pattern, I decided that we had set precedent for me to be her Yes Man.

And that ain't going to happen.

So I said that yes, I can accommodate, but would she be able to pick them up an hour early this week? She said she would, and didn't ask why. I didn't want to play games; I just wanted to establish that there will be times that she can return the favour.

So, 15 minutes before the arranged time, she texts me. She is at a Walmart 35 minutes away, and the lineup was HUGE, and she was SO SORRY. She has never apologized in her life, so that's how I knew it was bullshit.

She asked if 13 had a key to lock up my place. There is NO WAY she will be in here without me! I said I would try to be here.

So she arrived 45 minutes late, and asked if she could drop me off somewhere. Once again, not trying to play games, but just said, "That would be awkward", kissed my kids bye, and left her out in the hall.

So once - fucking ONCE I ask for her to make a time allowance for me, and this is what happens. I'm glad it was just a practice!

Amazonia posted 9/15/2013 16:57 PM

The phrase, "I'm sorry, but that won't work for me." is your new best friend. Use it often.

You can be nice and flexible once clear boundaries are established and she starts treating you as an equal rather than a doormat.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/15/2013 17:07 PM

She is just so precious pass. I really admire your ability to be sane around her.

Learn the power of "no" (Ama's phrase is a good one to use). As a former doormat "No" was not previously in my vocabulary with X, it is now and it rocks!

Kajem posted 9/15/2013 17:35 PM

I like Ama's reply-minus the apology. You don't have to apologize -you've done nothing wrong.

My XH would make my kids late for my funeral IF he could. Kid pickup was at a halfway point an hour from my house. He wouldn't leave till it was 15 minutes before the pickup time. I got to the point I wouldn't leave till the kids called and said they were on their way. And I would meet my kids with snacks because they (of course) were rushing and didn't have a chance to get dinner!

After awhile the kids caught on and started telling him the needed to be at kid pickup an hour before the actual time. It was the only time he was on time !

Pass posted 9/16/2013 14:38 PM

Y'all are right. Time to start saying no. This doormat has had enough feet wiped on it. I won't make any more false demands - that just feels too much like something she would do - but I'm done being so accommodating.

This Friday, she is taking them to the county fair, and is actually keeping them a little later to do it (look at Mother of the Year, actually spending time with her kids!). She has said that she will text me as they're leaving, so that I'll know they're on their way.

Um ... NO. I'm supposed to sit around all night waiting for her text? I don't fucking think so. Crafting a text asking for the specific time, so that I'm not just waiting like an eager doormat.

Of course, she'll probably find a way to make the kids, me, or both suffer for my impertinence!

[This message edited by pass at 2:39 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

EvenKeel posted 9/16/2013 15:13 PM

Crafting a text asking for the specific time, so that I'm not just waiting like an eager doormat.

Why don't you craft it in a way so your are not asking for a time and giving her that power? IE "I have plans and will be home at 8:00....you can drop them off then or after"

I remember that first year...so many precedents are set. Unfortunately my ex never got it and still thinks everything revolves around his life.

Good news is your kids are not little. That is how it was in my case too. Ex would be scheduled for drop-off at 6:00pm and I would get a call on my cell at 1:00pm saying "Mom...where are you?" He would just drop them off any time and never call to make sure I was home.

Made me furious those first few years because I had to scramble to get there because he just left them there alone. Now they are a few years older so they are able to be home alone until I can get back home.

Point is (there really is one - )....you may find you will never be able to get her to conform to the set schedule. They seem to think their lives are more important than ours for some reason.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 3:14 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

soveryweary posted 9/16/2013 16:25 PM

Pass, I think you are doing fantastic!

Pass posted 9/16/2013 16:47 PM

Thanks, soveryweary. Every once in a while I believe people when they tell me that - but never for long, of course!

EvenKeel, that's exactly what I did, and was feeling very strong. Then guess what ... I got a phone call from The Princess. When I found out it was her, I asked, "Is everyone okay?", as I always do.

She had on her best voice of disapproval, and said, "I need to talk to you about something."

Of course, this started my heart pounding, and a sick feeling, because that's what she usually says when I'm "in shit" for something. All she wanted to talk about was a questionnaire that was sent home from 10's school, that she could have filled out without my input.

So, my punishment for getting uppity was to feel like a naughty child for a moment, before discovering that wasn't what she wanted to talk about. I absolutely HATE how she can still make me feel like that!