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Newest Member: NeedSomeAdvice (45762)

User Topic: Rebuilding trust while separated??
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and I have been S since May. My lease is almost up and I am not willing to move back into the house. He really wants me to do this.
I have actually already filed for D. He has broken NC many times, the last time 2 weeks ago. He sent her an NC letter AFTER that. I haven't verified that he's been NC since then, because right now I am concentrating on myself.
He wants R, and I still have slight hope for it, but I refuse to move back home until I trust that he is 100% NC for a reasonable period of time.
He says if I am home he will be NC, well, that is not how it works, sorry.
I asked him to provide me with proof of NC and he says he's blocked her # and he is no longer on FB. He talked about getting apps for his iphone so I can see all he does on it, but he says he can't find one.
I'm looking for a new place to live and he's very upset that I won't just come home instead. When he asked why I won't just come home and commit to him I told him it's because I don't trust him. Period.
He says that the only way to rebuild trust is by me being home. I say I can't be home until I trust him.
We have 3 sons who have had their lives totally upended by all of this back and forth. I refuse to move home, then him break NC and then I will have to move out again. I will not do that to my kids.
Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice?
I am saying I am NOT open to R until I know he's been NC for a reasonable period of time. So far he has not even been able to go 2 weeks!
Like I said, I have already filed, so the burden is on him.
Suggestions?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Yes, except that he was the one that left the home...not me. Same dynamic, different application.

I refuse to move home, then him break NC and then I will have to move out again. I will not do that to my kids.

Considering that he just broke NC 2 weeks ago, this is a *stellar* decision on your part.

The easiest way for me to explain is to tell you a bit of backstory: Stbx and I had been living separately. We decided to try R. He moved back in. We sat the kids down and *he* was making a big deal out of how everything was going to be fine. BUT he still had an OW in his back pocket that I didn't know about. FF 3 months. The OW is revealed to me and he is shortly thereafter kindly asked to leave.....after I filed for D. FF another couple of months, and I (stupidly) agreed to suspend the divorce in order to allow him time to *prove* that he was loyal to me. The proviso was that he wasn't going to be moving back home UNTIL he proved himself, though. He was a repeat offender and there was NO WAY in hell that I was going to allow him to jerk my kids around again. My oldest son, when told of the suspension, went on a diatribe about how I better not let him move back home (he said for 2 years!) because *the drama* was fucking (my word, not DS's) with my youngest kid. I assured him that I was of the same mindset as him. And I thank God every day that I DIDN'T allow us to *play* family again and that I stuck to my conviction because my stbx continued to carry on with his cheating behaviors......

He says that the only way to rebuild trust is by me being home. I say I can't be home until I trust him.

I'm kinda on the fence about this.....but I'm leaning more (way more) towards your position. One of the main reasons is that if you think about a relationship...you don't say "hey you're hot and nice and I think we'd be great together, so let's move in together and see what happens." You first get to *know* each other....while living separately.

You asked for advice, so here's mine. Honestly...run and don't look back. He has broken NC with OW repeatedly, which is such a bad sign..... He is trying to control/manipulate the situation, which is also a bad sign. Your instincts are leading you in the right direction.

This isn't a jump into divorce or jump into reconcile situation. This is a situation that calls for a 'recovery' period. And during this 'recovery' period, you are *looking* for signs of which direction you should take. He has made it clear by breaking NC and telling you that he'll be NC *if* you are home....that he is a totally unsafe partner.

IMO, he is not showing you enough. He is not giving you enough. He's acting all *helpless* and as if the *problem* is that you aren't in the home (even though you have scads of evidence that indicate that isn't the case).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, your response helped me so much.

This isn't a jump into divorce or jump into reconcile situation. This is a situation that calls for a 'recovery' period. And during this 'recovery' period, you are *looking* for signs of which direction you should take. He has made it clear by breaking NC and telling you that he'll be NC *if* you are home....that he is a totally unsafe partner.

THIS is exactly what I needed to hear right now. That's what I have been trying to say and couldn't. He keeps saying that I am not giving him what he needs right now (affection and time with him, we are still talking and I see him about an hour a week), so he is getting frustrated and wonders why he's even trying.
I am like "dude. it has been 2 fucking weeks since you talked to her."
He says it was different when he saw her last time, because a) he was drunk (yeah, that's an excuse) and b) he says he didn't see her to do anything with her or get back with her.
I talked to HER about this and she said he told her he still wanted to be with her and they would be married etc. He says he doesn't remember any of that.
So whatever. No matter what, he had no reason to contact her during those 3 weeks because he and I were spending time together- this invalidates his whole "if you were here I know I wouldn't have seen her" bullshit. I told him, we were together all the time those 3 weeks (oh, AND while you were having the affair earlier!) and it didn't stop you from seeing her. What difference would it be me being in the house??
There's no difference. Either he's loyal and committed or not.
I told him 2 weeks of NC is no where near enough for me to want to move back in and that I gave him 5 months of space to figure out what he wanted and he's impatient after 2 weeks. He's expecting way too much.
I get what he is saying that it's hard to rebuild while separated, but I think you're right-this isn't rebuilding yet, it's recovery. I told him the very FIRST step is trusting him. Then I can think about if that's enough to stall the divorce. With zero trust there is zero marriage.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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