"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
Has anyone been in a similar position?
Yes, except that he was the one that left the home...not me. Same dynamic, different application.
I refuse to move home, then him break NC and then I will have to move out again. I will not do that to my kids.
Considering that he just broke NC 2 weeks ago, this is a *stellar* decision on your part.
The easiest way for me to explain is to tell you a bit of backstory: Stbx and I had been living separately. We decided to try R. He moved back in. We sat the kids down and *he* was making a big deal out of how everything was going to be fine. BUT he still had an OW in his back pocket that I didn't know about. FF 3 months. The OW is revealed to me and he is shortly thereafter kindly asked to leave.....after I filed for D. FF another couple of months, and I (stupidly) agreed to suspend the divorce in order to allow him time to *prove* that he was loyal to me. The proviso was that he wasn't going to be moving back home UNTIL he proved himself, though. He was a repeat offender and there was NO WAY in hell that I was going to allow him to jerk my kids around again. My oldest son, when told of the suspension, went on a diatribe about how I better not let him move back home (he said for 2 years!) because *the drama* was fucking (my word, not DS's) with my youngest kid. I assured him that I was of the same mindset as him. And I thank God every day that I DIDN'T allow us to *play* family again and that I stuck to my conviction because my stbx continued to carry on with his cheating behaviors......
He says that the only way to rebuild trust is by me being home. I say I can't be home until I trust him.
I'm kinda on the fence about this.....but I'm leaning more (way more) towards your position. One of the main reasons is that if you think about a relationship...you don't say "hey you're hot and nice and I think we'd be great together, so let's move in together and see what happens." You first get to *know* each other....while living separately.
You asked for advice, so here's mine. Honestly...run and don't look back. He has broken NC with OW repeatedly, which is such a bad sign..... He is trying to control/manipulate the situation, which is also a bad sign. Your instincts are leading you in the right direction.
This isn't a jump into divorce or jump into reconcile situation. This is a situation that calls for a 'recovery' period. And during this 'recovery' period, you are *looking* for signs of which direction you should take. He has made it clear by breaking NC and telling you that he'll be NC *if* you are home....that he is a totally unsafe partner.
IMO, he is not showing you enough. He is not giving you enough. He's acting all *helpless* and as if the *problem* is that you aren't in the home (even though you have scads of evidence that indicate that isn't the case).
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.