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Still trying to end the TTs

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1DumbHusband posted 9/15/2013 20:15 PM

After learning I'm basically a narcicist and have some serious amount of work (on top of the issues with my A) to overcome...I have learned that being a narcicist compounds my TT tendencies. Last night we had one of our worst nights ever, and it was due to something along the lines of a TT. I want to be done with these and have voluntarily offered more info to my suffering BS today. I just can't keep being this person. Today I was depressed and feeling pretty worthless most of the day. As a couple, CCW and I had an okay day. We talked about yesterday and I offered up new information in the hopes the TTs will stop. CCW was worried because I wasn't eating today and just looked overall sad. I told her I was processing our day yesterday and having a trigger filled day of my own. We talked about it and we were otherwise in a good place. I just feel horrible every time my mind remembers something and I know telling CCW will crush her even more. She deserves to know, it's just hard to man up and do it for fear of how much it will hurt her even more. I will hopefully start my IC this week and begin working harder on fixing me, I just want CCWs pain to stop or give her a reprieve from it for a little while. I guess I just want to vent tonight. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm working on getting there!!!

authenticnow posted 9/15/2013 20:21 PM

1DH, wait to talk to your IC before you self diagnose. Also, TTing is not a 'tendency', it's a deliberate choice to withhold the truth from our BS.

Listen, I sat on SI for over a year and read all about TT all that time and didn't tell my BH everything until over a year later. I knew how wrong and destructive it was, and I did it anyway. So, now you're 'that guy'. Is there any more? Please tell ccw everything, anything else out there? TELL HER.

Then go to IC, hear what is sad, stop talking about how beautiful your wife is and how much you love her and how messed up you are.

Start with the basics and get busy. Enough with the talk, time for action. Stop saying what you think she wants to hear. Be real and honest and do the work.

TheClimb posted 9/15/2013 20:32 PM

It is better to tell all now and let her deal with the pain, once, than spaced out over months. If you are telling her "now you know everything " and you are holding back you are destroying her ability to believe you. We so want to believe, and then we find out about another lie.

While I do believe you don't want your wife hurt anymore, the truth of the matter is that you are covering your ass. If you did it, it is time to own it.

Aubrie posted 9/15/2013 20:46 PM

I just want CCWs pain to stop
Then put the knife down. Quit stabbing her with it.

it's just hard to man up and do it for fear of how much it will hurt her even more
If you can't man up, you can hang up the relationship. We cheated. Can it really get any worse than that? You may as well give the deets. Its not like we have anything left to loose.

Don't be so quick to blame your TT on a possible Narcissistic self-diagnosis. A qualified IC needs to be the one to diagnose that.

Look, it's one thing to not be able to remember every word spoken to our AP. It's another thing to "forget" that you had sex with your AP on your wife's birthday. (just an example) kwim?

1DumbHusband posted 9/15/2013 20:50 PM

Thanks guys! Yes I am "that guy" and I really don't want to be him anymore. I know it's self preservation that keeps the TTs in. I'm fighting that instinct/tendency (which has been built up over the years since childhood apparently) to keep doing it. My issue is that there are details I don't know all the information to sometimes. Some of them I do and I've lied by omission. I've gotten out the ones I know of, but can't get all of them out at once. I know the best thing is to get them all out so there's no new info to process down the line, but I still can't recall every website I ever visited or signed up for over the years. I don't remember all the usernames I used. That's what I'm currently working on. I've promised CCW a timeline and a listing of websites and usernames I can think of while reserving the right to ad more if I remember more. I just hope that I can get out as much as possible through IC.

badchoice posted 9/15/2013 23:19 PM

Don't be so quick to blame your TT on a possible Narcissistic self-diagnosis.

^^^ This

Just because someone has narcissistic tendencies, it does not mean that you are NPD. Plus there is an entire spectrum on the diagnosis of any 'disorder'

Don't look at an online quiz or list of symptoms, talk to your IC.

eta; hit post too soon.

[This message edited by badchoice at 11:24 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Kelany posted 9/16/2013 06:39 AM

BS here.

My WS went through the assessment process, so we know a lot about it. We were referred by our therapist to a psychologist for the assessment. We had an intake interview, then he did the testing, then we had a final appointment.

We were initially referred for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. What we came out with was a laundry list but it really cleared a lot up for us. My husband was diagnosed with:

Mood disorder (not high enough for bipolar just yet but it is progressive)
Moderate PTSD due to time in combat
Personality disorder with 90% narcissistic traits and 90% obsessive compulsive traits.

The one area that my husband did not score high on for narcissism is that he has very poor self esteem, but all other area's he hit. Guess that's why he only hit 90%.

In any case, he gave us a plan of treatment to go over with our therapist and he's continued IC since.

Guess what though? That intake appointment? My husband was lying. We had a MASSIVE DDay 6 months after his assessment was complete. I mean EPIC DDay where he was fired for sexual harassment, 3 more AP's came out of the woodwork due to his lying. I won't even call it TT, it was outright lying. And I knew all along he had been lying, but I just didn't know what about and certainly had no idea to what degree.

Lying, regardless by omission, outright, whatever...kills. There is a saying that often it isn't the affair that ends the marriage, but the lies afterwards.

Your wife is giving you such a golden opportunity here. Your lying isn't about sparing her, it's completely about covering your own ass. Giving her the truth in little doses is eating away at her.

You CAN remember if you choose to. Sit down, start writing that timeline, don't put it off. Dig deep. Be the husband she deserves and stop hurting her with the lies. You made the choice to cheat on her, you make the choice to lie to her. If you can't remember something in the moment, don't say "there isn't any more" just say, can I have a day to think about this and give you the truth tomorrow?

Do NOT blame it on a "self" diagnosis off an internet search. First, there is a lot that goes into an assessment. Second, blaming NPD is an excuse. Just because my husband has narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't MAKE him lie. It's not the REASON he lied. He lied because he didn't want to get caught, period.

Herkemeyer posted 9/16/2013 15:28 PM

Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."

3xloser posted 9/16/2013 15:37 PM

Quick and to the point. If you are sincere about R, stick to your idea of providing a timeline and answer any questions about it as completely as possible. It will be brutal but that's how it has to be. My TT caused serious harm to R. Trust the advice of those who have already been there. Lying is about protecting yourself. You owe it to your BS to be straight. If you can't be honest in your M, it won't be worth saving. Courage and good luck.

thecosmogirl posted 9/16/2013 19:46 PM

I wish my WH would read this. He is holding so much back. Well, maybe not so much but stuff that is imperative I know. And I DO KNOW! But he dodges and ducks, gets defensive or looks at me and says "You know I love you, right?"
Yes dumbass but you are still evading.
It's too bad. I've had an epiphany of sorts very recently. It has opened my eyes yet made me very, very sad at the same time.
If only he would actually come clean for real, I believe this will work and we will be ok....but, that is not happening. It makes me so sad

1DumbHusband posted 9/16/2013 19:59 PM

Everyone here is right and I need to be a man and stop hiding behind the lies. I really want to move past everything. I told CCW I would write a NC letter to a woman I had an EA with back in 2011. I will also be writing one for the prostitute I slept with explaining how horrible I feel my actions were. I'm also working on a timeline for CCW and hope to get everything out that may not have come out already. I truly feel I'm writing my own death sentence, but then again, I did that back in 2011! I guess I've felt the lies will let me hold onto the family and the life I had for just a little bit longer. I know it's a terrible thing to put my beautiful BS through but I have to stop her torture. Thank you everyone for my mental head slap. I will be working on coming completely clean and wish everyone well in their attempts!

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