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RavenWood posted 9/15/2013 20:29 PM

I learned of the 9 month PA in May. WW rewrote history and said she didn't love me and wanted a divorce, and that of course it's somehow my fault. We agreed to a 3 month separation. End of the 3 months are up and she has filed for divorce. I've disconnected from her quite a bit, but now I am going to lose 50% of the time with my kids, and I am going to lose the gorgeous house we bought a few years ago. I put so much time and energy into my children and into our house. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my children who don't want to move, and who don't want mommy and daddy to be apart. And damn it, it's not fair to me.
I've been a great husband and a great father.
Unlike most people on this board, she hasn't once asked or begged to come back. Instead she is running for the door.
I was crushed when I found out, and was devastated at the thought of losing her, but I've adjusted and believe I can do better now.
But how the fuck am I supposed to handle losing everything?
I can't stand going through it and I don't have the strength to carry the children's pain.
This is an awful lot of shit dumped on me for absolutely no reason. There had better be a rainbow somewhere at the end of this journey. Because I have worked too hard, been too good of a husband and father to deserve any of this.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/15/2013 20:38 PM


I have just spent almost 3 years of staying with someone who wasn't truly wholeheartedly in for a reconciliation, continued to lie and call OW, always getting caught. To this day, I wish I would have thrown him to the curb at the 1st confession.

Just today, a great friend told me, quit beating yourself up about what you cannot change. I am waiting to see the rainbow too, and hoping there's a pot of gold at the end as well.

Keep being the great daddy!

Tripletrouble posted 9/15/2013 20:39 PM

I'm so sorry for you RW. It is terribly unjust to the betrayed spouse. I will be living on a shoestring and eating ramen noodles in retirement because of something I didn't do or cause. My children will carry the scars for life and possibly damage their own children. It's so so unfair.
Are you in IC? If you become overwhelmed you may also need to see your physician.
I wish some peace of heart to you.

traildad posted 9/15/2013 20:46 PM

Bro hugs (((Raven

Coming from someone who has been exactly where you are, trust me when I say it will be ok, in time, you will be ok, you will heal and move on and have a wonderful life. But first you will feel pain and hurt, and it isn't fun, but that is how you know you loved and committed. You did it the right way, and this hurt you feel will make you a better man in the future, far better than you ever were even before the A. Trust me. Let yourself feel this hurt, observe it and learn from it. You won't see it now, but this suffering will lead to opportunities in life you never thought were possible. You are still a great father and a great man.

As for the half time with the kids, I was devastated at first to go through that, to envision my life that way. But I have adjusted to it, and I find that I am an even more present father. I have half my time to take care of chores, visit friends, do things for myself, and be ready for the kids to return. This gives me the chance to truly focus on them when they are here. We have created new traditions, and have a real connection I may not have had if I was with xww all of this time.

There is a rainbow out there for you, trust me. You won't see it now, but it will be there.

mchercheur posted 9/15/2013 20:56 PM


of course it's somehow my fault

Typical WS tactic.

I put so much time and energy into my children and into our house. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my children

No, it's not. I have trouble with that one too.

I can't stand going through it

I know, me too
This is an awful lot of shit dumped on me for absolutely no reason

The reason is that your WW is very broken & selfish.

Do not blame yourself. She could have come to you & tried to work it out first, before it got to this point.

Sending you strength,RavenWood . Try to get primary custody of the kids, because she sounds really mentally unstable.

somanyyears posted 9/15/2013 20:57 PM, you certainly didn't deserve this. deserves to be betrayed.

Who said life was supposed to be fair?

..just keep fighting for your kids and the best life you can make for them and you.

..sorry, but rainbows and unicorns are not always destined to be in our future.. period!

..keep being the great father you have been. for losing everything??
GET the BEST Damned lawyer you can find..and turn the tables.

good luck to you RW..



Thefly559 posted 9/15/2013 21:02 PM

Brother sorry you are here. Read my story under just found out thread. "No remorse at all " you are not alone in that , although most on this site are in reconcile. We will never get that chance or at least I will never get it. That is a whole other level of pain!! I know I am living it for 5 months now. My stbxww did the same as yours . She divorced me , together 18 yrs married 9 , 2 young kids , 2 homes , 2 cars , a successful business together . All gone in a second , my whole life torn apart , at 40 years old I have to temporarily live with my parents which just adds to the pain! She has a boyfriend she also met at work , she threw all away for him , she had an exit affair with not one inch of remorse! At all ! She continues to be in love with him and says she hates me ? Never any history of abuse , any. Fights yes but no abuse. I still try to understand and figure it out but not as often now. If I can tell you what I did maybe it will help. I hit the gym , I boxed , I did yoga, I wrote all my feelings in a journal everyday! And most importantly I read. I read books after books to try to understand what just happened? I was In the most pain of my life. Destroyed as a man , as a human, I would spend weeks not eating , vomiting, in severe physical pain from the emotional pain! Whatever you do. Please do not beg her back , I tell you because I did it . And it is one of the biggest regrets I have . You need to get a great lawyer and go after what is yours , protect your kids and yourself . Forget her , you cannot control her actions any more . She is a different person now . Maybe one day she will be back , but till then you need to focus on healing yourself. That day might never come! I hope it does but for me I don't want it to come! I don't want to have to make that choice. I am glad she chose that now. Because I would have took her back and lived with resentment my whole life. Eventually now I can look at myself in the mirror again with a little pride. I feel your pain brother believe me , you will move past your sadness soon and reach anger. Use it wisely , not foolishly. It can be a great tool to protect you! Buy the book " not just friends " by Shirley glass and read it with a highlighter and mark off all the signs you missed ! All the red flags you overlooked. There had to be signs. We all had them. I was blind and in denial but in my gut I knew! The pain for me will never go away the wound is way too deep but I can guarantee you with time it is much less severe. Read the healing library and do the 180 with no contact. It will help you heal faster. Also whatever you do , do not blame yourself. She made the choice to destroy your family and leave the marraige not you. She will paint a whole different picture of your marraige now. So be careful. And watch who you trust as friends! People will start dividing soon. I wish you all the best and at least now you know you are not alone in the no remorse category. I feel your pain and I am in this boat with you. Keep posting and stay strong and focused and you will win this war you are about to enter.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/15/2013 21:32 PM

I don't have the strength to carry the children's pain.

Yes. You do.
You will do this because you have to.

As to how to handle losing everything? You *accept* that you got fucked and life is unfair. You know that you don't *deserve* this bullshit, but you realize that 'bad things happen to good people' and you deal with it.

You were a great husband and a great father. She didn't appreciate it. Her loss.

You cannot see it right now....but the fact that she has walked away is a bit of a blessing. There is not much worse than having a WS that insists that they want *you*....even though s/he is very clearly still entrenched in the WS mindset. She is forcing you to rip the band-aid off at lightning speed.

You will get through this and you will survive.

tryingagain74 posted 9/15/2013 22:10 PM

I know how you feel. My XWH completely flipped my life upside-down, and it's headed in a direction that I had not planned on. It's incredibly unfair, and it totally sucks... until it isn't, and it doesn't. But you're not there yet.

There isn't anything that you can do to change it because you can't change her. You need to believe that. Only she can make changes to herself, and it sounds like she's not the least bit interested in that.

The blessing in disguise here is that, like others have mentioned, you can take active steps to move forward in your life's new direction instead of spinning your wheels, waiting to gain traction while your WW holds you up in false R.

There's something to be said for an immediate break. I knew I wanted a D within days of DDay, even though XWH wanted to try for R, but his A was a dealbreaker for me. While I know you probably want R, she's not giving you that option.

So, get a pit bull lawyer NOW. Rip the carpet right out from under her feet before she lawyers up and starts dictating the terms. Plus, the earlier you start the process, the more you can take advantage of any guilt your WW might feel about what she's done or warm feelings she might still feel toward you. Trust me, that wears off, and people who wait too long are suddenly confronted with very cold STBXs who go for the jugular when they had once promised to be fair and decent.

I'm sorry that your WW is about to destroy the very thing she should be taking the greatest care of, but the remorseless WS is a being that we BSs can't relate to. We'd never do that to our families, but that's because we have empathy and often put others before ourselves. The remorseless WSs aren't programmed that way.

Take care of yourself.


dindy posted 9/16/2013 02:04 AM


I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.

It is a cliche but time does heal all things, just be gentle with yourself and let your family and friends, and IC, help you.

I'm nearly 8 months out since DDay and although it still hurts so much I am at a place where I can focus on me, and my children so much better.

I remember saying to ex before DDay that if we split up I would have so much more energy because I wouldn't be putting it into him and not getting it back. He was really annoyed by this.

But, it's true.

Now I am no longer with him I don't have to worry about feeling isolated and unsupported by the one person who was supposed to have MY back.

I never get stressed out with my kids anymore and I'm a much better parent to them because of this.

I've still got a long way to go but I remind myself of how far I have come in a short space of time.

It's shit having your whole world turned upside down for someone else's ego rub, but you are the better person, and parent, and you will become an even more amazing person.

It does get easier.

stronger08 posted 9/16/2013 02:23 AM

I'm sorry bro. Your right its not fair. But better to go this route than to have to endure life with a cheating spouse. Better for you and better for the children. It might not seem that way now. But in time it will and its actually good that your kids don't have to be exposed to her infidelity fallout all the time. You can and will rebuild your life. When I was at your stage of the game I felt exactly the way you do. I was hurt, angry and scared. I did not see any future for myself and thought that it was the end for me. But slowly and surely I built another life for myself. I have a good life and my relationship with my son is very good. I think I taught him a valuable lesson that a man should not stand for what my XWW was doing. I hope when he grows up that he never has to endure what I have. But if he does he will know what to do. And I think that in time you will feel the same as I do. I'm not going to lie to you. The first few years are the worst all around. Emotions, finances, friendships etc. will be in disarray. But if you work hard at starting over it gets better everyday. One day your going to wake up and see that what happened was the best thing for you. The rest of your life awaits you now my friend. How you want it to be is entirely up to you.

RavenWood posted 9/16/2013 11:05 AM

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. I needed that to pick me up. It's a rough road ahead.

Edith posted 9/16/2013 11:14 AM

Hey RW,

OM: Married coworker

Does the OM's wife know about the affair? If not, I would definitely clue her in on this. So sorry for your pain.


RavenWood posted 9/16/2013 11:28 AM

Does the OM's wife know about the affair?

Yes, she found out before I did. She didn't know how I would react and didn't tell me. Her WH lied to her, saying it had ended. When I found out, I contacted her - she was devastated. He continues to lie to her saying it's over. For a while I kept pointing out that it was still happening, but he would tell her he is again stopping. I gave up because she appears to have her head buried in the sand and it's not worth the stress for me if she isn't going to react to it. For the time, he seems to have a free pass to keep messing around while she turns a blind eye.

2married2quit posted 9/16/2013 11:43 AM

RavenWood - hugs my friend. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds very similar to my FWW actually. Perhaps her head is still in the fog. Very deep in the fog. Too deep in the fog. Prayers your way.

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