I have just spent almost 3 years of staying with someone who wasn't truly wholeheartedly in for a reconciliation, continued to lie and call OW, always getting caught. To this day, I wish I would have thrown him to the curb at the 1st confession.
Just today, a great friend told me, quit beating yourself up about what you cannot change. I am waiting to see the rainbow too, and hoping there's a pot of gold at the end as well.
Keep being the great daddy!
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
Coming from someone who has been exactly where you are, trust me when I say it will be ok, in time, you will be ok, you will heal and move on and have a wonderful life. But first you will feel pain and hurt, and it isn't fun, but that is how you know you loved and committed. You did it the right way, and this hurt you feel will make you a better man in the future, far better than you ever were even before the A. Trust me. Let yourself feel this hurt, observe it and learn from it. You won't see it now, but this suffering will lead to opportunities in life you never thought were possible. You are still a great father and a great man.
As for the half time with the kids, I was devastated at first to go through that, to envision my life that way. But I have adjusted to it, and I find that I am an even more present father. I have half my time to take care of chores, visit friends, do things for myself, and be ready for the kids to return. This gives me the chance to truly focus on them when they are here. We have created new traditions, and have a real connection I may not have had if I was with xww all of this time.
There is a rainbow out there for you, trust me. You won't see it now, but it will be there.
of course it's somehow my fault
Typical WS tactic.
I put so much time and energy into my children and into our house. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my children
No, it's not. I have trouble with that one too.
I can't stand going through it
This is an awful lot of shit dumped on me for absolutely no reason
The reason is that your WW is very broken & selfish.
Do not blame yourself. She could have come to you & tried to work it out first, before it got to this point.
Sending you strength,RavenWood . Try to get primary custody of the kids, because she sounds really mentally unstable.
..no-one deserves to be betrayed.
Who said life was supposed to be fair?
..just keep fighting for your kids and the best life you can make for them and you.
..sorry, but rainbows and unicorns are not always destined to be in our future.. period!
..keep being the great father you have been.
..as for losing everything??
GET the BEST Damned lawyer you can find..and turn the tables.
good luck to you RW..
I don't have the strength to carry the children's pain.
As to how to handle losing everything? You *accept* that you got fucked and life is unfair. You know that you don't *deserve* this bullshit, but you realize that 'bad things happen to good people' and you deal with it.
You were a great husband and a great father. She didn't appreciate it. Her loss.
You cannot see it right now....but the fact that she has walked away is a bit of a blessing. There is not much worse than having a WS that insists that they want *you*....even though s/he is very clearly still entrenched in the WS mindset. She is forcing you to rip the band-aid off at lightning speed.
You will get through this and you will survive.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
There isn't anything that you can do to change it because you can't change her. You need to believe that. Only she can make changes to herself, and it sounds like she's not the least bit interested in that.
The blessing in disguise here is that, like others have mentioned, you can take active steps to move forward in your life's new direction instead of spinning your wheels, waiting to gain traction while your WW holds you up in false R.
There's something to be said for an immediate break. I knew I wanted a D within days of DDay, even though XWH wanted to try for R, but his A was a dealbreaker for me. While I know you probably want R, she's not giving you that option.
So, get a pit bull lawyer NOW. Rip the carpet right out from under her feet before she lawyers up and starts dictating the terms. Plus, the earlier you start the process, the more you can take advantage of any guilt your WW might feel about what she's done or warm feelings she might still feel toward you. Trust me, that wears off, and people who wait too long are suddenly confronted with very cold STBXs who go for the jugular when they had once promised to be fair and decent.
I'm sorry that your WW is about to destroy the very thing she should be taking the greatest care of, but the remorseless WS is a being that we BSs can't relate to. We'd never do that to our families, but that's because we have empathy and often put others before ourselves. The remorseless WSs aren't programmed that way.
Take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.
It is a cliche but time does heal all things, just be gentle with yourself and let your family and friends, and IC, help you.
I'm nearly 8 months out since DDay and although it still hurts so much I am at a place where I can focus on me, and my children so much better.
I remember saying to ex before DDay that if we split up I would have so much more energy because I wouldn't be putting it into him and not getting it back. He was really annoyed by this.
But, it's true.
Now I am no longer with him I don't have to worry about feeling isolated and unsupported by the one person who was supposed to have MY back.
I never get stressed out with my kids anymore and I'm a much better parent to them because of this.
I've still got a long way to go but I remind myself of how far I have come in a short space of time.
It's shit having your whole world turned upside down for someone else's ego rub, but you are the better person, and parent, and you will become an even more amazing person.
It does get easier.
OM: Married coworker
Does the OM's wife know about the affair? If not, I would definitely clue her in on this. So sorry for your pain.
Does the OM's wife know about the affair?
Yes, she found out before I did. She didn't know how I would react and didn't tell me. Her WH lied to her, saying it had ended. When I found out, I contacted her - she was devastated. He continues to lie to her saying it's over. For a while I kept pointing out that it was still happening, but he would tell her he is again stopping. I gave up because she appears to have her head buried in the sand and it's not worth the stress for me if she isn't going to react to it. For the time, he seems to have a free pass to keep messing around while she turns a blind eye.