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Newest Member: bashfuldame (61460)

User Topic: The Pain is Real
♀ 39634
Member # 39634
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married for 25 years, renewed our vows on 2-2-13 he left 3-23-13 and admitted adultery.

The PAIN is REAL and it is HARD to explain and to deal with.

This came out of no where and hit me like a truck.

I have had a VERY hard time dealing with all of this. I cant wrap my mind around any of it.

People tell me move on and get over it!! WTHECK how do you turn off feelings after 25 years?? He tells me I will learn how!!! I dont think so. I was in this whole heart and soul.

How do I deal with all of this?? I dont know how. We have 3 grown daughters and 2 young granddaughters.

I am no where near ready to even think about forgiveness, I cant stand to be anywhere near him. His parents treat me like the plague.

I have done nothing wrong but love their son with all my heart and soul.

My heart is shattered beyond repair. There are days that are so dark.

I am so full of hate, anger, embarrassment, and shame.

How do you move past the pain and suffering??

Married 2-14-1988
renewed vows 2-2-2013
left me 3-23-2013
Trying to reconcile 11-11-2013
Things going downhill 1-2014
I filed for divorce 4-17-2013
I moved from house 4-26-2013
he moved in with her 5-1-2013
he responded to divorce papers 5-23

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Illinois
♀ 40624
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice for you, but I would like to offer you (((HUGS))) galore!

I can read the grief and anguish in your post - and while I'm not in that phase anymore it was literally the darkest time of my life.

Time and personal growth helped me to begin to heal. That and coming here a few days ago and finally realizing all the excuses that I was making for him and his behavior!

Take care of you. Eat, stay hydrated, sleep.

BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Southwest US (Tucson)
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all that damned four-letter word, time. You have to give yourself time to grieve, to mourn, to ache, to be in pain. You are grieving the death of 25 years together with someone that you thought you would be with for the rest of your life. That is worth mourning. You have to let your body, mind, and soul take the time needed, to say goodbye. Only then, can you start to look forward.

But mourn what could have been, don't sugarcoat and mourn that which was not. Don't build a shrine in your heart for what wasn't. Grieve, and then let yourself look forward. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10034 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a while to get my mind around it also. Please get into counseling asap, it is the only thing that saved me - (and SI).

What has happened to you is emotional abuse. A "normal" person would not have done this to their spouse. A "normal" husband would have tried marriage counseling, then divorced, then healed for at least 6 months, THEN looked for a new person.

I do remember those dark first days, as my H set up a whole "friendship" sort of thing with her H and OW, and me. The H of the OW was tricked, as I was into believing we were all good friends, but the whole deal was a set up so they could be together more. When I figured it out A YEAR LATER, I could feel my brain skip a gear. Literally.

My H family won't talk to me to this day, and the H of the oW STILL does not believe the two of them were together during that time.

What I am trying to say is you have been transplanted into a world of crazy and you do not belong there. Continue to get support from SI because almost every single person on here has felt the betrayal, the confusion, then finally peace as we move on and heal.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4127 | Registered: Jan 2012
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here . No remorse is a whole other pain. I know I am there ! I feel the pain in your words and it brings me back. I am 5 months into d day and divorce with no remorse. The pain eases some as time goes by I can guarantee you that. I didn't believe it either. We were together 18 years. I searched for why and how for a long time , I beat the crap out of myself and still do at times. It is not something I want to do , it is something I have to do ! As do you! Start taking care of you! And no! Do not just get over it ! And stay away from those people! Cut them out of your life ! Take your time , heal at your pace , as you need to ! Everyone takes sides now so do not get offended it happened to a lot of us ! Her father who was my best friend and her cousin who was my best friend for 30 years , hung out with her and her boyfriend while we were still married. !!!!! I still can't believe it . But I HAVE to. I have no choice as you also do not. It took me a long time to realize I cannot control these people so I used my anger to cut them out of my life totally!! No looking back . As they did to me . I feel your pain believe me and I am sorry . But take some comfort in knowing you are not alone we yes we , 40,000+ people are here for you with great advice and sympathy. Good luck on you journey and stay strong. Please

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 5

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