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Phoenix9572 posted 9/15/2013 21:15 PM

We talk a lot here on SI about healing ourselves after the crap we've been dealt in our relationships. As I watch my STBXH start to sail off into the distance with the new love of his life after almost 3 weeks of separation I was starting to wonder about OLD. I know I'm not ready for any romantic entanglements but I really do miss having a companion in my life. I also know that it's way to early to even begin to think about having someone else around. So all these thoughts led me to wonder what does being healed look like after all this? How do you find yourself being a different person and consider yourself healed from the trauma of infidelity and breach of trust from the one you loved the most?

Housefulloflove posted 9/15/2013 21:26 PM

I can't answer your last question because the only thing I know about being healed and moved on from the trauma is that I'm not there yet.

I've definitely had those feelings of REALLY wanting a companion. Not a serious relationship, just a man to talk to, date and make me feel like a desirable person. But as the saying goes..."broken attracts broken". I belief that is entirely true. The only guys I attract right now are messed up liars. I met a guy a few months ago (not online) and all that I've learned so far had helped me identify a lot of red flags. I'm pretty sure he was a pathological liar too. The old me would have stuck around until the lies were proven beyond a doubt but the new me cut it off immediately.

Sorry for rambling but what I'm trying to say is that if you jump into the next relationship too soon it's inviting disaster.

Guys who want to date someone still struggling with their last relationship are usually predators.

traicionada posted 9/15/2013 22:01 PM

Healing looks different but a bit the same. For me, it was figuring out how to be a single grown up (I started dating XH in HS). I have dated a few people since the D but unlike before I won't settled. I finally know what I'm looking for on a life partner

Sad in AZ posted 9/15/2013 23:13 PM

A simple way to look at this is if you're dating because you're lonely, you're dating for the wrong reason.

If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, then you are probably on the right track.

kecampbe posted 9/16/2013 19:52 PM

traicionada - I also have been w my STBXH since HS. I have actually never been with anyone else (I can't say that about him - 4 others that I know of over the course of our 18 year relationship). I know that I don't want to be with him but I'm also so scared when I think about dating and being with someone else. My STBXH has really done a number on me and I don't want to attract someone just like him. What has helped you get through this? My life has been so intertwined with him that all my memories and big moments in life were with him. Looking back, I should have dumped him a long time ago but here we are...5 years of marriage (if u want to call it that) and 1 daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/16/2013 20:24 PM

I hope to feel healed when I no longer picture my future with him in it. If I can look into the future and see myself happy with my kids then I will consider myself healed. I would love to have the love I had with my WH again. But my true test will be to heal without wanting someone else.

I think you have to separate your mistrust for your x and your desire to trust someone else. I struggle with this the most as well. If I couldn't trust my H and my H couldn't love me, who can I trust and who will ever love me. But I would like to think that there are more decent men in the world than crappy selfish pricks.

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