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A couple of weeks since D-day

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notgood22 posted 9/16/2013 05:38 AM

Sorry if this is a little long and rambling but I hoping typing out all the details might help me get my head around it.

A few background details to start, me and my wife have been married for 6 years, she's in her late 20's I'm in my early 30's.

Around January this year my wife and I had a blazing row about our future and the fact that I wanted children and the fact that she had suddenly changed her mind and no longer wanted a family. At the time this came as a huge shock as we'd been discussing baby names and the usual ins and outs for years on and off but had been holding out starting a family until we were more financially sound. The row escalated and horrible things were said on both sides and completely out of character and in frustration I punched a wall breaking one of my knuckles.
After the ashes had settled and we’d both calmed down about a week/two weeks later my wife decided that she would move out temporarily so we could both have some space to think things through and see if there could be a future. So out she moved, she had recently started in a new job a thirty minute train ride away so started renting a small bedsit nearer to her new job. We own a flat together so I stayed in the flat and we both still contributed to the mortgage. Previous to the fight and her moving out she had been making new friends with colleagues and people around her new job so occasionally would stay later after work to go for beers with her new friends which was fine with me. Shortly after the mega fight and when we were still living together I noticed in her internet history completely by accident that she had been sending and receiving a lot of facebook messages with one particular person, I had no idea what the content was but it seemed a bit strange so I asked who he was etc etc and she said that he was just a friend and was someone neutral to talk to who had had similar problems with his SO. Being the trusting idiot I am I thought ok no worries he’s just a guy friend, which isn't unusual for my wife as she doesn't really get on with other women.
Anyway fast-forward a little bit and she’s moved out but is still coming over most evenings so we can try and sort things out and talk but spending the nights at her new place. At this time (and repeatedly over the next few months) I also point blank asked if there was someone else to which she said no. Around this time she also gets invited on a theme park weekend away with her new friends which I wasn't best pleased about but again point blank asked if she was seeing anyone else to which she said no.
During this time I became convinced she was seeing someone else so managed to get hold of her online bank login details to try and spot anything suspicious which I know is wrong but the paranoia was driving me crazy, I couldn't find anything and felt like a complete looser for snooping in her private business.
So a few months later she ‘moved’ back in but still kept her small place in case she needed some space. I thought we were working things out and everything seemed to be going ok apart from on the sex front. She explained that she was just not in the mood etc and not to worry we’d get it back and we’d work at it, maybe if I lost some weight...
Fast forward again to a few weeks ago I was sending my wife an email and noticed through the joys of facebook accounts linking to emails that my wife had a second facebook that I knew nothing about. The Paranoid me came back and (wrongly) slammed through a full financial audit of her account going back months to which I discovered that she hadn't been renting somewhere near her job for months and numerous train tickets on her days off. I also discovered through the joys of password retrieval and facebook one message from her new friend that said something along the lines of ‘night night (insert pet name here) I miss you xxx’. So like any sane person I stormed out of work and confronted her at home to which she replied that yes she had been having an affair since January and that it was over and had been for some time, so what about the train visit on Monday ‘what train visit?’ I present evidence, ‘oh we are just friends’ we had coffee etc.
Lots of tears follow, a bit of shouting mostly just tears. About 4 in the morning curiosity gets the better of me and I nab her E-reader whilst she sleeps and joy of joys Facebook stays logged in. What follows is probably the worst hour or so of my life as I go back through 9 months of facebook messages. To be honest I wish I hadn't looked as it’s all I can think about at the moment. The fact that she had the physical affair isn't as bad as what was in those messages, it was the intimacy that they had going back and forth in the messages, calling each other pet names, talking about what they’d been doing when, where etc, thanks for the pics, can’t wait to see you again, Love you...
I woke up my wife and we had another huge row tons more tears. What I've managed to drag out of the mess is that ‘He’ was under the impression that we were properly separated so she was lying to him too, so as much as I hate him it’s not really his fault also he’s younger, a boxer and considerably fitter (which has does wonders for my self image). Anyway she’s said it’s over with him and has told the other guy to stay away and not contact her and has completely deleted all her online accounts so that he can’t get in touch and has said that everything is my decision whether she stays or goes and she would like to stay and sort it out.
What am I supposed to do? I still love her but I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever take anything she says as the truth ever again. I can’t spend the rest of my life being suspicious and waiting for it to happen again. I want it to work but I think it might be impossible.
Sorry about the rambling and I’m sure I've missed out some pertinent points. I forgot to mention before that we are both still living in our joint owned flat and are in the process of selling it to relocate which was our long term plan before this all kicked off. I have to decide whether it’s a relocation for just me or a relocation and restart for our marriage...
Any advice would be appreciated as I literally have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

Simple posted 9/16/2013 13:31 PM

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Please know that this forum is a good support. There's also the library for you to read through. Learn about 180, boundaries, as well as the "fog".

Hugs your way.

Thefly559 posted 9/16/2013 13:48 PM

You need to get full disclosure and remorse from her . She should have Absolutely no contact with her loser boyfriend and access to all email , Facebook , etc! For me I draw the line at infidelity but then again my stbxww showed no remorse at all so I never had to make that decision. She made it for me. You have a harder decision to make , and that is if you can live the rest of your life with that betrayal? The lies? Without some real remorse from her to help you heal I am not sure anyone could! I wish you all the luck in the world but you have a long road ahead and some really tough decision making! All the best and you are not alone. We feel your pain and are hear for support.

OK now posted 9/16/2013 14:46 PM

She had a full-blown affair knowing that you both were due to soon relocate. It seems to imply that she does not much care if the marriage works out or not taking a risk like that.

The way forward seems clear to me. You relocate and she stays behind; assuming all financial responsibility for the mortgage on the apartment. If absence makes the heart grow fonder and you decide to reconcile after a few months, then she can join you.

If you decide to reconcile what will this imply?
1] You have to deal with the pain of her adultery, which probably involved a very significant sex life with the OM, since she was separated, living in her own bedsit [or with the OM?]
2] She repeatedly lied to you and as you mentioned, how can you ever believe a word she says anymore? Even lied to the OM; the man she was emotionally committed to.
3] She has cut you off sexually which implies that she feels that she 'still belongs to the OM' and is not physically attracted to you anymore. Will quality sex return - maybe not.
4] She does not want children and you do; a huge issue in my opinion.

All of the above should rule out relocating together at this time. Separate and see how things go, but you should expect a whole lot of sincere remorse before you let her move out and join you.

toomanyregrets posted 9/16/2013 15:24 PM

I'm so sorry your here.

I have a question.
If she wasn't renting the flat near her work, where was she staying all that time?

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