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AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/16/2013 07:09 AM

Well, it's now been almost a week after he has left (AGAIN) because he can't be the husband I need him to be...never tried and the MC is a crock to him.

Here is my situation. I have to remain married until I am through nursing school. I am currently unemployed. (during the reconciliations of lies I started this path and he promised to take care of me, so I could put my all into school) I need his health insurance to even get into the nursing program, as I am doing all the pre-reqs required now.

My therapist told me to stay, considering I have devoted 22 years of taking care of him and the children...what's 2 more years. my eyes that's a LONG time. I did reach out to an attorney and they said that there's really nothing you can do until you file for divorce. The legal separation will make the insurance go away.

Has anyone been in my shoes, having to stay married but separated for other reasons like insurance and stuff.

neverbeokay posted 9/16/2013 09:40 AM

Why do you need his health insurance? Why couldn't you negotiate him providing support as well as paying for a private policy until you are finished with school and employed?

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/16/2013 09:46 AM

In order to even get into the nursing program it is a stipulation to have medical insurance.

It's cheaper just to stay married until I am finished. He is struggling to pay the bills in the first place. So you cannot get blood from a turnip, ya know

Nature_Girl posted 9/16/2013 09:50 AM

You can have wording added to your divorce or separation agreement that he has to pay for a private health ins policy (or COBRA) for you. Easy peasy, it's done all the time.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/16/2013 10:12 AM

He's agreed to take care of me financially and letting me live in the house with my adult daughter(it's technically his mother's, but we have paid the house note, because he screwed our credit so bad before). And has continued to screw it up, my car was repoed this summer and forced him to get it back. He's a child in a 45 year old body. Runs from responsibilities and back to his mommy every time he fails at anything, which she enables him because her boys could do no wrong (its my fault for not getting past the affair and not just putting it in the past, in her eyes).
I am just fearing that when he does meet someone (claims there is no one now), that things will change. He has already stated he's going to fight me tooth and nail for me getting half of his pension, because I will be financially stable in the nursing field without his pension. Good luck with that buttercup.

solus sto posted 9/16/2013 10:21 AM

Yes. I have been separated for over three years, and do not plan to divorce for insurance reasons. At first, it was because Mr. Trac-fone's insurance covered me and the kids. Now it's because my insurance provides him better prescription coverage (he has 2 serious medical conditions, in addition to several psychiatric meds). That, and life insurance. In my state, a spouse can't be removed as beneficiary without consent. I devoted decades of my life to this man; I don't want the Whore du Jour to collect benefits that my kids should have.

We live as though we are divorced. We have almost no contact. When we do, it's about kids or money or, sometimes, the house (though I generally just handle that stuff). He lets me know when he's in the hospital (because I have durable power of attorney for health care), but I don't visit unless it looks dire or the kids want to see him (rarer and rarer). If he were to die tomorrow, I would be sad for my kids (who will feel guilty for not being sadder than they are), but otherwise feel about the same level of grief as I would if someone I once knew in middle school died. A sort of, "Oh,that's too bad" (okay, complicated by, "Oh, gross; what will I find when I clean out his apartment? I'd better clean it out myself so the kids don't see anything" horror).

We are not legally separated. I do live with the understanding that he could change the rules of the game at any time. So I've set myself up to be able to withstand that---or at least weather it better than I might otherwise.

So far, he has not changed the rules. (ETA: I should clarify that it hasn't always been seamless. For example, the last car I had was actually in his name only. And when he left, the loan was, unbeknownst to me, in arrears. It was repossessed. But that wasn't all bad---the car was dying a slow death and getting costly, for one thing. Guzzling gas. But really, the silver lining was learning that even when thrust into another bad situation, I could cope. I could rent a car, get to a dealership, and get a new car. It was hard, it was scary, but I did it, and am stronger for it.)

Ties like that are becoming fewer as time goes on. We're getting more and more separate.

Overall, it's working for me.

ETA: It might be worth exploring the insurance your school offers. When I was in nursing school, insurance was--of course--required. But we had access to outstanding medical coverage for a very reasonable cost.

Most schools do offer some form of coverage--not always excellent, but worth looking into.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:34 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 9/16/2013 13:57 PM

Thank you solus, there is someone out there who knows what I am going through!!!

I am feeling trapped and stuck because of the dependent state I am in now. I have been cleaning friends and families houses to have any extra cash, which is not much.

I originally started school to have a bright future for us during his stage of years of lying to me. I guess the lying so easily to me, makes me fearful of what the future holds for me.

I will definitely check in with the school to see, that just might be another road to take, just so this can be over for good.

hexed posted 9/16/2013 15:38 PM

Yep -BTDT. Just finished 5 years of that.

My X has excellent health insurance. My job did not offer it. I was having some minor but important health issues. We negotiated it as part of our settlement. We could not officialy separate or D but we had an agreement drawn up by our attorneys.

We separated all of our other assetts, signed and agreement, had the D papers ready to go. We figured out what the cost of the insurance would've been for me privately for 5 years and deducted that amount from what I would've been able to take from his retirement. There was some fancy stuff done by the attorneys to protect us both. It worked out well for the most part.

doggiediva posted 9/17/2013 10:19 AM

Just be careful...I agree, look into school sponsored insurance if possible..

See an attorney for a consult regarding your rights in the event of D..In regards to D also find out at what point does the marriage end legally in your state...In some states the marriage ends when D is filed with the courts and temporary/separation orders are in place..In other states the marriage doesn't end until the D is FINAL...Accurate knowledge of this information is crucial because it may be years after filing for D before the D is FINAL...

Let your WH put in writing what he promised you verbally about schooling, taking care of you,etc....Post Nup...

If possible stick it out in school long enough to get a BSN nursing education...

The BSN is an entry level requirement to be employed at most facilities especially if you are hiring in as a new RN to that facility..

Once you are out of nursing school and into a steady nursing job, your higher income/job security may thrust you into more financial responsibility and liability in the area of alimony( if your WH asks for it ) payable to your WH if you guys are divorcing while he is un/under employed ....If you and your WH can negotiate your own terms of D out of court, that is best and least traumatic..

In other words, if the personal financial situation of one spouse is drastically different from other spouse, The person with the higher income and earning capacity is going to have to pay thru the nose to keep the other spouse's lifestyle as similar as possible to what it was during the M.. This applies especially to long M's..So do what you can now, if possible, to encourage your WH to stay in his well paying steady job indefinitely (if he has one)..

Case in point:

I was always the sole or main bread winner in our M.. Our marriage was a very long one..We are now separated but share the same house..

I am retired due to health reasons and downsizing at my facility, my pension is in payout status..Life insurance sponsored by my company ended when my employment did..I will look into getting another life ins policy written on myself in the future, when I am considered single so that I can list my kiddos as beneficiaries...

My WH is currently and voluntarily unemployed without pension or assets to his name..Has been unemployed for almost 2 years..

D day #2 was 3-4 years back, R was unsuccessful...WH was employed when D-Day happened and R attempted..

I see that my WH is now taking full advantage of the sucky D laws in our no fault state.. He refuses to find work thinking that I will file for D sometime in the near future and he will get a financial free ride from me.

I can see from my side of the coin (our long M) , that I will get crucified for being the sole or main bread winner in the case of D..When I file for D I will initiate a series of events that will cause me financial ruin at my later stage of life.. It would be difficult if not impossible for me to catch up financially via working a conventional full time job ..

The moral of my story is to do what it takes to have a legally binding post nup agreement drawn up and in place between you and your WH from this day moving forward..Do this before you graduate nursing school and begin to receive any substantial income or buy into any pension plans, real estate, etc, etc..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:46 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

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