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Feeling eviscerated.

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RRosemary posted 9/16/2013 07:55 AM

Two days ago, I discovered that my husband of 25 years has been cheating on me with two different women; one that he met on Ashley Madison 'just for sex' and another one that me met, also online, some 5 years ago. I read TONS of emails between him and the second woman, very loving stuff, sweet nicknames, all that. He came home from the store while I was reading the emails and he immediately stepped past me and began deleting info, as if it mattered at that point. He's cheated on me two other times in our lives that I know about, but I thought we'd worked through it; in fact, a couple of weeks ago we had an argument because he said I had to learn to trust him again. So, anyway, don't know what I'm going to do... he wants to work it out, I wish I'd never met him and cannot look at him without seeing lies falling out of his mouth. We may try counseling but I just don't know if I can trust him again. I'd love to hear from anyone who can tell me anything that will make me feel better, even for a minute.

Girlietoo posted 9/16/2013 10:18 AM

I'm not sure if I have anything that can make you feel better:/ Clearly you are a woman of incredible strength to go through this twice before and still stay standing. I'm sorry that your husband seems to have taken you and your gift of reconciliation for granted. I don't think anyone would blame you at all if you threw in the towel, I understand that isn't an easy decision to come to.

Obviously I don't know you but I do know that you don't deserve this type of disrespect. You are worth so much more than your WS is willing to give you.

RRosemary posted 9/16/2013 10:44 AM

Thank you, Girlietoo. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this and it helps to hear other people, their experiences and their advice. This is the first time I've told ANYBODY that my spouse was cheating; since I found out two days ago, I've told my mother, my best friend, and I just told my dad - didn't mean to, but he called and I picked up and as soon as I heard that voice, it all came out. Part of me wants to hide it, in case we fix it. I won't tell anyone else, but it feels amazingly right, what I've done so far.

trynhard posted 9/16/2013 11:03 AM

Not much you can do to make you feel much better today. But you can make this temporary discomfort depending on what YOU do. Make a change.

IMO.. you asked him to move out. Then you see what he does to win you back. Right now, he is not worthy of you. That is an unsaid value YOU must have.

Your man has many issues. Sex is his big issue… It does not matter if you turned you did not do your part... That is something to be worked on by you later, perhaps even with your next man. A masculine man knows how to communicate to his woman were she will put forward to him. A weak man will in fear run. He ran away.

Strong is attractive. He is most attracted to you today because he believes you are going to leave him. Be strong.. Make him fight extra hard for you. That will attract him more.

Risk.. He is such a weak man he may disqualify himself. Then accept that. A given in life is that everything ends. You don’t want a weak man. .that will bring you more misery.

And how your M ends will come in two ways..

He will seek IC on his own. He will give you the most heartfelt apologize (many times) and tell you he is going to change. He is going to show you what he does to change. That means he will go get help. He can do this with IC.. he can do this by changing all his male friends and finding a mentor to teach him how to be a man. He will give you time. He will build you up with words that build you up, not defensiveness. He admits and takes full responsibility for his bad choices. He will on his own give you all his passwords.. he will leave his phone open for you to see on purpose. He will stop all non-transparency behaviors.. He will make his restitution by coming clean answering all your difficult questions.. ALL OF THEM… and is a way you can process them. You will see all this without you asking for it.. Your old M will end. If he does these things, without you asking.. demanding.. Advising.. Then, you can begin to show him the new YOU you also want to be.. will also change and You seek IC too.. to know what it means to now be strong, how to fill a man needs more completely… how to demand being treated like a women needs to be treated accepting nothing less.. ever.


If he does not do the above.. You execute his choice. You make him no longer part of your world. Seek how to be a far better person in every way. Be happy single for awhile.. work on things that will build your self esteem.. Most likely many men will be very attractive to you and they will build you up. Your friends will build you up.. let them.

Fears.. Right now, you have great fears. They are real. Overcome them with courage. Start doing everything to love yourself.. meaning.. NO, I DON”T ACCEPT being abused by your man. Make him less part of your life.. If he behaves like I mentioned above.. only then do you give the blessing of a second chance. Your good will come.

Men like your man need to lose something very meaningful before they change. If you hang on, not give him penance, he is not going to change. You have given him chances before? Yes? No change right?

Never again argue with HIM needing anything. “HIM demanding trust.” HE must earn it. To even argue about this means he is not paying his penance. Know it.. and do not let him back in before he realizes this. Your Man is a fool.. “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” William Shakespeare

To think he is going to tell you.. YOU MUST TRUST.. is a fool.

Mr. RRosemary, “You want our M.. YOU go figure out how to keep a woman. On your own without me at your side. In 6 months after you have proven to me you are now a real man.. I might give you a chance to be part of my world.”

See what you get in a short time.

It will be YOU who ends your grief. You be strong.. life will move you quicker in the right direction.

My 2 cents.

Hope2B posted 9/16/2013 12:19 PM

I am so sorry for your pain. My 33rd wedding anniversary will be this December, and I just found out this past Feb, and found out MORE this past week.

We're seeing our pastor today, which is why WS disclosed more info yesterday, and earlier this week (when I discovered more stuff). We also are waiting to set up an appt this week with a marriage counselor.

I trusted him to protect me, to honor me, and to be there for me. Everything is a lie now. Everything is ashes. I hope things will get better. So very sad for you and me and all the others who are posting on this forum.

Simple posted 9/16/2013 13:28 PM

He's cheated on me two other times in our lives that I know about, but I thought we'd worked through it;

Looks like he's very good at hiding stuff. Also for sure he did not figure out what caused him to cheat (nothing to do with you or the marriage, don't let him say otherwise, you were in that marriage too). Apparently the consequences of his previous cheating was not dire enough for him to stop. More likely he was in the fog the entire time and just manipulated you.

I'm sorry, we're here for you.

RockyMtn posted 9/16/2013 18:57 PM

I'd kick his ass out, too. He did this 5 years ago. Then recently got mad that you weren't trusting him because of those As...meanwhile carrying on 2 more As? Unbelievable.

I wouldn't go to marriage counseling at this point. This is not a marriage problem, this is a wayward problem. I would get IC for yourself. Use IC to get stronger, to know your boundaries, to understand what this all means for your life.

He needs IC, too. He is a serial cheater (4 women, correct?) But IC will be useless unless he wants to go and will see it as helpful. He's got to want to change.

All MC is going to do at this point is put the focus on the marriage. And, really, no matter what is going on in your marriage, a 4-time cheater IS the problem. He is the problem.

After finding out that my WH had 2 affairs (I found out about one and later found out there had been another affair before the one I discovered), we both did intensive IC for 9 months. Still in it. Only just now thinking of MC because only just recently did I start to give R a shot. No need to jump fast into marriage counseling.

I'm sorry you find yourself here again.

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