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Heartbroken2013 posted 9/16/2013 07:55 AM

Hi, we are 10 mths passed DD and are working on our marriage.

My question to you all is this:

My H had (what I call) an online EA with a woman from the U.S (we live in the UK)

Right ... so ...

They met in a chat room (Chatbazzar) chatted & did cyber sex for a few weeks before moving onto yahoo chat (him using an alias email address)

1) He told her his name was T*** (its not)
2) He told her he was 24 (he's not)
3) He told her he was single (obviously he's not)
4) They didn't ever arrange to meet and chat, just chatted when each other were online.
5) He said he used her
6) He said she used him
7) She would strip for him on webcam and touch herself while they did the cybersex shit!
8) She never saw him on webcam (how I know, because we didn't have a web cam on our computer, and when he used to chat with her, I would be in the house/room most times)
(I didn't know this was going on, he would be sat with lap top on his lap different side of room)
9) She had no clue about me, she knew nothing about our marriage, our kids etc
10) Every time they chatted it resulted in sex.
11) They never had a conversation that didn't involve sex
12) He could take it or leave it from her. if she wasn't online, he would go into chat room and chat to other people which sometimes resulted in cybersex, sometimes just normal clean chat.
13) I confronted her online, left her a message and when I went to send her another one, she had deleted her email address (which I assume was also an alias)

The reason why im asking if it was an EA is because I don't think there was any emotion in it! I think they both used each other to get what they wanted. (If you please read my profile maybe you would understand my H side of things)

Up to a point I understand why he did it/why he felt the NEED to do it .... he could be the person he has dreamed of being since he was old enough to understand about sex.

I don't think it was an emotional affair because he didn't reveal any part of our lives, he lied to her too. She used him for her own kink, and I guess he used her for that too. I always thought an EA was when 2 people knew about each others lives, about everything. She knew nothing .... he said he didn't feel like it was an emotional affair because he 'didn't let her in' ....

Im not saying this makes it any easier as to whether or not it was an EA ... im just curious to everyone's opinion on this.

(please read my profile before commenting, so you can understand everything about my H)

Thanks for reading so far ...

Kelany posted 9/16/2013 08:26 AM

I read your profile. How difficult for you, I'm so sorry.

It is definitely an affair, no matter how you look at it. Doesn't matter if there was physical touch or not. He was giving his time, emotionally and mentally to others and taking that from you. So in that regard, I'm sure it could also be called an EA. But what would the label do for you exactly? Will it help you in your healing process? Will it help him understand the pain he caused you more? I guess I'm asking, how will labeling it as an EA vs. just an A do?

noprincess posted 9/16/2013 08:43 AM

Hugs Heartbroken,

I read your profile. Like SamanthaBaker, I can only imagine how diffiult that is for you.

I don't think it matters what you call it - affair, emotional affair, whatever - the truth of it all is the BETRAYAL. That is why you are hurting - the betrayal.

Your H was not physical with someone else, he was not emotional with someone else, however, he dishonored you and your marriage by repeatedly forming a sexual connetion with another woman. It is an affair.

solus sto posted 9/16/2013 09:03 AM

He diverted emotional and sexual energy that should have been shared only with you to another woman.

My husband isn't big on emotion. Heck, he never formed a real attachment to me, it turns out, and we were together for more than 30 years before we separated!

But he was ALWAYS chasing the feeling---ALWAYS going for the rush of chemicals that came from new "relationships," no matter how devoid of reality, how shallow, how superficial.

NEVER was there genuine emotional attachment.

But every single woman he touched, every dollar he spent, every moment he directed toward another woman represented betrayal.

I don't know what to call the affairs in which there was no physical contact.

But you know what? It doesn't matter what I call them. They were all part of the infidelity spectrum, crossing boundaries that never should be breached.

Bobbi_sue posted 9/16/2013 09:03 AM

I would not describe it as an EA, but it does not matter what category you put it in. I guess I think that Cybersex like that needs a category all its own anyway, but it is definitely cheating, and could be just as much of a deal breaker as any other kind of cheating.

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/16/2013 09:22 AM

I think it was an online affair ... without the emotional side of things ... a bit like live porn. Like the chat lines, you (he) tells the person (slut) what he wants to do, while she performs it, only he was watching her perform it online.

Yes, its an affair.

But ...

Coming from his side of the fence, for a full 44 years living in his body, in his mind he was/is a freak. He truly believes this, he feels that because he cant 'be a man' in the normal way a man should be.

He didn't go looking for it, said he chatted for months online to various people ... (I can relate to this as this is how we met, in a chat room 14 years ago) but whatever happened, he found it ... he found the cybersex and he carried on with it ... he had an affair!

Yes ... no matter what label I put on it, it was an affair with a slut who paraded herself online for an audience, and is probably still doing it... my H wasn't her first, and he sure as hell wont be her last ...