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After a year he still has feelings for her

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Cheatedon23 posted 9/16/2013 08:01 AM

After nearly a year since D-day, WH informed me last night that he still had feelings for the OP and probably always would!
He admitted that the A has gone underground with only texting and phone calls. He says he hasn't "been" with her since June of last year, but quite frankly I think that is a lie. How in the hell am I suppose to process this kind of information?

I told him that I would not share him and that if he couldn't give me 100% then I didn't want any. He said that he loves me and wants to make it work. I told him that as long as he works with her that the affair would never be over. He agreed, but we are not in the position financially for him to quit his job.

We just had our 30 year wedding anniversary! WTF! I feel like such a fool to believe that we could make this work. I'm sorry I'm just rambling, but my mind is a whirlwind and my heart has shattered once again.

I guess I need to brush up on my 180 skills. I hate my F'ing life right now!!! I did nothing to deserve this.

Kelany posted 9/16/2013 08:06 AM

*Gently* it seems as if he's made his decision. He's still choosing himself and her. He has feelings for her because it never ended.

I understand the feeling of not being in a position financially to change jobs. I thought that too. Then??? My husband was fired for sexual harassment last year related to his affair behavior and he was unemployed for four months and we had no income. We survived. So in my opinion? It is possible, it's just uncomfortable.

I guess there are some choices you need to make.

Since he's still engaging in the affair you can kick him out and let him stop cake eating.

You can draw your line in the sand and tell him if he wants to remain in the marriage, he needs to quit his job and go immediate NC, no waivering.

MovingUpward posted 9/16/2013 08:09 AM


You are right in that you did nothing to deserve this. Brush up on your 180.

Are the two of you in MC? As your WH doesn't seem to comprehend that him not giving 100% hurts you greatly. A third person might give credence as well as some direction for things he could read or do to reconnect in this M so that there aren't feeling for others.

Cheatedon23 posted 9/16/2013 08:33 AM

No, we are not in MC. I always felt it was something we could afford. I will now be looking into it.

Right now I feel that all I have been doing is rug sweeping because WH never liked to talk about the A because of the "guilt" he felt!. STUPID STUPID STUPID. There won't be any rug sweeping any longer! He is going to have to confess everything if he wants this to work. Honestly though, at this moment in time, I'm not sure I want it to work.

solus sto posted 9/16/2013 08:53 AM

No. Don't bother with MC. MC with a WS still in the affair is simply an exercise in making the BS feel even more inadequate. You won't derive anything positive, and will likely be hurt further.

Instead, how about IC for YOU? So that you can get good and strong. That, along with the 180, will do you wonders.

I am very, very sorry for your pain. My husband never went NC with OW, either.

If he wanted to get past his feelings for OW, there's one way to do it: NC.

Your husband has made a decision--and it's not compatible with marriage.

I understand financial constraint. There was no couple more poorly situated than me and my husband, in terms of finances and separation. Seriously, on paper (or not on paper!) there was NO way for us to separate.

Only I couldn't stand being with him any more. There was no way I could heal and move forward while living with him.

I found out that, really, I can do this on my own. Is it easy? No. But it's AWESOMELY empowering.

annb posted 9/16/2013 09:03 AM


Truthfully and gently, until he has absolutely NC with OW, you will not be in R.

Did you ever consider outing them to HR so possibly something could be worked out where they will NEVER have contact. If I knew my WH and OW were in contact AT ALL after D-Day, I was prepared to contact his VP and let the chips fall where they may.

My WH had an A with a married Co-worker who was at a site 3,000 miles away. After the dust settled right after D-Day, I put my bitch pants on and one of my conditions for R was he find another job. I would not tolerate ANY communication, even professional. None, nada, my way or the highway. My H traveled a great deal for work, gone every other week, that also came to a screeching halt. No way would I be put in a position to wonder what the hell he was doing on business trips.

It took him several months, and he did find another job, actually a much better job. It was difficult for him to leave the company he had been with for 25 years, a cushy job, lots of good friends and perks, oh well. Gone.

If your WH is in contact with OW, IMO MC will be a waste of your time and money.

I guess the point I am making is that you have to evaluate what is more important...his job or your marriage. Can he find another job, even a lower-paying job temporarily until something better comes along?

He admitted that the A has gone underground with only texting and phone calls.

^^Your WH should be an open book and you MUST have access to everything in order to R, cell phone records, voicemails, company/personal emails, social pages, etc. Total transparency. I am 8 years out, and still have access to EVERYTHING. If your WH truly wants to save your marriage, he will not have an issue with giving you everything you need to help you feel safe in the marriage.

You need the truth, and if he is not willing to give it to you, I'd go into stealth mode to get it. You do not deserve to be lied to and trampled on, the trauma of infidelity is so excruciatingly painful.

The best thing you can do for you right now is to focus on you. Try your best to get motivated to do things that make you happy, anything to remove yourself from the never-ending nightmare, even just temporarily. Go for long walks or bike rides, bring your laptop to a coffee shop, meet up with friends. Get yourself into IC, a good IC.

My heart bleeds for you bc I cannot even to begin to comprehend what it is like for a WS to have continued contact with AP.


Bobbi_sue posted 9/16/2013 09:12 AM

No. Don't bother with MC. MC with a WS still in the affair is simply an exercise in making the BS feel even more inadequate.

This would be my stance as well. He still has feelings for her after a year?

The only person you can change is yourself. Counselors don't change people either. They might be used as one of many tools to help somebody who is sincerely trying to fix him/herself, or the marriage, but if the desire does not come from within himself, it is not going to come at all IMO.

Kierst13 posted 9/16/2013 09:18 AM

No. Don't bother with MC. MC with a WS still in the affair is simply an exercise in making the BS feel even more inadequate. You won't derive anything positive, and will likely be hurt further.

This! I didn't know I was in MC with a WS still in an affair, but when I found out it made every single word he said in MC a lie.

He will use MC as a way to cake-eat. He will try to convince you he is *trying* to leave her, but he will instead continue in his happy world.

Lalagirl posted 9/16/2013 09:38 AM


Oh sweetie - I was feeling so hopeful for your marriage when I read your reply to my post on Recon a couple of weeks ago.

Don't bother with MC. MC with a WS still in the affair is simply an exercise in making the BS feel even more inadequate. You won't derive anything positive, and will likely be hurt further.

This to a tee. But, not only IC for you, but for HIM - he needs to find out what is broken in him before he can even begin to work on himself. And you cannot fix it. Please trust me on this. It took IC for both of us, THEN we did MC - all over the course of almost a year (with some scattered visits for another year).

One thing that I learned in IC for me is that I did NOT have to be second best (or a backup plan) and he had no right to put his spouse in that position to feel that way. My profile tells more, and it was not an easy road, but unfortunately, I did have to separate in order for him to remove his head from his butt. And it was not overnight. And he did miss her...that hurt so I completely feel your pain.

As far as him quitting, is he even trying to LOOK for another job? I'm just getting the impression he wants to cake-eat. Close that bakery.


PS - You are NOT a fool. And YOU cannot make this work - or fix him - this is on his ass (the area where his head is lodged). He is the fool for making a mockery of your feelings and your marriage.

180...yes indeed...not always easy but it's time to work on you - you live only once, sweetheart.

tryinginmi posted 9/16/2013 09:53 AM

Can he afford to split everything in a divorce?

rachelc posted 9/16/2013 10:16 AM

I don't know that I'd even bother with the 180. I'd just file....

sorry OP!! How very painful to be going through this. hugs to you!

Ostrich80 posted 9/16/2013 12:30 PM

I'm in a similar sich as my ws still is in daily contact with ow. It can't end if they still talk. Of course he still has feelings, he's still involved with her. I agree with the post above...eff MC, go to IC and figure out why your still with a man who's at the least in an EA. I say this because I'm trying to figure out myself. It cannot work if the M isn't a priority. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not important enough to even warrant faithfulness. It will slowly kill your soul, I've been in this sich for 4 yrs and I'm finally facing this and planning my life without him in my future. It's a slow torturous murder of your self worth, self esteem..don't let it happen to you because its a long crawl out.

tushnurse posted 9/16/2013 12:43 PM

CO23 - Forget MC, See a lawyer. Seriously the only thing that is going to knock his cakeeating, fencesitting ass off is by throwing out the cake, and knocking down the fence.

He is seriously still foggy.

YOU are right you don't deserve this, no one does. However it is the hand we were dealt. This ends when you say it does.

You think you cant afford MC, I'm guessing you feel the same about a D. Funny thing is when you put your needs first, and start taking care of yourself, these things have a way of working out. Time to find your strength. You deserve much much more.

(((and strength))))

LivingALie posted 9/16/2013 12:44 PM

I heard this so many times too….if they work together its not over……one of them has to leave the job. I didn’t want to believe it either. I worried about the financial situation too. Really, we know what you’re going through.

Finally, after 2 ½ years of them working together and putting up with the constant breaks in NC – I had finally HAD IT. I FINALLY listened to everyone here and came to the realization that no, we weren’t any different, no, HE wasn’t any different – they COULD NOT work together and as long as they saw each other on a daily basis –the affair was ongoing.

Well, my H has an extremely specialized position – only 64 of its kind our state – so it wasn’t going to be easy to get another job. Well, when I filed divorced papers, he finally started looking for another job. He found one – a better one, more money, more opportunity. If he didn’t find another job, he was taking an early retirement. I just could not deal with any longer. I finally realized, it was his problem – I wasn’t living in that hell one more day.

When he finally left, I didn’t realize just how much stress I had been under – now no more dreading Monday morning, no more wondering all day long – what email did I miss – what did they talk about today and on and on and on.

Now, its one year since he left his job and his perspective is completely changed. Looking back, even he says, he should have immediately left that job and I should have insisted on it.

I finally stopped trying to control everything – email, text, phone – and just told him, after I discovered yet another broken NC – I give up. You can do whatever you want to – but I’m not putting up with it any longer. I don’t want to be married to someone who has so little respect for me and our marriage. I was calm about it – no drama, no tears.

Ostrich is so right…it is slow torture…it will kill your soul.

Cheatedon23 posted 9/16/2013 18:03 PM

Thanks everyone for advice. I have a lot of thinking to do. I really don't want to divorce after 33 years of being together but I may not have another option. It doesn't look like he is going to pull his head out of his ass.

I started the 180 today which wasn't to hard while at work, but is going to be hard when he comes home. I am also hoping to have a heart to heart with him tonight but maybe my feelings at to raw to have a rational conversation.....

RockyMtn posted 9/16/2013 18:30 PM

Heart to hearts aren't the 180.

crazyblindsided posted 9/16/2013 18:37 PM


If he is still talking with her then that is an EA. Which is still an A. I am so sorry.

I agree that MC is a waste of time for WS's that are foggy and unremorseful. Definitely go to an IC they help you focus on yourself and getting stronger. Definitely implement the 180.

Maybe you can take a vacation with your girlfriends too

If my WH told me this after a year. I would kick his a** out.

You deserve better and not a douche of a WH that tells you this crap after a year!

Get your bitch boots on and show him who has the power now

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