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Newest Member: Misty33 (46040)

User Topic: Evil & Ignorance / Knowledge & Intimacy
nealos
♂ 35284
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“To link sexuality and intimacy is to link sexuality with knowledge, with an opening up of the possibility rather than a closing down. In the choice between addictive sexuality and intimate sexuality, one trades a finite set of possibilities against an infinite set of possibilities. Addictive sexuality wishes to deny itself knowledge of the lover, of the lover’s emotions, history, human fallible self and the possibilities of that self. Such sexuality views the other only in one dimension, for that is all it believes sexuality can contain. In contrast, intimate sexuality believes that sexuality can contain not only the other, but also one’s own emotions, history, fallibilities and possibilities. Such an acknowledgment, though, is extremely frightening. It is an affirmation of all we do not control, a letting go of our defenses. It admits the knowledge of the pain we bear.”

You could replace "addictive sex" with "detached sex" or "emotionally distant sex"... this was written in literature meant for SAs in recovery, but it could be applied to many who struggle to build intimacy.

This is a vision of hope for the relationship with a sexual partner I want to have in recovery.

If no one ever showed you what intimacy could look like, you'd never know you deserved it or could have it... you wouldn't even know what it was or what it was capable of providing you and your relationship. ...no one ever showed me growing up. My parents and family didn't know how to-- their system was broken before I was raised in it. However, I'm blessed to have the means to spend thousands of dollars on therapy :) ...I may live paycheck to paycheck, but I'll know the depths of love and intimacy :) The best investment I'll ever have the opportunity to make.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Nealos,

nice post.

one trades a finite set of possibilities against an infinite set of possibilities

I like this. It make so much sense.

How are you doing? Sounds like pretty well.

Anyway, glad to see you back.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude you have seriously come a long way. It's great to hear from you and thanks for posting that. It rang some bells for me.

Welcome back from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (53)
Him: Shards (48)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If no one ever showed you what intimacy could look like, you'd never know you deserved it or could have it... you wouldn't even know what it was or what it was capable of providing you and your relationship. ...no one ever showed me growing up. My parents and family didn't know how to-- their system was broken before I was raised in it.

Amen to that. Both my parents came from pretty dysfunctional households. I just ran the opposite direction and became a complete codependent.

Growing and learning is the best we can do now. I completely agree that therapy has helped me by miles and miles.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18701 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
nealos
♂ 35284
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badchoice-- thanks for saying hi; I'm glad to be back. I had a few months to distance myself from some mixed motives for posting on here. If I was to aggressively seek honesty (which starts with being honest with my self), I had to admit that I was posting here at least a little bit hoping that my xF would read my posts, see that I've changed, and magically forget about everything evil I put her through (HA!). Even with both feet in recovery, I'm a manipulative bastard if left unchecked. I think I'm safer from that motive now, and I look at posting on here now as a way of "carrying the message to the addict who is still sick" and "sharing my experience, strength and hope." I'm looking to help my program of recovery-- selfish, maybe; but service-oriented at least. And even if I don't help anyone, I've got a forum to finish the often half-baked thoughts floating around in my head; turns out I'm a verbal processor. I'm doing well now-- I've got 6mo of sobriety under my belt, a budding relationship with someone who (get this) RESPECTS that I'm in recovery and working on myself, I'm finishing up my 4th step, and generally working on cultivating a positive, healthy attitude in all corners of my life. It has its ups and downs, but my life in recovery is very good.

EvolvingSoul-- thanks for the affirmation; I feel like I've come a long way. It's paradoxical though-- the further I come, the more I realize the further I have to go :)

JRazz-- thanks for chiming in. Kudos for recognizing your codependent tendencies. I'm in recovery with dozens of fellow codependents and they (ahem, "we") have an extremely difficult time being aware of those tendencies and the overall impact it has on our relationships. I'm in a primary relationship with a self-aware codependent, and we can get so bogged down in our patterns if left unchecked. For recovering addicts, it's fairly straight forward-- no chemical bottom lines, then work on loving yourself. For codependents it seems much less straightforward-- don't engage in communication patterns that are highly automatic and 2nd nature to you... and sometimes those tendencies are healthy, so take a scalpel and try to carve out love from obsession. Ugh! I think SA (and other process addictions) is more closely related to codependency than other addictions are (chemical ones like alcohol, drugs, etc), but codependency is a juggernaut. I'd be interested in hearing more about your journey with it-- and frankly, a lot of users on this site could probably benefit from addressing their obsessions with their relationships.


--edited for grammar and spelling--

[This message edited by nealos at 9:13 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Topic Posts: 5

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