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I'm ashamed of my mother. wwyd?

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idkam posted 9/16/2013 09:32 AM

When i was in middle school my mom was with an ex boyfriend whom my brother and i was named after.. I found out recently the reason was bc our fathers wasnt at the hospital neither times we were born...FAST forward to middle school and after my mom divorced my step dad... She got back with this dude and they were together 5-6 years.. FAST forward to now... He just got out of prison (hes in his late 60's)for selling drugs (not the first
time) and i guess while he was in there he and my mom became penpals.. Every now and then his name would come up in our conversation but i wasnt alarmed until my brother mentioned to me that he is moving in with my mother last Jan but it didnt happen.. My brother told her he would not visit her if this guy moved into her house.. My mother laughed it off..

When i spoke to my mom on several occasions i asked her if this guy iwas moving in and she said no... Months later she mentioned his parole officers were coming by to check her house to make sure it met the standard for parolee's and i said i thought you told me he wasnt moving in. She laughed it off.. Then we started talking about the time when they were married and made these promises that he was going to renovate the house ( my mom lives in the house she was raised in. This is also the house my bro and i grew up in). My brother and i were so excited because the house needed alot of work.. We had two doors the front and back door.. No bedrm doors or bathroom door... He lied, it never happened nor did he do any of the other things he had promised us.. I asked my mom what kind of work did he do and she said he was selling drugs ... I said WHT! You let a man who was selling drugs around your children? She said 'how do you think you and ur brother were able to go shopping when you wanted to and blah blah you should have known.. I said how was i suppose to know? I was in middle school.. You were suppose to protect us from people like that... Grr! I was so upset, deflated, and disappointed.... She said he did get on wirh the City but that was along time ago...i told her do not expect to see me while he is living there...

After katrina my mom got her house renovated and adapted for wheelchair access etc because she is raising my 7 year old cousin with cerebral palsy and she is paralysed on the left side..she has a 4 bdrm home with doors on all of the bedrooms and bathrooms...

So yesterday i called her cell phone and it wnt straight to vm.. Then i called the landline and her brother answered and told me she went to see that guy.. I said what guy? And he said whats his name mmm You know, then he said his name snd my heart dropped.. I said where did she go to see him? My uncle said im not sure....

This tells me that he is out if prison and is at a half-way house, for now...

Who is this woman i called my mother, my best friend for all of these years?

I'm crushed and i dont know how to procesd this..Please help me....

Deeply Scared posted 9/16/2013 10:16 AM


I have no advice or experience dealing with something like this, but I wanted you to know that I read your story and I'm really sorry you're struggling with this. It seems your mom is making some unhealthy decisions...I hope you can talk to her soon to find out what exactly her plans are.

Keep strong!

EvenKeel posted 9/16/2013 10:21 AM

I am not sure there is much you can do at all (unfortunately).

Sounds like she has been making the same mistakes her entire life. It doesn't even sound like she recognizes them as mistakes either? Ie laughing stuff off, blameshifting the entire drug-selling BF when you were in middle school, etc.

I am sorry - it sounds so sad.

idkam posted 9/16/2013 10:39 AM

Thanks DS & EK

Im not sure wht to do abt this either... She just sent me text asking if gummy bear vitamins are good for the 7 yr old to take... Im sure her brother told her i called her last night and how the conversation went... Now she is trying to see if i say anything about it to her....i havent responded to her...

I hate this feeling....

I remember my sister (we have the same father) told me years ago that my step mother told her not to ever go to my mothers house to see me bc my mother did drugs.. I know my mother never did drugs but i bet my sister got it wrong snd my step mother said they sell drugs at the house.... I know drugs wasnt sold frim my moms house bc we never had a lot traffic coming and going.. The drug dealer had a spot on the morthside if town and he had people working for him... I never saw anything suspecious going on... Then again i was 12-13 and had no idea what to look for...

Crescita posted 9/16/2013 12:11 PM

Does your uncle know she is planning to move an ex-con in with his 7 year old daughter? If not, he needs to know. Beyond that, it seems there is nothing you can do but love her from afar. It sounds like she just needs to make her own mistakes.

idkam posted 9/16/2013 12:31 PM

Cres- my uncle has known this man about as long as my mother has... My little cousin is not his daughter... She is my mothers great niece daughter... My mom raised the 7 year old mother and the mothers sister.... It is lonnng drawn out story....

My mother trys to help everyone she can.. She just cannot say no to anyone... On one hand it is a good thing but on the other it could detrimental....

Would you all still visit your mother knowing he is living there???

lieshurt posted 9/16/2013 12:42 PM

Would you all still visit your mother knowing he is living there???

No, I would not. It would be just my luck that the day I'm there would be the day the police decided to raid the place.

idkam posted 9/16/2013 13:54 PM

Lies- he isnt selling drugs now, he just got out of prison and is living at the half way house for now.... Rumor has it that he is going to move to my mothers house in a few months..

jrc1963 posted 9/16/2013 14:15 PM

he isnt selling drugs now, he just got out of prison

He isn't selling drugs now BECAUSE he just got out of prison.

I would bet my bottom dollar that he returns to selling as soon as possible.

Prison does very little to actually rehabilitate inmates and I doubt he received any vocational training to help him find a new and more appropriate way to make money, especially seeing as he's in his 60's.

My guess is that within a few months he will be back to his old vocation.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

And I would definitely inform whoever belongs to the 7 year old and inform them that a convicted felon is about to move in.

lieshurt posted 9/16/2013 14:25 PM

He isn't selling drugs now BECAUSE he just got out of prison.

I would bet my bottom dollar that he returns to selling as soon as possible.


idkam posted 9/16/2013 14:25 PM

Jrc- thats the thing no one else other than me and brother have a problem with it.. My mothers sister who lives behind my mom told me he was moving in....she gave me that pitiful look as if to say 'thats shameful' she knows how my brother and i feel...

The 7 year olds mother is with a guy whom shes had 2 babies back to back for doesnt work.. I just found out he dropped out of school in the 5th grade and cant read or write... The mother of the 7 yr old is trying to find a job bc i guess the $600 she gets monthly for the 7 year old isnt enough... she's 25 and f'ng clueless....

Grrrr!! Its a gawd awful shame...

idkam posted 9/18/2013 11:11 AM


So i decided to get a hotel room next Sat instead of staying at my mothers house or my sisters apt (very small).

I also decided that i have to pull away from my mother and let go of how she conducts her is her home and she can let whomever she want move in, its her car and she can let whomever she want drive it whether they have warrents and no license or not, she can let whomever use her home as a public storage and don't pay her when they promise too or not, and she can let whomever she want use her cell phone and leave
her without if she wants too because i dont have to a part of any of it....

She doesnt tell me how to conduct my life so who do i think i am to try and tell her how to conduct hers? However, i do not have to be apart of it either.... If i do not want to visit her i do not have too.... All of us have choices to make in our life and she
has chosen to live her life on her
terms and so have I...

Thanks for reading

truthsetmefree posted 9/18/2013 11:53 AM


I think you have a healthy attitude toward all of this now. Whatever boundaries you decide to set for yourself, know that you are entitled to them. That is now your job. (But please give the little you some extra kindness and reassurance. It's very stressful to process this kind of information - even though you may now be grown.)

Sending you hugs.

idkam posted 9/18/2013 12:18 PM

Truth- thank you so much for ur post it means alot... My mother and i are verrrry close and all of this is very stressful and very hard to process... We usually talk/text every single day but that hasnt happened since my last text to her about the gummy bear vitamins....oh wait i did text her this morning to see how she was getting to my town to attend my graduation on Sat...

mysticpenguin posted 9/18/2013 12:36 PM

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:26 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

idkam posted 9/18/2013 14:50 PM

Mystic, Wow! Thx for sharing... I'm not sure how to do it but i think if i set healthy boundaries i should be ok...
I'm really embarrassed by all of this and i shared this with my SO and asked him to never talk anout it with anyone....

My mom is 67 years old, maybe she is lonely and it is better to be with the convict that you know than to be with someone whom you dont know....

jo2love posted 9/18/2013 16:18 PM


It's painful to watch someone we love make choices that can be harmful. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mom. You sound very wise with the decision you have made. Sending you strength.

idkam posted 9/19/2013 14:48 PM

Thanks Jr2..

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