Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Not sure what to think

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

heme posted 9/16/2013 10:19 AM

Never thought Id have to post on a forum like this but I need help sorting out my emotions. Im completely lost and feeling like Im losing my mind.. Background: Im 29, hes 30. We have been married for almost 8 years and have 4 children together (6yo, 4yo, 2yo, 11mo).

For a while now Ive known something was up with my husband. I kept asking what was wrong and he wouldn't say. Middle of July I knew something was wrong but he left for training (military) and it got swept under the rug. Came back in August and again I felt something was up but didn't know what. Last weekend he got really obsessed over his phone, was on it constantly texting (something he previously told me he hated). When I confronted him about it he told me his co-workers and he was planning a prank.

Tuesday morning came and I got this overwhelming feeling I needed to look at the texts. I have never before snooped into my husband's phone, e-mail, Facebook etc even though I have always had access to it. Ive always figured why because I could trust him. On the phone was a series of texts between him and another woman talking about sexual fantasies he had and with pictures of things he had done while in our home to fulfill them.
I confronted him right away. I was completely shocked. Ends up the time he was suppose to be out for a day with friends he was with her and her husband living his "fantasy". At the time I confronted him he was convinced that nothing was wrong with it because there was no intercourse.
Since I caught him lying I checked out bank accounts (he usually handles the finances) and he had taken out a loan. He was paying these people to fulfill his fantasy. It was like a knife to the gut.
He came home from work and told me he realized that what he was doing was wrong and told me of other incidences that he had tried to do what he did then. He also confessed he had two other meetings with different people to live out more fantasies. He was putting ads out on Craigslist to find these people. He told me he had been having these fantasies since he was 12 and they have been getting worse for the last few years. It came where he became totally obsessed with them and couldn't keep them out of his head. He spent a lot of time/energy/money on trying to live these fantasies.

Talking to him it sounds like he is addicted to this behavior. He literally has an issue with stopping himself and finds himself powerless over it at times. Without me even asking he has searched out a counselor that specializes in sexual addiction to met (first meeting is on the 30th, first time slot they had open). He blocked the websites he use to frequent about these fantasies and deleted all his e-mail accounts/facebook account. He blocked the people's phone numbers and deleted all texts/pictures. He gave me his atm card and closed out of his personal account he usually uses during deployments/training.

I just don't know where to go from here. Im devastated and lost. I alternate between pain and feeling like Im making something out of nothing since the only two people we have told about it both said there is nothing wrong as long as there is no intercourse (mind you they are HIS family so they also said if I was a better wife it wouldn't have happened). I just don't know where to go from here.

heme posted 9/16/2013 10:28 AM

Another thing that really hurts is he was posting it as ME, pretending I wanted him to do all of this crap he did.. Second some of it happened in VERY public places that we frequent often and it happened with people we can (and probably will) run into later. I panic now at the idea of leaving the house. I have PTSD from a combat tour in Iraq so leaving the house is touch and go as it is although it was improving a lot. Before this happened my last panic attack was almost a year ago, not Im having several daily. Just that pisses me off! I was also abused as a child and it took me a while to get through that. He KNOWS my past. He helped me through my homecoming from Iraq and yet he STILL does this.

So on top of the overwhleming pain of discovery the PTSD has came back practically full force. I won't do therapists, talking about it doesn't help me, I write in a journal but talking makes it worse.. I tried it when I first came back and it make me so suicidal they stopped the sessions because it was easier for me to sort through things by writing them out. Ive started a journal to get the emotions out but it took 5+ years for me to be on the road to recovery. I can't imagine how long its going to take to even start healing from this.

Simple posted 9/16/2013 13:38 PM

Sorry for what you're going through. Please read through the library here as well as people's posts. It clears our minds sometimes to see what others are going through and that we're not alone.

Don't let this get swept under the rug. Make sure there is a real quest for what is the cause. If professional help is needed take it. Otherwise, this will keep happening over and over. The person cheating has issues that has nothing to do with you or the marriage. That needs to be figured out and if it's a psychological issue, you'll need all the professional help you can get.

Hugs your way.

FoggedIn posted 9/16/2013 16:22 PM

Oh Dear heme, I'm so sorry you are here!

It is a positive step that he is making the efforts (atm card, internet blocking, closed emails, etc). But I'd ask what is he doing to help you heal from all of this?

My WH has/had craigslist issues also! Several months ago we opened up about our wildest fantasies to each other. I admitted that I had a 3some fantasy, which somehow turned into his excuse to be obsessed with CL. Posting ads as me, emailing and texting numerous women explicit things. But he makes it all ok by saying he was just trying to find a woman for me. BS! I also let him know at the time that some fantasies are supposed to stay that way. I was in no way comfortable actually acting out that fantasy.
Yet he placed ads every time we went out of town and then began these extensive conversations with other women. Which ultimately led him to hire a prostitute from CL. Which I found out about immediately & his reasoning was that my fantasy and all the CL, got him wrapped up in it all.

Anyway, your WH seems to be beginning in the right direction, but please lay down the law with him. Install a keylogger on your PC, and his phone if possible. If he is a SA, which it sounds like he is, then it will take IC, MC, SAC to get him in recovery. But don't fail to recognize what you need first!

Hugs XO

heme posted 9/16/2013 20:02 PM

I made a list of the very basics I expect from him if he wants me to stick around. Hes agreed to all of them and is trying. Hes been pretty supportive and realizes that he screwed up big time. He couldn't sleep last night so he rearranged our downstairs, something I asked him to do over 6 months ago (I have back issues so rearranging furniture isn't something I can physically do). I think hes trying but Im worried its all going to be temporary. How can I trust him?

I just installed a keylogger. His phone is not currently working so he can't use that. A lot of the contact though happened at work and I can't control there. Friday he had all night duty, he realized it would be hard for me to trust him though so he came home at lunch and dinner. It was a pain, he gets 20 minutes total to eat and its 5 mins at least each way so it was more of a way for me to know he was working and not out again. Hes been e-mailing me several times a day while hes at work and asking my opinion of things he was doing at his job. I held the same exact job as him when I was in so for the longest time I would always advise him on things. For the last year he hasn't wanted my input on anything so it has been interesting to start hearing from him in the middle of the day again.

I just feel like Im in this huge black hole that I can't get out of. I don't know what to think or do any longer.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy