(in hindsight of writing this...it turned into a vent)
The people who scream up and down about Porn....how it is like their version of the gateway drug for their WS.
DH has been looking at craigslist personals. In his previous lifestyle he was a dom, had enough subs, and i am not a sub in any shape or form.
Most of his looks have been with either damaged girls or blatant 'i need to be dominated' adds.
I confronted him about it, and I got brushed off...."I was just looking" "You know I like amature stuff" "I have never once responded to them".....blah blah blah
I told him to be fucking honest with himself and with me, and to tell me what his reaction would be if the roles were reversed. Of course I get the 'now wait that's not the same' bullshit.
I told him that I feel like my feelings and insecurities always get shit on because 'i did it first' so I am not allowed to feel insecure or question his loyalty to me. That when I have a valid concern about his bounderies that I am not really allowed an answer.
We got no where....I got nothing. All i got is 'i wont look at it again' but how the fuck will I know if he looks or not. The computer is set up to delete everything when you shut it down. Neither one of us has access to account information (a product of our last round of crap) and its just been one fucking rugsweep after another.
Nothing gets solved, and he shuts down. He refuses to go to counseling and refuses to read books on communication or relationship help....its like he fucking expect things to just POOF back to normal.
I am not done...not with him, not with us, not with our family, not with our life...i am just not done.
I am completely fucking done with this in ability to communicate our needs to each other, the fact that he will on participate in rekindling our marriage, and this double standard type shit that is going on.
I have NO idea what line i need to draw, i can't draw the 'if you dont i will leave' because i can't leave right now.
uggg....i dont even know what to do.