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I can understand this better now

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Undefinabl3 posted 9/16/2013 11:20 AM

(in hindsight of writing turned into a vent)

The people who scream up and down about it is like their version of the gateway drug for their WS.

DH has been looking at craigslist personals. In his previous lifestyle he was a dom, had enough subs, and i am not a sub in any shape or form.

Most of his looks have been with either damaged girls or blatant 'i need to be dominated' adds.

I confronted him about it, and I got brushed off...."I was just looking" "You know I like amature stuff" "I have never once responded to them".....blah blah blah

I told him to be fucking honest with himself and with me, and to tell me what his reaction would be if the roles were reversed. Of course I get the 'now wait that's not the same' bullshit.

I told him that I feel like my feelings and insecurities always get shit on because 'i did it first' so I am not allowed to feel insecure or question his loyalty to me. That when I have a valid concern about his bounderies that I am not really allowed an answer.

We got no where....I got nothing. All i got is 'i wont look at it again' but how the fuck will I know if he looks or not. The computer is set up to delete everything when you shut it down. Neither one of us has access to account information (a product of our last round of crap) and its just been one fucking rugsweep after another.

Nothing gets solved, and he shuts down. He refuses to go to counseling and refuses to read books on communication or relationship help....its like he fucking expect things to just POOF back to normal.

I am not done...not with him, not with us, not with our family, not with our life...i am just not done.

I am completely fucking done with this in ability to communicate our needs to each other, the fact that he will on participate in rekindling our marriage, and this double standard type shit that is going on.

I have NO idea what line i need to draw, i can't draw the 'if you dont i will leave' because i can't leave right now.

uggg....i dont even know what to do.

LosferWords posted 9/16/2013 19:36 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this, Undefinabl3. I can definitely feel your level of frustration.

It sounds like some lines and boundaries need to be drawn. Boundaries that you both agree and adhere to.

Are you in MC? If so, this would be a great topic of conversation in a counseling session.

If not, I'd suggest perhaps setting up a time and a place to talk about what is acceptable to look at on the internet, and what makes each other comfortable/uncomfortable.

Why is it that you don't have access to each others' computer accounts?

Undefinabl3 posted 9/17/2013 08:20 AM

we have tried MC - DH refuses to go now. I have about 10 books that I have tried to get him to read with me, or help me go through them to help us...that is also not what he want's to do.

I have told him about 2 couples retreats that happen over weekends, but he doesn't want other people to know our business.

I have asked for written out bounderies so that we have something in front of us to work with with...i get crickets. It's like he just expects all of this to just clear up.

Why is it that you don't have access to each others' computer accounts?

I dont have access to his at all...even if i ask to see them. I however will always give him my information if he wants to look at my stuff. I dont really care, i have nothing to hide.

His reasoning is that he hasn't done anything to deserve me prying into his private life, that he has such little control now as it is, that he's keeping his stuff his.

Total red flag - but the only answer is 'show me or i will leave' and I am just not willing to do that at the moment. uggg....

TrustGone posted 9/17/2013 09:11 AM

I really don't have anything productive to tell you. I am in the same sinking boat with you. I only get a little more as I do have access to his computer stuff, but he refuses IC or to read the books I have suggested. I did get him to watch a movie, Decendents, with me that showed exactly what a BS goes through. It really got to him and it was triggery for me, but I think it did help him see how destructive an A is to the BS, kids, family, friends, etc..It also helped in that it opened some communication on affairs that he tends to avoid if it's about his. I just used the movie to tell him that I had seen things like in the movie on this forum and A's ruin so many lives, things like that. He could see that the movie made me tear up, which I seldom do anymore and he came and said again he was so sorry and he loved me. That helped for a little while anyway. (((HUGS)))

LosferWords posted 9/17/2013 09:24 AM

His reasoning is that he hasn't done anything to deserve me prying into his private life

Looking at your profile story, I disagree with his statement. Why does he want to be married and have a private life, anyway?

I'm seeing a lot of red flags here. It doesn't sound like he wants to do any work on the marriage, and it sounds like he is using your EA to justify his behavior.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I think perhaps if I were in your position, I would probably start going into hyper-vigilance mode and start doing a bit more investigating.

Something really isn't sitting right with me with how he is acting. It really sounds like he has something to hide, in my opinion.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/17/2013 11:09 AM

oh, i know that if he had nothing to hide, then he wouldnt need to protect his privacy. But to him, me needing into his email and such is just another way for me to control his life.

I wish i could by hypervigilant, but since he's found the keyloggers that i have managed to get on there rather quickly, he tends to look now if there are any on any of the computers. He logs out of everything, all the time.

I have told him that if he didnt have anythign to hide, then why make things worse by not showing me what i need to feel safe in the relationship - and that went over like a lead balloon.

I am going to look for a VAR that i can afford to put into his truck. The only thing about that is that there are no weird numbers on the phone....

fucking sucks...

StillLivin posted 9/17/2013 12:29 PM

One word: 180!

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