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Have no idea what to do...

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LostSoulss posted 9/16/2013 14:34 PM

Anyone with any ideas -I mean anything, any suggestions
I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right forum
Confronted WH May 2013
Have been having a nightmare trying to decide what to do-try and reconcile or leave
How do you know what you want for sure-I have been told "I'll know" when I've reached my decision-how long does it take?
WH wants us to be together and says he knows its my decision and he will not pressure me into making a decision
I feel so torn - struggling to think straight still
I am sick of hurting
Part of me thinks I should try and stay and reconcile but then my feelings are overridden by the betrayal of his affair and I think there's no coming back from it
I had a trigger overload recently and we ended up having another talk and H asked me if I decided it was over would I still be his friend because he can't imagine me not being a part of his life (pity he didn't think of this before/during the affair)- I couldn't answer straight away and he ended up being upset and crying. I ended up comforting him-this has left me even more confused
H has also had to go to Dr's and has been found to have high blood pressure-one of the likely causes linked to stress-I know he has been stressed since I confronted him about his affair-this has now made me feel guilty that his health is suffering and I know I am one of the causes
I don't want to be the reason he has health issues
I just want to come to my decision about whether I could remain in my marriage or not and don't know how I get there
Anyone any advice-it would be really appreciated

LivingALie posted 9/16/2013 14:46 PM

First of all - you're NOT the reason he's having health issues. If his stress is related to your marriage problems right now - who caused those - you or him? I think the resounding answer would be HIM.

You don't need to make a decision today concerning whether you want to leave the marriage or not. I've read that most people say not to make any big decision for at least 6 months.

Betrayal is a difficult thing to get over - and I think we really learn to live it vs. getting over it.

Is your H willing to do what it takes? what do you need/want him to do? Maybe you could start there and see how you feel in a few months.

Rebreather posted 9/16/2013 14:50 PM

I found reconciliation to be a process, not an singular event. I never decided to stay or go. I just kept working at it. And here I am, 6+ years out, happily married to the same man.

Reconciling takes a huge amount of work from both parties. My spouse had to understand I couldn't "officially" commit to staying married to him. All I could do was decide day by day if it was worth it to keep trying.

Try to bite off smaller pieces of the whole thing. You don't have to commit right now. You can choose to take it a step at a time, see if your wayward husband remains worthy of your efforts.

What is he doing to ensure your recovery will be successful?

LostSoulss posted 9/17/2013 03:45 AM

Thanks Folks for the responses
Feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back
I don't know what to do now with the health problems H seems to have-I feel as if I can't bring anything about his affair up as I know it is a stressor for him and will affect his blood pressure
H seems to think that as he's made his decision he wants to be with me and wants us to work that it's that simple
I really don't think he reaslises he has destroyed everything and thinks we can go back to how we used to be-how do I make him see that it has gone forever and we would be working on a relationship based on what has been left behind -I don't know if what is left will actually be enough for me
I am fed up of all this pain and upset -how long before you get to a point where it's not invading virtually every waking moment?
Any suggestions. ...?

stronger08 posted 9/17/2013 04:08 AM

When you have no idea what to do, do nothing. Take time to digest everything and see what's the best course of action for YOU. R is a long hard process that's not for everyone. And there is no shame in wanting out after an A. Losing ones spouse is a definite consequence a WS considers before they sleep with another person. But they roll the dice and do it anyway. Its not your responsibility when they crap out. Do what is best for you.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 4:09 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 9/17/2013 04:42 AM

Maybe his stress related high bp may be due to his A. My ws has had 2 trips to er with signs of heart attack, he's in great physical shape and very healthy. I believe its from living a double life. You can't base your decision by his health issues, that's not fair to you

Strugglestreet posted 9/17/2013 05:21 AM

My Dday was also in May, so we are at a similar point in this horrible journey.

I understand exactly what you are feeling, I too have no idea what I want, I am in limbo. I can't offer you any great words of advice, but just want you to know that you are not alone.


LostSoulss posted 9/23/2013 05:18 AM

Folks -especially Strugglestreet and Ostrich80 thanks for the responses
Sorry haven't replied sooner -I can only use this forum on my phone and sometimes struggle to get back on here
I agree with the suggestions my H's health issues could be related to his affair and him leading a double life for around 18 months- I know he's been stressed about it especially since I confronted him in May
I am worried about his health and don't want to be a reason he is unwell but then the wicked side of me thinks "serves you right" "you've done this" and "hope it's all been worth it" - am I wrong to think like that
I feel that I can't bring things up incase it makes him ill but then I think if I don't how am I supposed to move forward

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