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call from xOW's husband-slightly explicit

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overandone posted 9/16/2013 14:59 PM

I hadn't spoken to XOW's BH since amicably agreeing with him nearly a year ago for him to contact me if he wanted to talk-he was moving to a place with no landline and no mobile signal,so it was for him to phone me if he wanted to. There was no contact,I'm fine with that. I greatly supported him for the first 8 or 9 months post d-day as he seemed to be falling apart. He was drinking heavily,on AD,suicide attempt etc.,partly caused by a completely non-apologetic and non-remorseful wife,with lots of blame-shifting and TT which I know is still ongoing.

Out of the blue last Friday I answered a phone call from him,and was shocked at what he said and how he said it. I asked was he OK,in a hostile tone he said,and I quote "no,not really.You can tell that husband of yours that the titties he used to suck on(ie his wife's)have breast cancer. And it's terminal". End of conversation,he put the phone down.

It's left me reeling on several levels.First,I thought it was a cruel way for him to speak to me,he must have known how hearing him be so explicit would feel. I wonder if he was expecting/hoping my husband would pick up the phone (they haven't spoken since before d-day),and had a rant prepared which got diverted to me.I know he must be very upset by the diagnosis,but why take it out on me?

Second,is it true?I'm sure the breast cancer diagnosis is true, but OW was always a hypochondriac,spent a lot of time during the LTA sitting on the pity pot and justifying her actions.Please anyone who is suffering breast or any other cancer, I am not minimising or unsympathetic to this awful disease,but from past experience of her she would always exagerate her "illnesses",and maybe or maybe not it is terminal,I just don't know.

Third,why did XOW's BH phone? I can't see how it would benefit him in any way. If he thought I would be happy,his tone of voice didn't indicate so. Did XOW ask him to tell my H? If so why,did she want to see him one more time?

And lastly,my own reaction to this news. Even a few months ago I wished all sorts of things onto her. But now,surprising myself,I just feel really indifferent. I've discussed my feelings about this at length with my H (and his feelings with me). I feel neither pity for her,nor am I jumping with joy,which,if I'm honest,I expected to feel. Just indifferent. Is this where healing is supposed to lead,really not giving too much head-space to the OW,though I do still often brood in other ways on the affair.

I have said to my H there is still to be no contact with her,he has reassured me he has no wish or intention to do so even if pressurised,and will tell me if any contacts are made by her(or her BH). I'm inclined to believe him as he looks back on time spent with her as a "nightmare",and has been incredibly sensitive to the effects the phone call had on me,and how it set off triggers(just done fund-raising event for cancer care,and sex last night!)The change in him and work he's putting into R are tremendous.

Just feeling a bit all over the place tonight after a good few weeks,and needed to share Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by overandone at 6:17 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

meplusfour posted 9/16/2013 15:14 PM


Brandon808 posted 9/16/2013 15:19 PM

He was drinking heavily,on AD,suicide attempt etc.
This sounds to me like he was drinking again. The call was thoughtless, impulsive and clearly intended to cause hurt and provoke a confrontation. NC should be extended to him as well. He sounds quite unstable.

Hope2B posted 9/16/2013 15:20 PM

I'm glad to read that the change and work your H is putting into R is going well.

As for the XOW BH, here are my thoughts.

This guy is hurting and lashing out. His world has turned upsidedown again. He said the most hurtful thing he could think of, because he was in so much pain himself. He's taking it out on almost *everyone* in one way or another.

I don't know if the XOW BH has reconciled with the XOW or not, but if she dies, he'll never have the chance for them to try and make things right, or, if they are trying to make things right, they are unlikely to have the opportunity to finish the process and continue from that point.

Maybe she is terminal, maybe not. You don't know. You might never know unless there is an obit in your local paper or whatever.

Take care.

2married2quit posted 9/16/2013 15:24 PM

wow! This is crazy. I feel for you as you have nothing to do with this. You're a victim as much as he (OW BS) is. I think he's just not over it and wanted to tell both of you. Sounds like a "there, be happy!" kind of remark? In any case it's not good news either way.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. My heart also goes to that woman because at the end of the day, and as a human she made an awfully bad choice. Her husband too is a victim and I feel for him as I do for yours. He too made a bad choice and this outcome is not fun for anyone. ANYONE!

I understand how you feel as recently something happened to my FWW OM. I'm not happy about it like I thought I'd be. In fact, I'm hating that this has happened to him because for some reason, many would think I'd be jumping for joy but I'm not. I hate to have bad feelings towards someone whom is going through hard time.

Change your number. Any contact with the other couple is not constructive at this point.

overandone posted 9/16/2013 16:22 PM

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies,much appreciated.Yes,life altogether feels pretty crazy sometimes,but we muddle through somehow.Maybe that's why XWS and I are reconciling so well (but definitely not an easy route). I think both of us realised how very much we had to lose by going our own separate ways,and how much we had to gain by loving each other and trying to put the past behind us- not forgetting it, but learning from it and trying not to make the same mistakes again.

I think that's where a lot of XOW's H's problems stem from. An unremorseful wife whose first words to him after d-day were "I'm entitled to half the house and half your mother's money" - says it all, really. Unfortunately I think you're right, I suspect he is drinking again, I think he's been verging on alcoholism for the last few years, and was certainly unstable for a long time after d-day. I don't know if they are reconciled,last time we spoke was last autumn and they weren't, but I think they now live in the same house,probably in separate bedrooms.

Very true comments Hope2B

No,I won't change my number as I will not be pushed around by anyone,I think there are ways to block it though.Yes, double NC sounds like a good idea, it's a funny old world when you can't help out an old friend because your husband had an affair with his wife.

Thank you lovely people out there, Felt in need of a slightly philosophical ramble!

TrulySad posted 9/16/2013 16:54 PM

I'm so sorry it was you he lashed out at. You didn't deserve that. I'd try and put his call away, and not take it personally. He had no right to call you. It sounds like he is devisatated and his world is out of control again. And for him, he never asked for any of it either. He was wrong, and probably realizes it now.

overandone posted 9/16/2013 17:51 PM

Yes TrulySad,you're so right.It sucks that he was my friend once,and because His wife and my husband decided to have a LTA, I can't help him.

[This message edited by overandone at 5:51 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

Ostrich80 posted 9/16/2013 18:51 PM

Yea sounds like an intoxicated lash out. He's still pissed and got another hit with his ws medical issues so you just happened to answer the phone. I would put a block on his #. There's no reason for any communication and you and ws are doing well. File them away. I'm happy your R is going well but sorry you had to receive a jab from this guy. He's hurting and prob feels he can't be mad at her right now so...he picked your # to call and rant.

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