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Totally Losing It

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soveryweary posted 9/16/2013 16:39 PM

I was ready to drive myself right to the psych ward before work this morning and then after work.
I went to my uncles yesterday to finalize my plans to rent his place.
Number one, it's less than a half mile from my parents and the thought of being so close to my mother started to suffocate me last night.
The area is where I grew up, but I like where I live now.
I've never, ever stayed a night alone by myself. The thought of not having my daughter( she is an adult with past and present medical issues), with me is making me insane. She wants to stay at the house, her friends are near, her place of employment isn't too far from our house.
I was able to hold it together at work, I came home, took a xanax and am slowly chilling out. Reading here helps calm me.
But I know the xanax will wear off and my hysteria (that's what it feels like), will start again.
My 3 best friends called me today, it's like they had telepathy. I just can't burden them anymore.
For those of you who have felt as though you are suffering a breakdown, how did you get through it? HOw did you brave, wonderful people find the strength to walk away?
I don't have any strength in me. I haven't eaten in days and I don't know the last night I had more than a few hours of straight sleep.
What the hell is it about me that I am so weak? I just want my house and my daughter. I want to be held and loved.
I thought the fact that my 31st wedding anniversary is Wednesday would not even be in my radar, but I think it is.
I also have a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow. I am going to be an embarrassing mess.
Thanks for letting me vent.

nowiknow23 posted 9/16/2013 16:52 PM

You are not weak. YOU ARE NOT WEAK.

You are living through an ongoing trauma, svw. These are the white knuckle days. I know it feels overwhelming and impossible, but you will get through this. I promise you.


For those of you who have felt as though you are suffering a breakdown, how did you get through it?
You've GOT to prioritize your health, honey. Self-care is not optional at this point. It's mission critical. Here's your agenda:

1. Breathe.
2. Drink water.
3. Keep breathing.
4. Work with your doctor to find a solution to the sleeplessness.
5. Eat something. You just have to eat something. A piece of toast, a banana, something.
6. Do some deep breathing.
7. Move your body - walk up and down the stairs. Walk around the block. Ride your bike. Jump up and down in place. It really doesn't matter what you do, just do something physical.
8. Keep breathing.

(((((svw)))))

tesla posted 9/16/2013 17:24 PM

You are absolutely not weak. You are going through a traumatizing experience. All of your reactions are you trying to cope.

If you have a chance, pick up "the journey from abandonment to healing" I think that it is written by susan anderson. It explained so much of what I was going through and it gives some visualization excercises to help you cope.

You absolutely must eat. I think the first couple of weeks all I could get down was gatorade. Try a protein shake. A piece of toast. Saltines.

You can do this. One minute at a time.

(((((svw)))))

5454real posted 9/16/2013 17:57 PM

My 3 best friends called me today, it's like they had telepathy. I just can't burden them anymore

Why not? It is when we are at our lowest that we find out who our true friends are. They're the one's willing to crawl in the hole with us and show us the way out.

When you do talk to them and tell them of how low you were feeling, won't their reaction be *Why didn't you call?*.

IMO, give them a chance.

Sending strength, though you are stronger than you know.

ETA If you really have eaten that little, you know your body chemistry is out of whack and affecting your mood. Ask a friend to go for dinner.

[This message edited by 5454real at 5:59 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

CheaterMagnet posted 9/16/2013 19:17 PM

Your username makes me want to cry. I know that feeling so well.

You've gotten some very good advice here. Please take it. And please, listen to me very carefully. If your friends are calling you it is because they WANT to. They care and they want to help. Please allow them to do that. Think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Would you be tired of supporting them? Of course not. You love them.

Please believe that they love you. Reach out and take the hand they are offering.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Abbondad posted 9/16/2013 19:44 PM

So sorry you are enduring this.

If you have a chance, pick up "the journey from abandonment to healing" I think that it is written by susan anderson. It explained so much of what I was going through and it gives some visualization excercises to help you cope.

This is a wonderful book. Although I was not able to get into the exercises, she takes you through the steps out of abandonment--which I believe is truly at the core of this pain. (Yes, the lies, deceit, shattered dreams...) What it did for me--and I read it several times--was "normalize" what I was going through.

I knew I had abandonment issues (and who really doesn't to some extent? It is human nature), but this book--much more than so much of the fluff and psychobabble self-help books out there--is gentle, wise, scholarly and encouraging without using a simplistic "Hey, you're gonna be A-OK!" sort of approach.

I wish you the best, Totally. You will get through this. You really will.

soveryweary posted 9/16/2013 21:10 PM

I am taking each and every one of your suggestions to heart.
Not only do I get support in real life, I get amazing support from some absolutely fabulous people here.
Feeling so blessed.

nowiknow23 posted 9/16/2013 21:18 PM

Sending you strength, sweetie. (((((soveryweary)))))

PhantomLimb posted 9/16/2013 21:30 PM

I reached out to friend and family.. but I also tried taking care of myself very consciously insofar as I had control. That meant soaking in a bath, moisturizing, hair treatments, cucumber masks. It sounds simplistic, but I didn't feel like I could control my eating or sleeping. So I did something that communicated I was valued... even if subconsciously.

Also tried drinking tea, sitting, being quiet, feeling where the pain was in my body and just sitting with it. Not thinking. Just letting the pain be felt.

I just pulled out my winter coat for the first time and guess what was in the pocket? One of WS's gloves. Just one.

I buckled over in pain and grimaced. A few tears. I just stayed in that position for a few moments. It passed.

Also, try doing something nice for someone else. Take the pressure off of yourself. When I was going through DDay 1 & 2 I had a friend in the middle of a breakup. I packed a lunch, wine, etc and took her to the beach. We sat there, nibbled, cried and buried our feet in the sand.

Or just make sure you hold open the door for someone in need... that kind of thing.

Give of yourself and you'll find the pieces you are giving take some of the pain with them.

Journal and come back to SI often!

These are the things that have helped me through so far...

(((hugs)))

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