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"Men don't leave unless there is someone else"

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Eyeofthetiger posted 9/16/2013 16:50 PM

Is this really true?

My WH left after a fight we had, he said he hasn't been happy for a while. Blah blah. Weeks later I found out he had been texting anther woman for weeks while he was living at home. He told me shortly after he left he told her they needed to stop talking. The number stopped appearing on his usage. When I found out, I contacted her and later that day her number appeared on his text usage again. He showed me what she said. So I know he doesn't have a second phone or she would of used that to contact him. I contacted her the other day again(dumb I know) but again she ran right to him and I saw the number appear again. Those are the only two times I have seen the number since the end of June (2 weeks after he left home).

Nothing else points to a different woman-- no new repeating numbers etc. So is it ok to believe there isn't someone else?

I guess it really doesn't matter but I just feel like he doesn't want this M because he screwed up and cannot face himself and what it will take to get my trust back. Naive? Maybe but I think the old way of thinking of "men don't leave unless there is someone else" is not always true. ESP in a society where D has turned into being "ok" and having children go from parent to parent is also "ok".

[This message edited by Eyeofthetiger at 4:51 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 9/16/2013 16:56 PM

Two things - first, that saying is BS. Men leave for the same reasons that women leave. People leave. They quit. They move on.

Secondly, of course it's ok to think there's no one else. You can believe whatever you think is true, whatever matches your gut.

((((eye))))

LifeIsBroken posted 9/16/2013 17:02 PM

An older (and wiser, in many ways) friend told me 'men don't leave unless there is another woman and, even then, they often don't / won't leave until forced to do so.' Kind of like they want the best of both worlds, so to speak. In my case, that was true. He wouldn't leave the first several times I packed his bags for him but finally he did leave after I moved $ into my own account and met with a lawyer. Sadly, it was the money that really p*ssed him off. Just for what it's worth....

Catwoman posted 9/16/2013 17:19 PM

A very good IC I saw during the first separation from my now-ex said that approximately 95% of men do not leave their marriage unless and until there is someone else. Women, while they do the same thing, do not do it this way in significantly lower numbers.

She was a great IC, so I have every reason to believe that her stats were pretty accurate.

Cat

GabyBaby posted 9/16/2013 17:37 PM

I think men who don't like to be alone will likely not leave the marriage unless there's someone else.

friend told me 'men don't leave unless there is another woman and, even then, they often don't / won't leave until forced to do so.' Kind of like they want the best of both worlds, so to speak.
I found this to be true in my case as well.

Ostrich80 posted 9/16/2013 17:42 PM

Unfortunately almost every break up ive seen has been because someone found someone else. Even though a person may not be happy in a M, I think sometimes it takes a motivator or pressure from an AP to make the move. Just what I've witnessed, not based on any stats I've seen.

Housefulloflove posted 9/16/2013 18:05 PM

Selfish, cowardly jackasses don't leave unless they have someone else. But men...REAL men.. leave for a lot of reason IMO.

A man or woman with integrity *won't* pursue someone else until they have ended their current relationship.

Nature_Girl posted 9/16/2013 18:45 PM

My STBX had plenty of women, including at least one I think he was romantically (as in emotions, the sex is given) involved with. He had no intention of leaving, he was content to keep cheating & eating cake.

Sad in AZ posted 9/16/2013 19:01 PM

The X had no intention of leaving; he wanted a wife and a girlfriend.

I can think of a number of reasons that a man may leave his M that are less than honorable and don't include another woman.

I don't think there is an overwhelming percentage of guys who leave for another woman vs. just leaving because they are generally unhappy. I think it's situational and trying to analyze it is useless in my opinion.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:07 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/16/2013 19:10 PM

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving. Even if there is no one else now, fixing a marriage that is presumed unhappy AND fixing something he did wrong is too much for him to handle. 26 year old male with a business to run and a family.

My guess his OW now is his business.

h0peless posted 9/16/2013 19:25 PM

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving.

Sounds like a chicken and egg problem to me. Was he unhappy before he started his affair or did he invent his unhappiness to justify what he did? Was it true unhappiness or just rationalization?

Generalizing is a dangerous thing to do, especially when you're trying to examine the poor behavior of one member of a group. I think your IC's supposition is suspect.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:26 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/16/2013 19:26 PM

If he was unhappy, he should win an academy award because I had no idea. He was not distant or anything.

h0peless posted 9/16/2013 19:34 PM

And that's why your IC is probably wrong. Your husband's choices aren't about you or your marriage. They are about his childish sense of entitlement.

sparkysable posted 9/16/2013 20:30 PM

in my experience, where there is smoke, there is fire, 100% of the time

persevere posted 9/16/2013 20:43 PM

I'm with hopeless, I don't think your IC is on point with this one. It's not unusual for IC's without experience dealing with infidelity issues to not have the skills necessary to navigate them appropriately.

((Hugs))

Sad in AZ posted 9/16/2013 21:11 PM

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

Be very careful in choosing and following a counselor. Anyone can hang a shingle...

ruinedandbroken posted 9/16/2013 21:34 PM

A very good IC I saw during the first separation from my now-ex said that approximately 95% of men do not leave their marriage unless and until there is someone else. Women, while they do the same thing, do not do it this way in significantly lower numbers.

Yes, my IC told me the exact same thing. I didn't believe him at the time because my xh said he wasn't with anyone else, he just didn't love me and didn't want to be with me. Her number wasn't showing up on his phone bill either. He found other ways of calling her. I found out 8 months later that this statistic to be 100% true in my case.

I believe the 95% statistic. I know there are men that leave for other reasons and you can't paint everyone with the same brush, but I don't think this is a random statistic.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/16/2013 22:45 PM

"Men don't leave unless there is someone else"

1. mine was a man-child/perpetual peter pan. So don't know what "men" do.
2. mine had his next GFs set up well ahead of announcing "this time there was sex". Cue end of relationship with me. He definitely needs a mother to care for him so didn't want to go anywhere until he arranged a soft place to land and preferably more than one.

uncertainone posted 9/16/2013 22:56 PM

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

This!!!!! There is also a need to keep clients coming back. If someone is unhealthy enough to cheat needing a soft landing wouldn't be surprising in their parade of fucked choices. Didn't think there was a gender bias for those.

5454real posted 9/16/2013 23:15 PM

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

In my case, I paid for #4's MSW. She is now the only *insurance approved* MC in our local area. I left her because I didn't like her boyfriend.

If someone is unhealthy enough to cheat needing a soft landing wouldn't be surprising in their parade of fucked choices. Didn't think there was a gender bias for those.

I divorced #3 for the same reason as #4.

Must have missed the pillow for the *soft landing*.

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